Last year, today was one day past my due date and I was anxiously awaiting to have a baby at any point in time. This year, said baby is fast asleep in his room and has just started taking his first steps. It's hard to fathom. The past year has been one of growth, of joy, of trials, of pain, of laughter, of tears, of more love than I have ever known and learning more about myself than I thought was humanly possible. I've posted periodically throughout the year, but have never really put down everything I've wanted to say, all that I wanted to document, all I wanted to remember. Because of that, I've decided to post every night through Graham's birthday next week. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to post each night, but I have some ideas. I have been meaning to post all night tonight to get started, but just couldn't get going, and now it's 10:30. Honestly, I think it's because I know if I do, it means that Graham is actually turning 1, and that he is no longer really a 'baby' baby, and now I'm going to cry, excuse me...
OK. Pulling it together. I have a feeling some of this will be some seriously deep stuff, but tonight, because it's late and because my husband is camping and I don't have someone to cry to if I wanted, we're going to keep it a bit lighter, thus my 'First Year Top 10: Myth or Fact'. I should probably make this into a TV game show. To play, I'm going to write down something I was told about the first year of parenthood. Then, I'm going to say if it was a myth or a fact. Mind blowing, I know. Note: this is in our case...I'm sure it can vary greatly for everyone. Nevertheless, let's get started shall we?
1. "You'll forget the pain of childbirth." Myth. Did I forget that? NO. Do I ever think I'll forget it? Nope. In fact, if I think about it too much, I get a little freaked out about giving birth again someday. I had a relatively quick labor, but very "intense" (nice word for: hurt.like.a.mother. No pun intended), so to think I'll forget that pain isn't really reasonable. I am able to distance myself from it, and also know now that when it was done, it was really done, and that I can do it. I think that may be what people mean by 'forget the pain'. Or if they really do forget the pain, well, I'm jealous.
2. "Just enjoy every moment. They go by so quickly and you'll miss them." Fact-mostly. I almost can't believe I'm saying that, because for a long time, I did not think that. When you have a baby screaming in pain for 4 hours straight every night for 2 months, your first thought is not "I'm going to miss this". Your first thought is "I miss my old life." And even now, I don't miss the screaming, for obvious reasons. But what I do miss is how little he was, and how even when he was screaming, he could fall asleep in my arms, or how he would just lay there and look at me. Because now, he's a 24 lb. squirming almost-toddler, and he's so much fun, but cuddle times are hard to come by some days. So I get it now. With experience comes wisdom, isn't that how the saying goes?
3. "You're in survival mode for the first few months, and you'll get through." Big.fat.fact. You do not feel like you'll get through some days. The alarm on my phone that woke me up every two hours to feed him? I hate that thing. Correction: I despise it. I heard someone's phone with that music as their ringer the other day and it was like instant anxiety/panic/dread. But we got through, and even looking on those days I can fondly remember (most) of them. I laughed the other morning because I complain sometimes when he's up at 6 am after sleeping all night...how in the world did I get through months of waking up every few hours, and staying up for an hour to feed/change/burp/repeat? Lots of episodes of Law and Order, reruns of America's Next Top Model and the grace of God. That's how.
4. "Breast is best - it will be hard, but do what you have to do to make it work." Myth-for us. Breastfeeding was sweet at times, and I'm glad we did it for a while, and want to try again with any future children. But, as I realized through a lot of pain and tears, it just wasn't to be. I think God used that to really show me how much I'm not in control. Between reflux, protein allergies, post-partum and lots of other things, I'm surprised we made it as long as we did (almost 5 months). I remember the first time we took Graham to the chiropractor after switching him to his lovely, God-sent but incredibly overpriced formula, our chiropractor couldn't believe he was the same baby! He kept going on and on about it, because it was the first time in 4 months he'd seen him smiling and not screaming...that's when I knew we were on to something.
5. "The hardest thing is just getting out the door." FACT. Graham is almost one, and still, every day I have to plan in my head how we're going to arrange everything and everyone to get out the door on time; it doesn't matter if 'on time' means 8 am or 4 pm...it's an art form. Even on the days when everything is perfectly in order - things for the sitter, clothes picked out for all of us, showered the night before...inevitably, 99.9% of the time we're still rushing at the end. Some days, it's because there has been a random blessing from heaven and Graham slept in, so we decide 'Eh. Who needs to get up yet?' But usually, it's more like Graham was up 3 times, or woke up with reflux or teething and literally is pulling my pajama pants to my ankles (well good morning neighbors! This is why our blinds stay closed in the morning) trying to climb on me to be held...whatever it is, while I am cherishing these times (see #2), I do greatly look forward to the day when that part of life will be a little more smooth.
I just edited the title of this to say 'Part 1'. A) because I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush and B) because this gives me something to write about tomorrow in case I'm not in my 'let's talk seriously deep life-altering things' mode yet. More to come...
Friday, November 2, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Boycotting Mama?
I'm almost nervous to write this. Scratch that - I am nervous. A) because it's controversial and B) because it's not really the normal thing I write about on this blog. Oh well, here we go!
If you know me very well, you know I enjoy politics, and a good political debate/discussion. When I had the opportunity to go lobby on Capitol Hill a few weeks ago, I was possibly as excited as a kid going to Disney for the first time (I say possibly, because I've actually never been to Disney. I know, I know. Poor, deprived farm girl. Except I don't really care that much). Also, the normal Americanized Baptistic "Republican = Christian" mindset that tends to permeate much of our society and our churches annoys me to no end, so bring up a politician, gay marriage, and a chicken sandwich and you've got me hooked.
Let's start by getting this out of the way: I believe in marriage between a man and a woman, period. I don't think marriage is marriage if it's between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. If you'd like me to expound on why, feel free to ask me personally and I'll gladly discuss it with you! I also believe in a free market and free speech, so whether you and I agree or not, we both have every right to not only share our opinions, but build a business where we choose, how we choose, and use the profits from that business as we wish. And that, my friends, is why the fact that there is even a debate happening surrounding the Chick-Fil-A controversy seems utterly ridiculous.
First, the mayor of Boston and whoever else wanted to boycott CFA (I'm lazy, sorry) for what their owner said is not an idiot, and deserve respect for their position, but they did make a statement that was not well thought-out. It's ironic, really. They wanted to ban the restaurant from their city for the exact same thing they were doing - expressing their opinion. Apparently it's only OK for them to do that if they agree with you...I'll make a mental note of that. So, I get it. I get the free speech part of it and even posted a link to something Mike Huckabee had written regarding the fact that it's about free speech and the right to express your beliefs. At the time, I didn't really know much about the whole August 1st "Let's go Eat Chicken Day!" (my name for it). Honestly, if you're planning on going in support of free speech, I don't think that's a bad thing, as it's one of the major rights we possess.
Here's where my issue lies: why is this particular instance about free speech? And is it really about free speech? Because, all of a sudden, the Christian (or Republican...sometimes the labels are inaccurately interchangeable) community at large is all "I support Chick-Fil-A!" and "Free Speech for Americans!" But, if it were really about that, why aren't we all "I'm going to Starbucks because they support gay marriage!" and "Breast Cancer Awareness rocks because they expressed their opinion. Free speech all the way!"....? I think it's because it's an easy guise; a cover for saying what we really think: "They can't bash what we believe. They can't ban us for that. I can publicly boycott whatever company I want because they choose to do with their money things I don't agree with, but you want to do that to ME and MY beliefs?? Uh-uh. No.way." But we make it look all pretty like "I love free speech!" I have much more respect for you if you can be honest about your motives, (myself included because I do it too, all the time!) and be consistent. If it's really about free speech then I better see you at Chick-Fil-A with a Starbucks latte in hand. If it's not, then say it's not.
But, if it's not, and it really is because you're offended, then maybe stop and ask yourself a question: Is this the best way to get my point across? Is showing my support in this way the best way to show the love of Christ? Because if our reason for going is to stand up for our beliefs, joining in an already heated debate probably isn't going to win anyone over. I don't know about you, but if someone I disagree with joins a huge throng of people and angrily chomps a chicken sandwich, I'm not prone to want to listen to them. But, if said person that I disagree with bought a chicken sandwich for themselves, brought me one, and invited me to sit down and have an open heart-to-heart talk, I'd at the very least be up for talking. If nothing else, because, hey, I like chicken.
So, before we start boycotting things we disagree with, or very publicly supporting businesses because we agree with them, maybe we should take a different approach. Maybe we should consider, I don't know...actually talking to the people we don't agree with. Write the mayor of Boston a sincere. respectful letter. Better yet, befriend some people in your own community with whom you don't agree. Wasn't Jesus called a glutton and a drunkard? I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he was hanging out with other people who only shared His beliefs. He didn't participate in their behavior, and He openly, honestly and lovingly shared why it was wrong, but He didn't waltz into their house eating a delicious box of waffle fries in spite either.
Besides, if we're really going to be consistent about only supporting businesses that line up with our beliefs, well...stop shopping at Wal-Mart, don't buy American-made cars, don't buy almost any major brand of food/clothes/toiletries, and ask every farmer at the farmer's market where they spend their money, then go live in a commune and grow our own food (wait...that doesn't sound horrible...). But seriously, to borrow a political term, go grassroots and start with your neighbor, or the guy walking downtown, or the lady next to you in the grocery aisle. Because we're called to reach people. And people, my friends, are right next door.
OK, I'm done. And I'm posting it to Facebook. And I might get flack for it. But that's OK, because really, it's only about free speech, right? ;)
If you know me very well, you know I enjoy politics, and a good political debate/discussion. When I had the opportunity to go lobby on Capitol Hill a few weeks ago, I was possibly as excited as a kid going to Disney for the first time (I say possibly, because I've actually never been to Disney. I know, I know. Poor, deprived farm girl. Except I don't really care that much). Also, the normal Americanized Baptistic "Republican = Christian" mindset that tends to permeate much of our society and our churches annoys me to no end, so bring up a politician, gay marriage, and a chicken sandwich and you've got me hooked.
Let's start by getting this out of the way: I believe in marriage between a man and a woman, period. I don't think marriage is marriage if it's between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. If you'd like me to expound on why, feel free to ask me personally and I'll gladly discuss it with you! I also believe in a free market and free speech, so whether you and I agree or not, we both have every right to not only share our opinions, but build a business where we choose, how we choose, and use the profits from that business as we wish. And that, my friends, is why the fact that there is even a debate happening surrounding the Chick-Fil-A controversy seems utterly ridiculous.
First, the mayor of Boston and whoever else wanted to boycott CFA (I'm lazy, sorry) for what their owner said is not an idiot, and deserve respect for their position, but they did make a statement that was not well thought-out. It's ironic, really. They wanted to ban the restaurant from their city for the exact same thing they were doing - expressing their opinion. Apparently it's only OK for them to do that if they agree with you...I'll make a mental note of that. So, I get it. I get the free speech part of it and even posted a link to something Mike Huckabee had written regarding the fact that it's about free speech and the right to express your beliefs. At the time, I didn't really know much about the whole August 1st "Let's go Eat Chicken Day!" (my name for it). Honestly, if you're planning on going in support of free speech, I don't think that's a bad thing, as it's one of the major rights we possess.
Here's where my issue lies: why is this particular instance about free speech? And is it really about free speech? Because, all of a sudden, the Christian (or Republican...sometimes the labels are inaccurately interchangeable) community at large is all "I support Chick-Fil-A!" and "Free Speech for Americans!" But, if it were really about that, why aren't we all "I'm going to Starbucks because they support gay marriage!" and "Breast Cancer Awareness rocks because they expressed their opinion. Free speech all the way!"....? I think it's because it's an easy guise; a cover for saying what we really think: "They can't bash what we believe. They can't ban us for that. I can publicly boycott whatever company I want because they choose to do with their money things I don't agree with, but you want to do that to ME and MY beliefs?? Uh-uh. No.way." But we make it look all pretty like "I love free speech!" I have much more respect for you if you can be honest about your motives, (myself included because I do it too, all the time!) and be consistent. If it's really about free speech then I better see you at Chick-Fil-A with a Starbucks latte in hand. If it's not, then say it's not.
But, if it's not, and it really is because you're offended, then maybe stop and ask yourself a question: Is this the best way to get my point across? Is showing my support in this way the best way to show the love of Christ? Because if our reason for going is to stand up for our beliefs, joining in an already heated debate probably isn't going to win anyone over. I don't know about you, but if someone I disagree with joins a huge throng of people and angrily chomps a chicken sandwich, I'm not prone to want to listen to them. But, if said person that I disagree with bought a chicken sandwich for themselves, brought me one, and invited me to sit down and have an open heart-to-heart talk, I'd at the very least be up for talking. If nothing else, because, hey, I like chicken.
So, before we start boycotting things we disagree with, or very publicly supporting businesses because we agree with them, maybe we should take a different approach. Maybe we should consider, I don't know...actually talking to the people we don't agree with. Write the mayor of Boston a sincere. respectful letter. Better yet, befriend some people in your own community with whom you don't agree. Wasn't Jesus called a glutton and a drunkard? I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he was hanging out with other people who only shared His beliefs. He didn't participate in their behavior, and He openly, honestly and lovingly shared why it was wrong, but He didn't waltz into their house eating a delicious box of waffle fries in spite either.
Besides, if we're really going to be consistent about only supporting businesses that line up with our beliefs, well...stop shopping at Wal-Mart, don't buy American-made cars, don't buy almost any major brand of food/clothes/toiletries, and ask every farmer at the farmer's market where they spend their money, then go live in a commune and grow our own food (wait...that doesn't sound horrible...). But seriously, to borrow a political term, go grassroots and start with your neighbor, or the guy walking downtown, or the lady next to you in the grocery aisle. Because we're called to reach people. And people, my friends, are right next door.
OK, I'm done. And I'm posting it to Facebook. And I might get flack for it. But that's OK, because really, it's only about free speech, right? ;)
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Multitasking Mama
I'm sitting at Liberty University's Snowflex as I write this. Only here do you run into skater guys, moms with kids, people from college who are still hanging out at LU as frequently as when we were students (yes - I'm talking to you guy with the beard. I see you.), and of course, the inevitable small church service. It is Wednesday night, after all, and they are currently singing "How Great is our God", led by a man with an acoustic guitar. Ahh...Liberty. It's nice to know some things don't change. Ever.
Why am I here, you may ask? Well, it's my "free night", and after I perused TJ Maxx for a bit, grabbed some coffee and thought this would be a nice comfy, quiet place to write. However, thanks to guitar man (who does have a lovely voice), I'm not in the air-conditioned lodge on a big comfy couch - I'm on a metal chair which is on top of AstroTurf, with a bee that apparently wants to be friends, and a pile of inner tubes behind me. At least it's a gorgeous view!
*side note* a little girl just shouted "I'm the queen of England!" and there is a lady walking around with a camera videotaping everything, everything, that is, except her kids. And I'm totally out of dress code and feel like I should cover my shoulders with a sweater, lest I get reps. *end side note*
I think it's befitting that I ended up here tonight - the last place I probably would have thought I'd be on my free night. I feel like I should be taking advantage of this time by going out with friends, going for a long run, getting something done...but I'm sitting here instead. It's befitting because I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the general busyness of life, priorities, and how those fit into my role as a mama. (a couple of friends have also recently posted about these things...you can check out Gini's blog here)
As women, I would say 90% of us probably excel at multitasking. It's kind of what we do, without even thinking about it. When I was in high school, I was on the volleyball team, captain of the cheerleading squad, valedictorian (it was a small school - don't be impressed), completed an internship, was on the church and school drama teams, was a youth leader, student council secretary and on yearbook. (can we say overachieving nerd? Yes, yes we can.) In college, it was student leadership, honors classes, dance team (not at LU, silly people), work study, part-time jobs and of course the ever-important hanging out with friends every night of the week. Now, in my job, I manage a staff of 12 who all have their own individual caseloads, update procedures, develop trainings, market our services, serve on a state advisory council, oversee billing and my department budget and goals, hire new staff, supervise and lead staff training, travel...and somewhere in there have a home, husband, son, friends, family and some kind of personal life.
Just looking at that list is exhausting some days. And I don't write that to say "Ooo! Look at me, I'm so busy and important." You - anyone reading this - probably has just as many things, if not more, whether you work or stay at home, have kids or not. My point is, we are just plain busy, and honestly, I don't think that's a good thing. Somewhere we decided that to be valued, to feel accomplished, to have meaning in our days, we need to constantly have something to do, somewhere to be, and someone to meet. And if we don't, then something must be wrong with our lives.
In my role as a mama, I see this permeating my days, especially on my days off. I think I'm so used to doing, doing, doing, I feel bad - actually guilty! - if I'm not. So, we run errands, go to playgroups, do laundry, clean house, pay bills, paint baseboards, organize closets, make lists, make dinner...all in the name of being "productive". And at the end of the day, I still feel behind, and almost wrong if I just want to sit and read or watch some TV for a while. The thing that frustrates me is that we encourage this in one another! I constantly see Facebook posts where we're listing (much as I have here) all the things we did/have to do in a day, and then spur each other on with comments such as "You're supermom!" or "I could never do all of that, you're amazing!" Or, the opposite: we'll post that we're taking some 'me time' and get the inevitable "You deserve it. You work so hard." as though our busyness is a prerequisite for just taking time to enjoy life.
What if it wasn't? What if we slowed down and took some time to really enjoy the gifts that are right in front of our faces, instead of constantly striving for that feeling of 'accomplishment'?
I think it really comes down to our motivation, our priorities, and what we truly value. (or, rather, where we find our value) I've learned in my job that days go best when I plan and prioritize based on what is important, not just checking off a to-do list or scheduling myself so back-to-back that I'm so busy my head is spinning. (even though checking off that list feels so good!) But, if I'm pulled in 10 different directions, or so focused on 'getting it done', I'm not really available for my staff or able to put all of myself into any one thing. The same holds true for home. My relationship with God and my family are most important, and caring for them requires a lot of multitasking. (I'm not dense enough to think I can just sit back and not take care of things. And believe me, with a mobile 8 month old, just cooking dinner can be a feat in juggling) But am I so focused on being 'supermom' or 'superwife' or 'superwhatever' and getting everything done that rather than serving them because I love them and it's a joy, I'm focused on the action of serving and failing to even see the reason(s) I do it? When that's the case, as is far more often than I would like to admit, I am not supermom. I am super-stressed, super-worried, super-anxious and super-exhausted!
So tonight, I'm sitting and writing. And swatting at bees. (seriously?! It's like it wants to make love to my leg. No.thank.you.) And looking at mountains. And enjoying some solitude so when I am back with my family, I can be focused and present, giving them me, not just the things that I do.
Why am I here, you may ask? Well, it's my "free night", and after I perused TJ Maxx for a bit, grabbed some coffee and thought this would be a nice comfy, quiet place to write. However, thanks to guitar man (who does have a lovely voice), I'm not in the air-conditioned lodge on a big comfy couch - I'm on a metal chair which is on top of AstroTurf, with a bee that apparently wants to be friends, and a pile of inner tubes behind me. At least it's a gorgeous view!
*side note* a little girl just shouted "I'm the queen of England!" and there is a lady walking around with a camera videotaping everything, everything, that is, except her kids. And I'm totally out of dress code and feel like I should cover my shoulders with a sweater, lest I get reps. *end side note*
I think it's befitting that I ended up here tonight - the last place I probably would have thought I'd be on my free night. I feel like I should be taking advantage of this time by going out with friends, going for a long run, getting something done...but I'm sitting here instead. It's befitting because I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the general busyness of life, priorities, and how those fit into my role as a mama. (a couple of friends have also recently posted about these things...you can check out Gini's blog here)
As women, I would say 90% of us probably excel at multitasking. It's kind of what we do, without even thinking about it. When I was in high school, I was on the volleyball team, captain of the cheerleading squad, valedictorian (it was a small school - don't be impressed), completed an internship, was on the church and school drama teams, was a youth leader, student council secretary and on yearbook. (can we say overachieving nerd? Yes, yes we can.) In college, it was student leadership, honors classes, dance team (not at LU, silly people), work study, part-time jobs and of course the ever-important hanging out with friends every night of the week. Now, in my job, I manage a staff of 12 who all have their own individual caseloads, update procedures, develop trainings, market our services, serve on a state advisory council, oversee billing and my department budget and goals, hire new staff, supervise and lead staff training, travel...and somewhere in there have a home, husband, son, friends, family and some kind of personal life.
Just looking at that list is exhausting some days. And I don't write that to say "Ooo! Look at me, I'm so busy and important." You - anyone reading this - probably has just as many things, if not more, whether you work or stay at home, have kids or not. My point is, we are just plain busy, and honestly, I don't think that's a good thing. Somewhere we decided that to be valued, to feel accomplished, to have meaning in our days, we need to constantly have something to do, somewhere to be, and someone to meet. And if we don't, then something must be wrong with our lives.
In my role as a mama, I see this permeating my days, especially on my days off. I think I'm so used to doing, doing, doing, I feel bad - actually guilty! - if I'm not. So, we run errands, go to playgroups, do laundry, clean house, pay bills, paint baseboards, organize closets, make lists, make dinner...all in the name of being "productive". And at the end of the day, I still feel behind, and almost wrong if I just want to sit and read or watch some TV for a while. The thing that frustrates me is that we encourage this in one another! I constantly see Facebook posts where we're listing (much as I have here) all the things we did/have to do in a day, and then spur each other on with comments such as "You're supermom!" or "I could never do all of that, you're amazing!" Or, the opposite: we'll post that we're taking some 'me time' and get the inevitable "You deserve it. You work so hard." as though our busyness is a prerequisite for just taking time to enjoy life.
What if it wasn't? What if we slowed down and took some time to really enjoy the gifts that are right in front of our faces, instead of constantly striving for that feeling of 'accomplishment'?
I think it really comes down to our motivation, our priorities, and what we truly value. (or, rather, where we find our value) I've learned in my job that days go best when I plan and prioritize based on what is important, not just checking off a to-do list or scheduling myself so back-to-back that I'm so busy my head is spinning. (even though checking off that list feels so good!) But, if I'm pulled in 10 different directions, or so focused on 'getting it done', I'm not really available for my staff or able to put all of myself into any one thing. The same holds true for home. My relationship with God and my family are most important, and caring for them requires a lot of multitasking. (I'm not dense enough to think I can just sit back and not take care of things. And believe me, with a mobile 8 month old, just cooking dinner can be a feat in juggling) But am I so focused on being 'supermom' or 'superwife' or 'superwhatever' and getting everything done that rather than serving them because I love them and it's a joy, I'm focused on the action of serving and failing to even see the reason(s) I do it? When that's the case, as is far more often than I would like to admit, I am not supermom. I am super-stressed, super-worried, super-anxious and super-exhausted!
So tonight, I'm sitting and writing. And swatting at bees. (seriously?! It's like it wants to make love to my leg. No.thank.you.) And looking at mountains. And enjoying some solitude so when I am back with my family, I can be focused and present, giving them me, not just the things that I do.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Gifts
I think about what I want to blog about all the time. No, really. I really think "hmm...I should blog about that" probably at least 3 times/week. I even have things jotted down to blog about. (some of them: working mom life; bangs [as in hairstyle]; girlfriends and how hard they can be; Christians and honesty/real life] ) But then I get all caught up in the crazy that is my life right now and never do it. Tonight, however, that changes. Tonight, it is quiet (for now), cool, I have the door open, music playing and a glass of wine and I am going to blog, damn it. (ooo. Alcohol and cursing right up front; this means it should be a good one. And if it's not, don't burst my bubble. Just go with it.)
The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. Even as I type this, I'm shocked it's been 3 weeks - they have all kind of blurred together. I've been to a conference in Arlington, meetings on Capitol Hill (bucket list - yep, it was on there), watched the sun set from the Jefferson Memorial, danced to karaoke with people of all abilities, spent a week at the beach with family, lost power for a week (those weeks thankfully overlapped!), have a baby who now has 2 teeth is is almost crawling, celebrated a wonderful friend's 30th birthday, and have traveled 400 miles in the last 3 days for work.
Lots has happened, and I feel like I've learned a lot. I'm not entirely sure how it all has worked together or if I'll ever really figure it out, but, while my head still feels like it's in about 800 different places, I feel more centered, more...peaceful, I guess, than I have in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I was stressed today and felt hectic and stretched and just wanted to hide for a while...but getting back to that sense of calm in the midst of chaos hasn't been quite as difficult lately.
Something just clicked a few weeks ago. I was really struggling with just never feeling like anything was enough...constantly behind on everything: work, home, parenting, Pinterest projects, cooking...whatever. And, to be honest, I still feel that way. I think the difference is I'm learning to accept that I can't do everything and I have the ability to choose. I can choose to focus on the crazy parts of life, or I can choose to focus on the good, and see the good - and the bad, and the hectic, and the sad, and the everything - as gifts.
I'm a bookworm (read: nerd alert), and I think God's really used that to teach me some good life lessons. I read Kelle Hampton's book Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected as soon as it came out. I knew it would hit home with all the unexpected I've run into in this motherhood journey, and boy did it ever. I still have it by my bed because I know I'm going to need to re-read it and refer to it often. Along the same lines, I had started reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, when I was pregnant. Her writing is beautiful, but definitely very...flowy, I guess I would say, and for a while I tired of it and put it down. But about a month ago, I felt this irresistible urge to just pick it back up again. And when I did, it was like everything I couldn't quite pin down in my mind and all the things I couldn't put into words just clicked. I brought it with me to my conference, and with the added time to myself was really able to read and think about things.
Since this is getting long, to sum it up (and completely jack the author's words): all is grace. As I was driving Graham to daycare this morning I head Laura Story's song "Blessings", and there is a part that says "We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering, All the while, You hear each spoken need, Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things." That is it! Me, in my prideful, type-A ways am convinced so often that my way is best. That if things would only be this way I would be more content, more happy, more at peace, more... How.dare.I. Everything God gives me is for my good (reference Psalm 118) So often I fail to remember that God chose me, loves me and is for me. This means everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, He is using to shape me and is for my good. And I can choose to see each of these things as a gift from His hand, or choose not to. But I'm learning that life somehow works a bit better when I choose the first option.
Here's a random list I jotted down while at the conference...see? I told you I think about blogging; this was even started as a post while there. Maybe they won't make any sense to you, but I like them.
God's sovereignty
Christians being un-Christian; not direct, tip-toeing around issues (learning how to be honest and real)
Autism
Good conversations with husband
time to think, relax, enjoy
Learning!
Fresh eyes - renewed passion for people
Inspired
Bucket lists
Lists of good things
sleep
love for a baby
community
sharing/growing
fancy hotel things
big city life
gorgeous blue skies, strong breezes
bubble baths and good music
What are some gifts you've noticed in your life lately? Or, if you haven't, maybe now is a good time to look for them...I promise, it will be a good thing. (side note: when I say it's a 'good thing' I feel like Martha Stewart. Didn't she always have a segment on her show saying 'It's a good thing.' ? That is all.)
The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. Even as I type this, I'm shocked it's been 3 weeks - they have all kind of blurred together. I've been to a conference in Arlington, meetings on Capitol Hill (bucket list - yep, it was on there), watched the sun set from the Jefferson Memorial, danced to karaoke with people of all abilities, spent a week at the beach with family, lost power for a week (those weeks thankfully overlapped!), have a baby who now has 2 teeth is is almost crawling, celebrated a wonderful friend's 30th birthday, and have traveled 400 miles in the last 3 days for work.
Lots has happened, and I feel like I've learned a lot. I'm not entirely sure how it all has worked together or if I'll ever really figure it out, but, while my head still feels like it's in about 800 different places, I feel more centered, more...peaceful, I guess, than I have in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I was stressed today and felt hectic and stretched and just wanted to hide for a while...but getting back to that sense of calm in the midst of chaos hasn't been quite as difficult lately.
Something just clicked a few weeks ago. I was really struggling with just never feeling like anything was enough...constantly behind on everything: work, home, parenting, Pinterest projects, cooking...whatever. And, to be honest, I still feel that way. I think the difference is I'm learning to accept that I can't do everything and I have the ability to choose. I can choose to focus on the crazy parts of life, or I can choose to focus on the good, and see the good - and the bad, and the hectic, and the sad, and the everything - as gifts.
I'm a bookworm (read: nerd alert), and I think God's really used that to teach me some good life lessons. I read Kelle Hampton's book Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected as soon as it came out. I knew it would hit home with all the unexpected I've run into in this motherhood journey, and boy did it ever. I still have it by my bed because I know I'm going to need to re-read it and refer to it often. Along the same lines, I had started reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, when I was pregnant. Her writing is beautiful, but definitely very...flowy, I guess I would say, and for a while I tired of it and put it down. But about a month ago, I felt this irresistible urge to just pick it back up again. And when I did, it was like everything I couldn't quite pin down in my mind and all the things I couldn't put into words just clicked. I brought it with me to my conference, and with the added time to myself was really able to read and think about things.
Since this is getting long, to sum it up (and completely jack the author's words): all is grace. As I was driving Graham to daycare this morning I head Laura Story's song "Blessings", and there is a part that says "We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering, All the while, You hear each spoken need, Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things." That is it! Me, in my prideful, type-A ways am convinced so often that my way is best. That if things would only be this way I would be more content, more happy, more at peace, more... How.dare.I. Everything God gives me is for my good (reference Psalm 118) So often I fail to remember that God chose me, loves me and is for me. This means everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, He is using to shape me and is for my good. And I can choose to see each of these things as a gift from His hand, or choose not to. But I'm learning that life somehow works a bit better when I choose the first option.
Here's a random list I jotted down while at the conference...see? I told you I think about blogging; this was even started as a post while there. Maybe they won't make any sense to you, but I like them.
God's sovereignty
Christians being un-Christian; not direct, tip-toeing around issues (learning how to be honest and real)
Autism
Good conversations with husband
time to think, relax, enjoy
Learning!
Fresh eyes - renewed passion for people
Inspired
Bucket lists
Lists of good things
sleep
love for a baby
community
sharing/growing
fancy hotel things
big city life
gorgeous blue skies, strong breezes
bubble baths and good music
What are some gifts you've noticed in your life lately? Or, if you haven't, maybe now is a good time to look for them...I promise, it will be a good thing. (side note: when I say it's a 'good thing' I feel like Martha Stewart. Didn't she always have a segment on her show saying 'It's a good thing.' ? That is all.)
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Perspective
So I've been working on this post for about a week and a half now...every time I go to write, it's usually late and I start typing then I think "I'm tired" (or, more probable, Jim is saying "I can't sleep with that light on") and I get about 2 sentences down. It's early tonight, so maybe I'll actually finish this!
Last week I was given the opportunity to watch a friend's adorable little 5(ish) week old boy for a bit before heading to an appointment for work. I was both excited and nervous, nervous because, let's face it, my experience with a 5 week old has been less than ideal. (i.e. that was the week I referred to as 'hell week' up until recently; it's when G started having 4 hours straight of screaming for days on end) But I was excited too, to see how I'd do, how I would feel, if I would enjoy it...kind of to know if the idea of a little one again is really conceivable yet. Bonus: my 7 month old (what?! that's crazy. 7 months) was up twice in the night, once for almost 2 hours, so I was running on similar-to-newborn-phase sleep, just to make it more realistic. He's nice like that.
Back to the babysitting...I actually really enjoyed it! I was so much more relaxed than I remember being at that stage, and I guess it's because you've been through it once, you know it's OK if you don't necessarily have it all figured out. Funny, I should think that now too, but for some reason I think I should have every stage figured out before I get there...ah, lessons. Anyway, I had the very wonderful gift of being given a newborn who had just been fed, (and I wasn't the one who had to do the feeding) so he was pretty content overall. That, combined with me blow-drying my hair and he was asleep not long after he arrived.
Cut to his mom picking him up. We were crossing paths very quickly as I had to get out the door for work, so I had to keep it brief. Brief = me saying something like "Oh, sure he fussed a little, but it was great! I enjoyed it, he slept most of the time." Cue me walking out the door.
As soon as I got in the car I literally slapped myself in the forehead (let's hope the mark had subsided by the time I got to my meeting. If not, I thank my new bangs for covering it up). I remember hearing those words from friends. Friends who meant well, who wanted me to feel comfortable leaving my son with them and not worry about him fussing or crying, friends who wanted me to feel like I didn't need to worry and they could handle it. I also remember the feelings that went along with hearing those (and similar) words, feelings that showed themselves in thoughts like: "why is he good for them? am I doing something wrong? i must be doing something wrong! he's always great for other people and fussy with me, I must not be a good mother. can I just leave him with them and go home and crawl in bed and not come out?"
As soon as I was able, I called that friend and left her a nice long voicemail (which I'm sure was humorous), explaining how sorry I was that I'd been so flippant in telling her how he truly was. I then laid out what actually happened: he was content for about 5 minutes, then started crying, so I picked him up and we walked around and talked until he calmed down, then I held him until I thought he was calm again. I put him in his seat and he watched me blow-dry my hair (which, if you didn't know, is like baby-calming-magic-machine, at least for us it was!), then he fussed off and on for about 5 minutes then fell asleep. Maybe that was too much info, but I know when I was at that point and wanted to just curl into a little ball and cry some days, it would have been nice to hear "Yeah, he did fuss. Yes, we had to take time out of our day to calm him. Yes, babies can be incredibly hard and frustrating. Which is why I'll watch him again anytime, because I've been there."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, something I have learned very well with G is that I prefer things not to be sugar-coated. I want life full-on; the good, the bad, the ugly, the oh-my-gosh-this-is-what-hell-is-like, the we-had-the-best-day-ever days...ALL of it. So if you watch my baby and he screams for 30 minutes straight, don't tell me that "Oh he cried some but he went to sleep; we had a great time!" Please tell me, "I wanted to scream and run out the door and let it slam behind me and go to my nice, peaceful home, but since he's your child, I didn't. I smiled and whispered and silently cursed myself for offering to watch thisdemon angel child."
And if you did have a great time, then tell me that too!...but when you see me looking at that deceptive cute little being with a look of slight disgust because he was up 4x the night before and I'm on my 8th cup of coffee, please be kind enough to at least offer some sympathy for my plight, and don't say "He must be so easy! You have the best baby ever!" Because yes, my child is awesome and his smile lights up the entire room and I could just squeeze his little cheeks all day long and I seriously don't know how he can bring this much joy into my life. But his scream also pierces my eardrums in places I didn't know existed and no baby is incredibly adorable while screaming at 3 am. It's just fact.
All of that rambling to say, I'm thankful for the perspective this experience gave me. It helped me to realize that things truly are stages; they really don't last long. (hindsight is 20/20) It really sparked in me this sense of being thankful for every day - even the hard, not-so-good ones - and to look for the good in every day. I don't want to miss it, and I don't want to look back wishing I would have just relaxed and enjoyed it a bit more (which I do, when I think about those first few months). It really helped me to enjoy them just being a baby, because it is such a fleeting time, and I know when my little baby starts to take his first steps (which is going to come far sooner than I realize), I won't get these sleepless, tired, overwhelemingly full yet happy days back, and I will miss them.
Last week I was given the opportunity to watch a friend's adorable little 5(ish) week old boy for a bit before heading to an appointment for work. I was both excited and nervous, nervous because, let's face it, my experience with a 5 week old has been less than ideal. (i.e. that was the week I referred to as 'hell week' up until recently; it's when G started having 4 hours straight of screaming for days on end) But I was excited too, to see how I'd do, how I would feel, if I would enjoy it...kind of to know if the idea of a little one again is really conceivable yet. Bonus: my 7 month old (what?! that's crazy. 7 months) was up twice in the night, once for almost 2 hours, so I was running on similar-to-newborn-phase sleep, just to make it more realistic. He's nice like that.
Back to the babysitting...I actually really enjoyed it! I was so much more relaxed than I remember being at that stage, and I guess it's because you've been through it once, you know it's OK if you don't necessarily have it all figured out. Funny, I should think that now too, but for some reason I think I should have every stage figured out before I get there...ah, lessons. Anyway, I had the very wonderful gift of being given a newborn who had just been fed, (and I wasn't the one who had to do the feeding) so he was pretty content overall. That, combined with me blow-drying my hair and he was asleep not long after he arrived.
Cut to his mom picking him up. We were crossing paths very quickly as I had to get out the door for work, so I had to keep it brief. Brief = me saying something like "Oh, sure he fussed a little, but it was great! I enjoyed it, he slept most of the time." Cue me walking out the door.
As soon as I got in the car I literally slapped myself in the forehead (let's hope the mark had subsided by the time I got to my meeting. If not, I thank my new bangs for covering it up). I remember hearing those words from friends. Friends who meant well, who wanted me to feel comfortable leaving my son with them and not worry about him fussing or crying, friends who wanted me to feel like I didn't need to worry and they could handle it. I also remember the feelings that went along with hearing those (and similar) words, feelings that showed themselves in thoughts like: "why is he good for them? am I doing something wrong? i must be doing something wrong! he's always great for other people and fussy with me, I must not be a good mother. can I just leave him with them and go home and crawl in bed and not come out?"
As soon as I was able, I called that friend and left her a nice long voicemail (which I'm sure was humorous), explaining how sorry I was that I'd been so flippant in telling her how he truly was. I then laid out what actually happened: he was content for about 5 minutes, then started crying, so I picked him up and we walked around and talked until he calmed down, then I held him until I thought he was calm again. I put him in his seat and he watched me blow-dry my hair (which, if you didn't know, is like baby-calming-magic-machine, at least for us it was!), then he fussed off and on for about 5 minutes then fell asleep. Maybe that was too much info, but I know when I was at that point and wanted to just curl into a little ball and cry some days, it would have been nice to hear "Yeah, he did fuss. Yes, we had to take time out of our day to calm him. Yes, babies can be incredibly hard and frustrating. Which is why I'll watch him again anytime, because I've been there."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, something I have learned very well with G is that I prefer things not to be sugar-coated. I want life full-on; the good, the bad, the ugly, the oh-my-gosh-this-is-what-hell-is-like, the we-had-the-best-day-ever days...ALL of it. So if you watch my baby and he screams for 30 minutes straight, don't tell me that "Oh he cried some but he went to sleep; we had a great time!" Please tell me, "I wanted to scream and run out the door and let it slam behind me and go to my nice, peaceful home, but since he's your child, I didn't. I smiled and whispered and silently cursed myself for offering to watch this
And if you did have a great time, then tell me that too!...but when you see me looking at that deceptive cute little being with a look of slight disgust because he was up 4x the night before and I'm on my 8th cup of coffee, please be kind enough to at least offer some sympathy for my plight, and don't say "He must be so easy! You have the best baby ever!" Because yes, my child is awesome and his smile lights up the entire room and I could just squeeze his little cheeks all day long and I seriously don't know how he can bring this much joy into my life. But his scream also pierces my eardrums in places I didn't know existed and no baby is incredibly adorable while screaming at 3 am. It's just fact.
All of that rambling to say, I'm thankful for the perspective this experience gave me. It helped me to realize that things truly are stages; they really don't last long. (hindsight is 20/20) It really sparked in me this sense of being thankful for every day - even the hard, not-so-good ones - and to look for the good in every day. I don't want to miss it, and I don't want to look back wishing I would have just relaxed and enjoyed it a bit more (which I do, when I think about those first few months). It really helped me to enjoy them just being a baby, because it is such a fleeting time, and I know when my little baby starts to take his first steps (which is going to come far sooner than I realize), I won't get these sleepless, tired, overwhelemingly full yet happy days back, and I will miss them.
Seriously? He slays me.
Copyright S. Carter Studios
Copyright S. Carter Studios
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
25 Random Facts
Inspired by a friend's post, and a discussion in our staff meeting today about diversity and what makes each of us unique, I thought I'd do a random list of 25 things about little ol' me. I'll try to make them as interesting as possible, but no promises.
1. I LOVE to dance. I took dance lessons, was on dance team in high school and college and coached/taught a dance team for 2 years. My favorite? Hip-hop/urban/whatever you want to call it. Don't hate. Sadly, I don't get to do it as often as I'd like, but Jim does get to witness my random dance moves around the house. His usual reaction is just shaking his head.
2. This list is a bit intimidating for me. 25 things? Really? That's hard to think of...sometimes I feel like I could tell you about me in about 5 sentences. But hey, we're doing it. Speaking of intimidating...I like to talk in front of people and am relatively good at it, but it seriously freaks me out. I try to hide it, because I have to do it all the time (i.e. today while leading parts of a staff meeting/training), but secretly, I'm convinced everyone is sitting there going "She.is.an.idiot." On to number 3.
3. I grew up in very small town, very rural MidWest America. When I was little, it was great. When I got to be a teenager, I wanted out. Now that I have my own kids, I kind of miss it. (Mom, don't get too many ideas!)
4. As a result of #3, I kind of love country music. And in relation to the now kind of missing the MidWest, the song "Fly Over States" by Jason Aldean makes me so homesick it's not even funny. Which is weird, because he kind of annoys me. Yet, still...seriously homesick. Also as a result of #3, I love outdoors-y things. Fishing, hiking, gardening, walking...outside is like one huge playground.
5. Anne of Green Gables is possibly the best movie series ever made. Yes, it's based on the books, but this is one rare instance where I think the movie outshines the books every time. Megan Follows embodies Anne perfectly. Sick day growing up always equaled an Anne marathon. Lucky G - I'm so going to try and do this with him too. I have a feeling it may not quite be as fun for him as it was for me, but hey - if he's sick and I'm the mom, I vote I can pick the movie. That's fair, right?
6. I love thunderstorms. We're about ready to get a good one (or so it looks like), and I'm super excited. I want to sit, drink tea, and read.
7. Speaking of reading, I'm a total bookworm. I literally started reading my first books when I was 4 years old, and haven't stopped. Some of my favorites are Jane Austen novels (Pride and Prejudice is my favorite book), John Grisham books and any sort of law/politics/mystery type of book. Currently, I'm reading Emma.
8. I am a little obsessed with all things political. Even though politicians in general annoy me, I love to learn about it, be involved, and have a secret (OK, not anymore) ambition to lobby Congress. Strange, I know.
9. I've seriously considered going to law school. I'll probably continue seriously considering it until I finally do it. Maybe when the kid(s) are older.
10. Yes, I added an (s) to that one. For a while, I honestly considered that maybe we'd be done with just one. But, through the grace of God, a little counseling and some much better hormone levels, I think we'd like at least one more. Not sure if we'll go beyond 2, but I'm open to it.
11. Travel. Oh to just travel....I love it. Some of my favorite places thus far? Yellowstone, the Badlands, New York City (oh I love it...and I miss it), Cozumel, Wilmington, NC. Jim and I used to go to New York every year, at least once/year. It's been 2 years since we've been, and I am going through withdrawal. Once, we went 3 times in the span of 6 weeks...that's a good story.
12. I suck at crafty things. Every once in a while, I have a stroke of genius and do something I consider quite crafty. But overall, Jim wins hands-down on this one. I AM good at decorating. And organizing. And cleaning. Basically, I like house-ish things. Although sometimes, the cleaning I could do without.
13. All of my favorite movies have to do with persons with disabilities. Rain Man, Radio, The Boys Next Door, The Other Sister. They inspire me. As does my job. I love my job. I've been in this 'field' for over 10 years now and don't think I'll probably ever leave.
14. Ironing is of the devil. Seriously. Who ever thought "It is only appropriate to wear clothes that are perfectly flat and not wrinkled". That's not life, people. I vote we all just wear things as they are, wrinkled or not, and be happy. I, for one, would be much happier if I wasn't staring at that basket of shirts (and can we note...they are not my shirts, excepting one.)
15. We're only on 15?! This is hard, dang it. Hmm...I am OK with cursing/cussing/whatever you call it. Maybe you think that's bad, that's OK. Personally, I don't think there's a clear line on that one and sometimes, there's just no other words that one would deem appropriate. And quite frankly we ALL think it from time to time, then try to disguise it with 'almost' cuss-words. In my book, just say it, get it out, and move on.
16. Continuing on my soapbox, political correctness annoys me. Now, some things that are considered 'politically correct' make sense, like calling someone a 'person with a disability' instead of a 'disabled person'. But not because of the PC of it, but because they are just that - a person first. But other things, like tip-toeing around issues or whatnot...just deal with it head on please. It saves us all time and we don't have to decipher what you're actually trying to say.
17. Sometimes, I'm afraid of what people will think of me when I write on here. My occasional cuss words, my discussion of struggles, my writing style in general...it's kind of just leaving things out there for you to do what you want with it. But that's good, I think. We need more of that in our lives.
18. I hate drama. But to the opposite end of that, I am sometimes too blunt, because of my strong hatred for drama. I think there's a balance somewhere...I just haven't found it yet. I blame it on my Northern roots. (that works here in the 'South'...sometimes)
19. I have high aspirations to one day live in both Ireland and in Italy. Maybe it's something with the 'I's, I don't know, but both of those countries intrigue me.
20. Jim and I are polar opposites in almost every way imaginable. I like to go out and meet new people, he likes to stay closer to home and with his close-knit group of friends. I am analytical, he is more emotional. He is crafty, I am not. You get the picture.
21. Partly because of #20, but mostly because I had a lot of growing and learning to do, I almost ruined our marriage. Twice. Maybe I'll blog more about that sometime. Maybe. Suffice it to say Jim is the most forgiving man I've ever known.
23. (Jim is helping me now) My 2nd toe is longer than my big toe. G has my feet.
24. I was valedictorian and homecoming queen my senior year. In a class of 6. Yes, 6.
25. I was homeschooled for 6 years, and skipped 4th grade entirely. Because of this, I graduated high school a month after my 17th birthday.
Yay! I did it. 25 things. I feel like I should do a dance. But really, I should do my budget. I'm going with dance though, definitely, definitely dance. (not-so-subtle Rain Man reference)
Good night.
1. I LOVE to dance. I took dance lessons, was on dance team in high school and college and coached/taught a dance team for 2 years. My favorite? Hip-hop/urban/whatever you want to call it. Don't hate. Sadly, I don't get to do it as often as I'd like, but Jim does get to witness my random dance moves around the house. His usual reaction is just shaking his head.
2. This list is a bit intimidating for me. 25 things? Really? That's hard to think of...sometimes I feel like I could tell you about me in about 5 sentences. But hey, we're doing it. Speaking of intimidating...I like to talk in front of people and am relatively good at it, but it seriously freaks me out. I try to hide it, because I have to do it all the time (i.e. today while leading parts of a staff meeting/training), but secretly, I'm convinced everyone is sitting there going "She.is.an.idiot." On to number 3.
3. I grew up in very small town, very rural MidWest America. When I was little, it was great. When I got to be a teenager, I wanted out. Now that I have my own kids, I kind of miss it. (Mom, don't get too many ideas!)
4. As a result of #3, I kind of love country music. And in relation to the now kind of missing the MidWest, the song "Fly Over States" by Jason Aldean makes me so homesick it's not even funny. Which is weird, because he kind of annoys me. Yet, still...seriously homesick. Also as a result of #3, I love outdoors-y things. Fishing, hiking, gardening, walking...outside is like one huge playground.
5. Anne of Green Gables is possibly the best movie series ever made. Yes, it's based on the books, but this is one rare instance where I think the movie outshines the books every time. Megan Follows embodies Anne perfectly. Sick day growing up always equaled an Anne marathon. Lucky G - I'm so going to try and do this with him too. I have a feeling it may not quite be as fun for him as it was for me, but hey - if he's sick and I'm the mom, I vote I can pick the movie. That's fair, right?
6. I love thunderstorms. We're about ready to get a good one (or so it looks like), and I'm super excited. I want to sit, drink tea, and read.
7. Speaking of reading, I'm a total bookworm. I literally started reading my first books when I was 4 years old, and haven't stopped. Some of my favorites are Jane Austen novels (Pride and Prejudice is my favorite book), John Grisham books and any sort of law/politics/mystery type of book. Currently, I'm reading Emma.
8. I am a little obsessed with all things political. Even though politicians in general annoy me, I love to learn about it, be involved, and have a secret (OK, not anymore) ambition to lobby Congress. Strange, I know.
9. I've seriously considered going to law school. I'll probably continue seriously considering it until I finally do it. Maybe when the kid(s) are older.
10. Yes, I added an (s) to that one. For a while, I honestly considered that maybe we'd be done with just one. But, through the grace of God, a little counseling and some much better hormone levels, I think we'd like at least one more. Not sure if we'll go beyond 2, but I'm open to it.
11. Travel. Oh to just travel....I love it. Some of my favorite places thus far? Yellowstone, the Badlands, New York City (oh I love it...and I miss it), Cozumel, Wilmington, NC. Jim and I used to go to New York every year, at least once/year. It's been 2 years since we've been, and I am going through withdrawal. Once, we went 3 times in the span of 6 weeks...that's a good story.
12. I suck at crafty things. Every once in a while, I have a stroke of genius and do something I consider quite crafty. But overall, Jim wins hands-down on this one. I AM good at decorating. And organizing. And cleaning. Basically, I like house-ish things. Although sometimes, the cleaning I could do without.
13. All of my favorite movies have to do with persons with disabilities. Rain Man, Radio, The Boys Next Door, The Other Sister. They inspire me. As does my job. I love my job. I've been in this 'field' for over 10 years now and don't think I'll probably ever leave.
14. Ironing is of the devil. Seriously. Who ever thought "It is only appropriate to wear clothes that are perfectly flat and not wrinkled". That's not life, people. I vote we all just wear things as they are, wrinkled or not, and be happy. I, for one, would be much happier if I wasn't staring at that basket of shirts (and can we note...they are not my shirts, excepting one.)
15. We're only on 15?! This is hard, dang it. Hmm...I am OK with cursing/cussing/whatever you call it. Maybe you think that's bad, that's OK. Personally, I don't think there's a clear line on that one and sometimes, there's just no other words that one would deem appropriate. And quite frankly we ALL think it from time to time, then try to disguise it with 'almost' cuss-words. In my book, just say it, get it out, and move on.
16. Continuing on my soapbox, political correctness annoys me. Now, some things that are considered 'politically correct' make sense, like calling someone a 'person with a disability' instead of a 'disabled person'. But not because of the PC of it, but because they are just that - a person first. But other things, like tip-toeing around issues or whatnot...just deal with it head on please. It saves us all time and we don't have to decipher what you're actually trying to say.
17. Sometimes, I'm afraid of what people will think of me when I write on here. My occasional cuss words, my discussion of struggles, my writing style in general...it's kind of just leaving things out there for you to do what you want with it. But that's good, I think. We need more of that in our lives.
18. I hate drama. But to the opposite end of that, I am sometimes too blunt, because of my strong hatred for drama. I think there's a balance somewhere...I just haven't found it yet. I blame it on my Northern roots. (that works here in the 'South'...sometimes)
19. I have high aspirations to one day live in both Ireland and in Italy. Maybe it's something with the 'I's, I don't know, but both of those countries intrigue me.
20. Jim and I are polar opposites in almost every way imaginable. I like to go out and meet new people, he likes to stay closer to home and with his close-knit group of friends. I am analytical, he is more emotional. He is crafty, I am not. You get the picture.
21. Partly because of #20, but mostly because I had a lot of growing and learning to do, I almost ruined our marriage. Twice. Maybe I'll blog more about that sometime. Maybe. Suffice it to say Jim is the most forgiving man I've ever known.
23. (Jim is helping me now) My 2nd toe is longer than my big toe. G has my feet.
24. I was valedictorian and homecoming queen my senior year. In a class of 6. Yes, 6.
25. I was homeschooled for 6 years, and skipped 4th grade entirely. Because of this, I graduated high school a month after my 17th birthday.
Yay! I did it. 25 things. I feel like I should do a dance. But really, I should do my budget. I'm going with dance though, definitely, definitely dance. (not-so-subtle Rain Man reference)
Good night.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
On Being a Turtle (or Daily Disciplines)
I think to myself, literally, every day: "I need to blog". Then, I start thinking of what to blog about and I get overwhelmed, because I feel like I need to post some big long thing about my postpartum progress (sounds like a really awful 80s cover band, right?) and if I don't then it just seems like I'm ignoring it, but if I do it will be way to involved and drawn out...and then I just don't blog. Thus continues the daily cycle, until today, darn it. I'm blogging. See. Here I am.
What I am not going to do, however, is write an entire blog about how I'm doing with the postpartum thing, or counseling, or what have you. Eventually, I probably will, but right now, I just don't feel like it, so why stress about it? (I say this to myself, in my inside voice. Wait...my inner voice. Inside voice would be like a quiet talking, and if I was talking out loud to myself, even quietly, we'd have more issues to address. Inner voice. Moving on...) Suffice it to say, God has used counseling, His Word, friends, circumstances, my husband, my baby, family...basically life in general to really help me through this time and I'm learning and growing a lot. There, done.
So what shall I blog about, do you ask? We'll see where the keyboard takes me. Can we first talk about how my son is all of a sudden a little mover? Like, within the last week he went from lying on his back and occasionally rolling over if he really felt like it, (but more often just making an "eh! eh! EH!" noise to be picked up), to now immediately rolling as soon as we lay him on the floor. He's on his side, he's on his tummy, he's on his back, he's turning, he's trying to sit up...baby proofing is in my near future. This should be interesting, considering our house is possibly the least baby-proofed place I know of. I love antiques, and we have an old house, so there are lots of random breakable things and nooks and crannies and old cabinets that don't shut properly; like I said, interesting. Or in other words, chaos. (Side note: I accidentally typed "don't shit properly" at first. I erased it, but laughed to myself at that sentence, because really, is there any cabinet that shits properly? I propose that there is not.)
Proof of his new mobility (he's obviously not quite sure what he thinks of it either:):
Hmm...what else? Phillip Phillips. He has nothing to do with my child except I'm pretty sure he'll make very pretty babies, and I think we (as in Jim and I) make pretty babies, so we have that in common.
See. Pretty babies. Gah. I could listen to his version of "We've Got Tonight" about 100x/day and still swoon. OK, I'm done. Jim's probably reading this and gagging. I love you honey. (and by honey, I do mean Jim, I thought I should clarify)
I've decided that I need - I CRAVE - order in my life, possibly even more so now that we have a child. I find that ironic, since a baby basically says "Order? What is that? Is that where there is crap all over the house and poop on the floor and laundry overflowing? Oh that! Sure, we have order."
But there's this little rebel inside me (that inner voice, remember?) that sees that craziness and says, 'I can meet your mess and raise you 2 organized closets, an organized pantry, a huge pile of things to donate and a big fat "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" Take that baby.' And then I collapse in a big heap when I actually think about doing all of those things. So, rather than take that approach, I'm doing the turtle-type of thing (Tortoise and the Hare reference in case you're not quite with me here) and taking it one day at a time, slow and steady, practicing daily disciplines. I'm trying to tackle one big project every week, such as re-organizing the pantry (done. Feels so good.) I've realized that the little things tend to pile up and then I just get completely overwhelmed, so every day am trying to practice putting things in their place right away (assuming they have a place...if they don't, guess what, they're getting one. Boo-yah.). This can be difficult sometimes with a baby, and it doesn't always happen, however, with practice things become habit, and when something is a habit, it's automatic. The best way to break bad habits to to replace them with good ones, so that's what I'm doing, or trying to do at least.
This daily discipline thing is becoming an over-arching theme, and I kind of like it. I'm trying to stick to my cleaning list that I printed out not long after G was born...it's easier said than done. (reference the "Clean All the Things" above.) I get into these modes where I feel like I should do everything, every. day. Yeah, um no, self. Just no. So, sticking to the cleaning list is helpful, as I have one responsibility/day, but it's not overwhelming. I'm also trying to pick one special thing/month to do every day. This month, because I need it desperately, I'm trying to read Romans 8 every day. Doesn't matter what time, just that it gets done. I'm thinking June will be something to do with running...we'll see about that one! ;) With all of this, I'm learning that a disciplined life, while it may not sound quite as exciting as a spontaneous life, actually leaves more room for spontaneity, and allows me to "go with the flow" a lot more, because I'm not always focused on what could (or in my mind, should. evil, evil shoulds.) be done.
Now, I leave you with this picture that our friend took while babysitting. He was supposed to be asleep, and also should have had a larger pacifier (which we have since bought extra of!). I kind of love it.
What I am not going to do, however, is write an entire blog about how I'm doing with the postpartum thing, or counseling, or what have you. Eventually, I probably will, but right now, I just don't feel like it, so why stress about it? (I say this to myself, in my inside voice. Wait...my inner voice. Inside voice would be like a quiet talking, and if I was talking out loud to myself, even quietly, we'd have more issues to address. Inner voice. Moving on...) Suffice it to say, God has used counseling, His Word, friends, circumstances, my husband, my baby, family...basically life in general to really help me through this time and I'm learning and growing a lot. There, done.
So what shall I blog about, do you ask? We'll see where the keyboard takes me. Can we first talk about how my son is all of a sudden a little mover? Like, within the last week he went from lying on his back and occasionally rolling over if he really felt like it, (but more often just making an "eh! eh! EH!" noise to be picked up), to now immediately rolling as soon as we lay him on the floor. He's on his side, he's on his tummy, he's on his back, he's turning, he's trying to sit up...baby proofing is in my near future. This should be interesting, considering our house is possibly the least baby-proofed place I know of. I love antiques, and we have an old house, so there are lots of random breakable things and nooks and crannies and old cabinets that don't shut properly; like I said, interesting. Or in other words, chaos. (Side note: I accidentally typed "don't shit properly" at first. I erased it, but laughed to myself at that sentence, because really, is there any cabinet that shits properly? I propose that there is not.)
Proof of his new mobility (he's obviously not quite sure what he thinks of it either:):
Photo taken by Sabrena Deal. She rocks. There's a link to her blog later. Or you can go to her website: www.scarterstudios.com
Hmm...what else? Phillip Phillips. He has nothing to do with my child except I'm pretty sure he'll make very pretty babies, and I think we (as in Jim and I) make pretty babies, so we have that in common.
I've decided that I need - I CRAVE - order in my life, possibly even more so now that we have a child. I find that ironic, since a baby basically says "Order? What is that? Is that where there is crap all over the house and poop on the floor and laundry overflowing? Oh that! Sure, we have order."
But there's this little rebel inside me (that inner voice, remember?) that sees that craziness and says, 'I can meet your mess and raise you 2 organized closets, an organized pantry, a huge pile of things to donate and a big fat "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" Take that baby.' And then I collapse in a big heap when I actually think about doing all of those things. So, rather than take that approach, I'm doing the turtle-type of thing (Tortoise and the Hare reference in case you're not quite with me here) and taking it one day at a time, slow and steady, practicing daily disciplines. I'm trying to tackle one big project every week, such as re-organizing the pantry (done. Feels so good.) I've realized that the little things tend to pile up and then I just get completely overwhelmed, so every day am trying to practice putting things in their place right away (assuming they have a place...if they don't, guess what, they're getting one. Boo-yah.). This can be difficult sometimes with a baby, and it doesn't always happen, however, with practice things become habit, and when something is a habit, it's automatic. The best way to break bad habits to to replace them with good ones, so that's what I'm doing, or trying to do at least.
This daily discipline thing is becoming an over-arching theme, and I kind of like it. I'm trying to stick to my cleaning list that I printed out not long after G was born...it's easier said than done. (reference the "Clean All the Things" above.) I get into these modes where I feel like I should do everything, every. day. Yeah, um no, self. Just no. So, sticking to the cleaning list is helpful, as I have one responsibility/day, but it's not overwhelming. I'm also trying to pick one special thing/month to do every day. This month, because I need it desperately, I'm trying to read Romans 8 every day. Doesn't matter what time, just that it gets done. I'm thinking June will be something to do with running...we'll see about that one! ;) With all of this, I'm learning that a disciplined life, while it may not sound quite as exciting as a spontaneous life, actually leaves more room for spontaneity, and allows me to "go with the flow" a lot more, because I'm not always focused on what could (or in my mind, should. evil, evil shoulds.) be done.
Now, I leave you with this picture that our friend took while babysitting. He was supposed to be asleep, and also should have had a larger pacifier (which we have since bought extra of!). I kind of love it.
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