I've been a SAHM (stay at home mom, for all you hip, cool, non-parents out there) for exactly 2 weekdays now. My last day at work was Thursday, but I usually had Fridays off, and they had a (fabulous and yummy and sad and wonderful) going away party for me on Saturday, so I really didn't consider it 'official' til Monday came around.
It hasn't fully sunk in yet, and I think the 'newness' will stick around for a bit. This week is a busy week, so it may be a little bit before we hit some really mundane days (or maybe not), but I can definitely tell a difference, even in just this little bit of time. And thus, I'd like to say a few words to moms who work outside the home, (or maybe inside the home but are paid from a source outside the home).
I'll preface by saying that the 'Mommy Wars' are just ridiculous, and this isn't something to pitch one 'side' against another. To each their own when it comes to mommyhood, and I can honestly say I wasn't ready to stay at home until now. Work played a huge part in keeping me sane, making me feel like my whole life wasn't crazy, and in helping me hold on to 'me' in the midst of a complete identity crisis (which will come in small or large form when a child enters your world).
That being said, here is my ode to the working mom:
- you balance a schedule like nobody's business. Somehow, you manage to make food, keep your house (relatively) clean, play with your kids, run all the errands you need to, and make time for family, after being gone literally all.day.
- in so doing, if you're anything like me, you constantly feel like you're not doing one (or two, or five) of those things well; like you're only doing everything about 70% max. And that's not the best of feelings, because who wants to half-ass anything? Especially anything relating to the most important people in your life, or a career you are invested in.
- You constantly are making choices between 'have to' and 'want to'. Everyone is, true. But I think the wide expanse between the two is heightened. Example: today, I planned to deep clean my kitchen. But, Graham's transitioning and needed some more mom time, and I wanted to just enjoy this amazingly beautiful fall-like day. So what we did instead included the Riverwalk, a few errands, Chik-Fil-A, reading a book under a tree (me, during nap time) and playing at the park. My kitchen was a disaster when the day started, and was just that much worse by the time dinner was over. I spent a while cleaning it so as not to attract bugs, (it was really bad, let's be honest) but it was OK. When I was working, had I done that, it would have put me so far behind for the rest of the week I would constantly be playing catch up and would have stayed stressed and tense. But now? I have more freedom to choose, and let me tell you, I understand and deeply value that freedom.
- the problem is, if you don't choose the 'fun' over the 'required' then you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your kid. Now, I don't feel quite so much of the tug between spending all of my free time with Graham, or being OK letting him play on his own. It's still there, it's just not as large of a battle in my mind.
- you have to be 'on' all the time. You have to get everyone up and out the door (looking presentable, at the very least; professional in many instances), go to work, do your job (which could involve possibly just as much whining as you may have gotten at home), get the kid(s), walk in the door, start dinner, do the evening routine, then worry about house stuff and silly things like bills, etc. Finally, you may get to read a book or watch TV, and fall asleep while doing so. Not working outside the home, I am still completely exhausted by the end of the day, but the bonus is, if it's just one of those days and I choose to stay in my pajamas and not talk to anyone (other than my child, I should probably talk to him), then most days, I can. I probably shouldn't, but the point is, it's an option.
I'm only 2 days in, so I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be writing a post entitled something like "What Was I Thinking" and document all the perks of working outside the home, and how much I miss those. But for now, working mama, I salute you. You are doing what you need to for your family, or for your sanity, or just because you love it. And your kids seeing that will instill in them a whole world of values that don't need to be spoken.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
What I've Learned
One week. I have one week left at my job. One week from today I will be a stay-at-home mom for the first time since Graham was 3 months old.
I know, I know. I seem to be making a huge deal of this. But really? It's a big life change. We've had a routine down for a year and a half, and in a week, that all changes. But more than that, I have been so very blessed. Blessed because I've been able to do something I truly love and believe in since just after college graduation. In the last seven years, I've realized that it's a rare thing to find people who are truly passionate about their jobs and love what they do. I was able to be one of those people, which is why it's so hard to leave. Sure, I'll get to stay home with my son, and I know that there are going to be so many new joys (and not-so-joyous occasions) that come along with that. But I think it's good to acknowledge endings, own your feelings, and 'grieve' in a way, when things end.
So, that's what I'm doing tonight. And I'm doing it by recounting some of the lessons I've learned along the way. I started as a job coach for our Deaf and hard of hearing clients, and ended directing our supported employment programs and serving on a state committee. Seven years is a long time, and I've learned a lot. Some things came easily, some came the hard way (almost everything with management). Here they are, in no particular order:
I know, I know. I seem to be making a huge deal of this. But really? It's a big life change. We've had a routine down for a year and a half, and in a week, that all changes. But more than that, I have been so very blessed. Blessed because I've been able to do something I truly love and believe in since just after college graduation. In the last seven years, I've realized that it's a rare thing to find people who are truly passionate about their jobs and love what they do. I was able to be one of those people, which is why it's so hard to leave. Sure, I'll get to stay home with my son, and I know that there are going to be so many new joys (and not-so-joyous occasions) that come along with that. But I think it's good to acknowledge endings, own your feelings, and 'grieve' in a way, when things end.
So, that's what I'm doing tonight. And I'm doing it by recounting some of the lessons I've learned along the way. I started as a job coach for our Deaf and hard of hearing clients, and ended directing our supported employment programs and serving on a state committee. Seven years is a long time, and I've learned a lot. Some things came easily, some came the hard way (almost everything with management). Here they are, in no particular order:
- patience, patience, patience!
- learning styles are so much more than just auditory, visual, and kinesthetic, and if you can pinpoint a learning style, you have the potential to have a great employee
- managing people is hard, and messy
- being a boss and also being perceived as 'nice' don't always go hand in hand, even when you want them to
- being a boss while being gracious and just should always go hand in hand, and will gain one more respect than 'niceness' ever could
- government programs and political affiliations aren't always so black and white - especially when you see the good and the bad directly affecting people
- there is still a lot of stigma about people with disabilities, even in the community that exists to serve this population
- sheltered workshops (as a whole), in their current model, are not in the best interests of the people 'working' there
- work may look like many different things, but the value placed on it should be the same
- every small act you do may have a huge impact on others' lives
- I really like policy making and being part of decisions on a larger scale
- I enjoy learning, and enjoy teaching those who want to learn
- you work best when you love what you do, and believe in it
- character matters. If you can do a job with your eyes closed but have no character, I'd prefer you work elsewhere
- people matter. Every person. Age, race, ethnicity, ability, sexual orientation. Maybe we disagree, maybe you make me uncomfortable. But you.matter. and I can learn a lot from you
- there is value in work; in accomplishing something and in contributing
- to paraphrase Proverbs: never made a decision without an abundance of wise counsel
- actually, reading Proverbs daily is the best way to manage people
- be pleasant even when it's hard - it's contagious
- people are people. Big-time CEOs, the person cleaning the toilets. Be kind and be a professional with everyone, and don't be afraid to talk to people. You may make some surprising friends
- always stand up for what is right. Do it respectfully, but don't give in
- be willing to admit when you are wrong, and learn from your mistakes - that's when growth happens
- know your limits. and be willing to ask for help
- helping someone may mean saying 'no' or 'I can't do that'
- never assume what someone is or isn't capable of - they may surprise you!
- humble confidence can get you through doors you never thought would open
- having a good team can make or break a business
- this world is imperfect, but God allows common graces every day for us to see glimpses of His beauty. Oftentimes, it's in the faces of those society deems as 'less than' or not 'normal'. Be aware of this, and look for His handiwork in everyone - better yet, pray for the grace to be an example of this grace to everyone.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Meet Paul
When I was 5, there was a man at my church named Paul. There was something about Paul that I immediately noticed was different. The way he talked to people, how he helped the older ladies up and down the stairs, greeted all of the kids with a smile and a handshake or a high five, (and some of the ladies with a kiss on the hand). He was just...joyful - in the literal sense of the word: full of joy. And in my wise 5 year old brain (which I think can sometimes be much more wise than adults) I knew that Paul was the type of person I wanted to be around.
Paul also happened to have Down Syndrome. He couldn't talk very easily, had a significant stutter, and wasn't able to live on his own. I saw him struggle to say his name, and get frustrated when people were too impatient to stand and listen to him try to talk. Time and again people would finish his sentences for him, guessing at what he had to say, but never really listening.
It was then that I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help people like Paul. Not because he needed my pity, or to feel some sense of validation, or because he 'needed help.' No, in reality, I guess I wanted to help everyone else through helping people like Paul. I wanted to help everyone else see what I could see at the time: a man who, in spite of whatever was his destined lot in life, for better or for worse, chose joy. I wanted to help people see just how valuable Paul truly was, and how much he could teach others. I wanted to show people just how backward they had it, and just how right Paul had it.
And that's why I do what I do, and why I am going to miss it so very much. I know I'll come back to it eventually, in some way shape or form, as that is definitely the call God has placed on my life. But for now, I'll miss it. I'll miss the day in and day out, the annoying things and the frustrations, the little victories and the milestones. But I can't wait to teach Graham all I've learned through those I've worked with over the years - they have truly been my teachers, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Paul also happened to have Down Syndrome. He couldn't talk very easily, had a significant stutter, and wasn't able to live on his own. I saw him struggle to say his name, and get frustrated when people were too impatient to stand and listen to him try to talk. Time and again people would finish his sentences for him, guessing at what he had to say, but never really listening.
It was then that I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help people like Paul. Not because he needed my pity, or to feel some sense of validation, or because he 'needed help.' No, in reality, I guess I wanted to help everyone else through helping people like Paul. I wanted to help everyone else see what I could see at the time: a man who, in spite of whatever was his destined lot in life, for better or for worse, chose joy. I wanted to help people see just how valuable Paul truly was, and how much he could teach others. I wanted to show people just how backward they had it, and just how right Paul had it.
And that's why I do what I do, and why I am going to miss it so very much. I know I'll come back to it eventually, in some way shape or form, as that is definitely the call God has placed on my life. But for now, I'll miss it. I'll miss the day in and day out, the annoying things and the frustrations, the little victories and the milestones. But I can't wait to teach Graham all I've learned through those I've worked with over the years - they have truly been my teachers, and I couldn't be more grateful.
This is Paul. He passed away 3 years ago, at the age of 69.
Monday, August 12, 2013
A Letter to my Husband
It's late. I just finished cleaning the kitchen, there are piles of laundry dotting our room that haven't seemed to find their home in a week, and you're sitting in the other room trying to finish up some work. This has been a pretty common scene in our house these days - both of us running here and there, stopping briefly to say 'Oh, hey you. Nice to see you!' We've had a lot of change happening in our lives this summer, and some days I'm surprised we're all still standing!
Tomorrow we celebrate 7 years of marriage. Seven.years. That seems impossible. I remember as a child, when I heard someone had been married for ten years thinking 'Wow! They've been married for so long.' We're closing in on that, and we're not even 30! Ah, young love. Really young love. We were barely 21 and 22 respectively, and had no clue who we were or what we were doing when we got married. But, we did know that for whatever reason, we were supposed to be together.
It hasn't been easy. Years 3 and 5 were particularly rough; there were a few times we both seriously doubted if we'd make it. There have been times of hardship: financial; medical; job uncertainties; threats to the very vows we made; trying (and trying) to get pregnant; that crazy time we actually had a kid and our worlds turned upside down.
But there have been joys! Learning together, growing together, buying our first home, traveling and making so many memories, graduations, promotions, that crazy time we had a kid and our world turned upside down. :) So.many.joys.
I have loved watching you grow - as a person; emotionally, spiritually, coming into yourself and being confident in that man. Things that used to bother me about you I have learned to now love. I know that if we ever are in a spot where we need a shelter built, a blanket knitted and a cake to survive on, you sir, are the man for all three. And watching you as a daddy? Don't even get me started. You and Graham have something that is pure magic to watch.
Lord-willing, we have many more years in front of us, and they will include a lot more bumps and bruises, but also lots of new joys, and just a lot of plain living. I know we've got a few big challenges coming very soon - new adventures that will stretch and grow us even more.
But, as I sit here, I remember our very first date. 10 pm coffee (Miltons, actually) at the Drowsy Poet (who were we?! Coffee at 10 pm?? Pure.Crazy.) They let us stay past close and we talked til almost midnight (had to get back for curfew). As I walked up the steps to my dorm room, I remember very clearly thinking that in spite of everything that was different about us, and maybe because of those very things, that I was going to marry you. I'm so glad I was right.
Whatever God has in store for us, whatever new roads, new places, new struggles, new memories - I am so very grateful that God chose you for me to spend this life with. I know our future is only beautiful, whatever it holds.
Tomorrow we celebrate 7 years of marriage. Seven.years. That seems impossible. I remember as a child, when I heard someone had been married for ten years thinking 'Wow! They've been married for so long.' We're closing in on that, and we're not even 30! Ah, young love. Really young love. We were barely 21 and 22 respectively, and had no clue who we were or what we were doing when we got married. But, we did know that for whatever reason, we were supposed to be together.
It hasn't been easy. Years 3 and 5 were particularly rough; there were a few times we both seriously doubted if we'd make it. There have been times of hardship: financial; medical; job uncertainties; threats to the very vows we made; trying (and trying) to get pregnant; that crazy time we actually had a kid and our worlds turned upside down.
But there have been joys! Learning together, growing together, buying our first home, traveling and making so many memories, graduations, promotions, that crazy time we had a kid and our world turned upside down. :) So.many.joys.
I have loved watching you grow - as a person; emotionally, spiritually, coming into yourself and being confident in that man. Things that used to bother me about you I have learned to now love. I know that if we ever are in a spot where we need a shelter built, a blanket knitted and a cake to survive on, you sir, are the man for all three. And watching you as a daddy? Don't even get me started. You and Graham have something that is pure magic to watch.
Lord-willing, we have many more years in front of us, and they will include a lot more bumps and bruises, but also lots of new joys, and just a lot of plain living. I know we've got a few big challenges coming very soon - new adventures that will stretch and grow us even more.
But, as I sit here, I remember our very first date. 10 pm coffee (Miltons, actually) at the Drowsy Poet (who were we?! Coffee at 10 pm?? Pure.Crazy.) They let us stay past close and we talked til almost midnight (had to get back for curfew). As I walked up the steps to my dorm room, I remember very clearly thinking that in spite of everything that was different about us, and maybe because of those very things, that I was going to marry you. I'm so glad I was right.
Whatever God has in store for us, whatever new roads, new places, new struggles, new memories - I am so very grateful that God chose you for me to spend this life with. I know our future is only beautiful, whatever it holds.
Happy Anniversary my Love!!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Out with the Old
In with the 'everything is new what the heck is happening with my life?!'
OK, so maybe that's an exaggeration. But it does explain a wee bit why I've been MIA on this thing forever and a day. For some reason, when I'm trying to process things, I can't blog. I can write in a journal maybe, but mostly, I just think. I think of lots of things that I want to blog about, or journal about, or talk about...but then I just think some more. Finally, one day, it all comes spilling out. Or, rather, in a few days, and in spurts.
It's pretty much public knowledge where we live, but for the sake of my husband's job, we haven't said anything too specific out on the internet (read: Facebook) and still aren't. We'd like him to still have a job til we move. Oh, what was that, you say? Move? Yes. We're moving, Lord willing. To Iowa. The fact that I just typed that is possibly one of the strangest things I've ever done.
Honestly, I think it started around here. I didn't realize it then, but looking back, something was brewing. When we visited my family last August, we started talking 'what ifs'. I was really more 'what if' for a long time. Jim was a lot more serious a lot more quickly. It took a lot of thought, a lot of prayer, and a lot of breaking on my part. I couldn't imagine leaving our life here: our friends, our church, my job. That last one was honestly the hardest to let go of. I've moved a lot in my life, so am used to maintaining long distance friendships and resettling. But my job is something I am oddly attached to, and leaving it would mean not only leaving a company I love, but possibly a career, and for a lot of unknowns. I'll have a whole different post about that one.
But finally, I realized that it's what we're supposed to do. There are lots of reasons behind it - a need to slow down, a calling to focus more on our family right now, a desire to be near my extended family. But the overarching theme is really just that we truly feel it's where God is leading us. I have a feeling it's for a lot of reasons we don't even know about yet - more than just the Amish neighbors and chickens. :)
So, it's happening. Our house is for sale. My last day of work is September 12th. That's about all we really know right now. From there, it's a new adventure. Maybe this is our version of the '7 year itch' (our anniversary is next week). Who knows? What I do know, (and what gives me peace when I start silently freaking out) is that God goes before us, and that His plans for us are far greater than whatever we can imagine. I'm excited to discover them!
OK, so maybe that's an exaggeration. But it does explain a wee bit why I've been MIA on this thing forever and a day. For some reason, when I'm trying to process things, I can't blog. I can write in a journal maybe, but mostly, I just think. I think of lots of things that I want to blog about, or journal about, or talk about...but then I just think some more. Finally, one day, it all comes spilling out. Or, rather, in a few days, and in spurts.
It's pretty much public knowledge where we live, but for the sake of my husband's job, we haven't said anything too specific out on the internet (read: Facebook) and still aren't. We'd like him to still have a job til we move. Oh, what was that, you say? Move? Yes. We're moving, Lord willing. To Iowa. The fact that I just typed that is possibly one of the strangest things I've ever done.
Honestly, I think it started around here. I didn't realize it then, but looking back, something was brewing. When we visited my family last August, we started talking 'what ifs'. I was really more 'what if' for a long time. Jim was a lot more serious a lot more quickly. It took a lot of thought, a lot of prayer, and a lot of breaking on my part. I couldn't imagine leaving our life here: our friends, our church, my job. That last one was honestly the hardest to let go of. I've moved a lot in my life, so am used to maintaining long distance friendships and resettling. But my job is something I am oddly attached to, and leaving it would mean not only leaving a company I love, but possibly a career, and for a lot of unknowns. I'll have a whole different post about that one.
But finally, I realized that it's what we're supposed to do. There are lots of reasons behind it - a need to slow down, a calling to focus more on our family right now, a desire to be near my extended family. But the overarching theme is really just that we truly feel it's where God is leading us. I have a feeling it's for a lot of reasons we don't even know about yet - more than just the Amish neighbors and chickens. :)
So, it's happening. Our house is for sale. My last day of work is September 12th. That's about all we really know right now. From there, it's a new adventure. Maybe this is our version of the '7 year itch' (our anniversary is next week). Who knows? What I do know, (and what gives me peace when I start silently freaking out) is that God goes before us, and that His plans for us are far greater than whatever we can imagine. I'm excited to discover them!
(this is Iowa, FYI)
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
One of Those Days
I haven't blogged in 3 months. More on why later, when I can say a little more about that.
Have you ever had one of those days? Not the horrible day where everything goes wrong, but the day where everything's pretty normal, yet you just feel a little 'off'? I had one of those days today. Just anxious and stressed all day. I took a nap and read my Bible and that definitely helped, but I was still combating that feeling all day. Then, dinner. I'm stirring some pasta into this yummy sundried tomato and olive sauce, and a teeny tiny miniscule piece flies into the eye of my son. Cue horrible screams, crying (mommy and baby), rushing to the bathroom for cold water. We get it all figured out, he's good, just wants to eat pasta. Of course. So I make our plates, put his in the freezer to cool off for a minute, and I turn around and he's climbed onto my chair and is eating my pasta. Which happens to have cheese on top. Which he is severely allergic to. Thankfully, I think he just got the pasta, but just in case, I poured myself another glass of wine. A large one.
Yep - one of those days.
And now it's 11:00 pm, and I told Jim I was coming to bed an hour ago. Goodnight all, and hello again blogging world!
Have you ever had one of those days? Not the horrible day where everything goes wrong, but the day where everything's pretty normal, yet you just feel a little 'off'? I had one of those days today. Just anxious and stressed all day. I took a nap and read my Bible and that definitely helped, but I was still combating that feeling all day. Then, dinner. I'm stirring some pasta into this yummy sundried tomato and olive sauce, and a teeny tiny miniscule piece flies into the eye of my son. Cue horrible screams, crying (mommy and baby), rushing to the bathroom for cold water. We get it all figured out, he's good, just wants to eat pasta. Of course. So I make our plates, put his in the freezer to cool off for a minute, and I turn around and he's climbed onto my chair and is eating my pasta. Which happens to have cheese on top. Which he is severely allergic to. Thankfully, I think he just got the pasta, but just in case, I poured myself another glass of wine. A large one.
Yep - one of those days.
And now it's 11:00 pm, and I told Jim I was coming to bed an hour ago. Goodnight all, and hello again blogging world!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Being
I'm sitting here trying to write, but I just can't focus. Story of my life. Lately, at least. I feel spread thin, doing everything all at once, but nothing at the same time. I struggle to take ownership of my days. I let circumstances or distractions run my day and dictate my time. I have a hard time sitting and doing one thing through to completion. Anyone with me?
I've fallen prey to the 'constantly must be entertained/busy/productive' culture that I loathe so much. I envy my husband, because, while it at times frustrates me how one-track minded his male brain can be (love you honey!), it works to his advantage when doing a task. Example: clean the kitchen? OK. Done. That is all he is doing until it is done. Not stopping to throw in a load of laundry because he noticed the kitchen towel was dirty, or change the music because he doesn't like this song, or write down a reminder for something, or add to the grocery list, or water that plant sitting there. Nope. Just clean.the.kitchen. I could learn from this.
I think my problem partly stems from well-versed practice in the art of toddler-dom: what should take 5 minutes takes 25, with lots of interruptions. Somehow, I've let that become a life pattern and I'm really annoying myself with it, to be honest. I'll start this, then do this, then This, then oh! I forgot this. Then I'll take a quick break, read a blog...oh crap. What was I doing? I'm like a manic squirrel, seriously.
Honestly, I think it's a symptom of a deeper heart issue, one that is often thrown around but is harder to actually deal with when confronted with it - discontent. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my son is the most amazing little person alive (I'm not biased at all), I have a great job, a warm home. It's not 'big life change' kind of discontent. It's the small, the daily, the sometimes mundane. But in reality, I think that is 'big life change' material. We're studying a book by Paul Tripp in our small group, called "What Did You Expect??"; the book is in relation to marriage (and very good - I'd recommend it thus far) but has a lot of relation to life in general. One of the things he talks about is how a marriage is a day to day thing, that the big things are a result of, and built on, the little things. The mundane things. The things we don't put a lot of thought into and do on autopilot, rather than with intentionality.
I can see this so practically in my own life. Like I'm almost scared to only do the laundry, because I should be doing x, y AND z as well. I am afraid of - yet at the same time crave - simplicity. Like if I actually admit to myself that I enjoy domestic things, and don't want to be hurried, then something is terribly wrong. I feel lazy, I feel 'less than'. So, I make myself crazy trying to do it all, to not miss out on anything, any experience. But by doing so I end my day feeling as thought I've done a lot, but not done a lot well, and that's not a great feeling. Then I think it's because I'm missing something: I'm not organized enough or disciplined enough, so I keep trying, and keep coming up with the same fruitless feeling. That feeling makes it hard to then want to put the effort in at all, because I never seem to see the result of doing something well.
So, I'm learning. I'm learning that a day of household chores and playing and even resting and refreshing myself, can actually be more gratifying than a day filled with rushing and appointments and the appearance of 'importance', which we sadly have interchanged with the word 'busy'. Important things aren't busy - they take time. time to plan, time to do well. And the thing about importance is that not.everything.can.be.important. So I have to decide what is, and if only that is done, I can rest knowing that it's done well.
Ann Voskamp talks about 'weighing down the moments', and it's so true. Time goes more slowly when I'm focused. When I try to cram in 100 things, all of a sudden my day is done, I'm dizzy and don't know where the time went. I live life by the clock rather than by the moment. This is necessary at times, yes, but when it's not, I don't want that to be my driving force. I also have to guard myself from those feelings of 'not doing enough', if I see others seemingly accomplish the world, while I'm thankful to have put on some makeup. God has called me to a season of slowing down, of focusing, and of resting in Him - of not doing so much, and just being. That is, after all, what we are: beings.
It's a long lesson to learn for this 'do it all' woman, but a much needed one.
I've fallen prey to the 'constantly must be entertained/busy/productive' culture that I loathe so much. I envy my husband, because, while it at times frustrates me how one-track minded his male brain can be (love you honey!), it works to his advantage when doing a task. Example: clean the kitchen? OK. Done. That is all he is doing until it is done. Not stopping to throw in a load of laundry because he noticed the kitchen towel was dirty, or change the music because he doesn't like this song, or write down a reminder for something, or add to the grocery list, or water that plant sitting there. Nope. Just clean.the.kitchen. I could learn from this.
I think my problem partly stems from well-versed practice in the art of toddler-dom: what should take 5 minutes takes 25, with lots of interruptions. Somehow, I've let that become a life pattern and I'm really annoying myself with it, to be honest. I'll start this, then do this, then This, then oh! I forgot this. Then I'll take a quick break, read a blog...oh crap. What was I doing? I'm like a manic squirrel, seriously.
Honestly, I think it's a symptom of a deeper heart issue, one that is often thrown around but is harder to actually deal with when confronted with it - discontent. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my son is the most amazing little person alive (I'm not biased at all), I have a great job, a warm home. It's not 'big life change' kind of discontent. It's the small, the daily, the sometimes mundane. But in reality, I think that is 'big life change' material. We're studying a book by Paul Tripp in our small group, called "What Did You Expect??"; the book is in relation to marriage (and very good - I'd recommend it thus far) but has a lot of relation to life in general. One of the things he talks about is how a marriage is a day to day thing, that the big things are a result of, and built on, the little things. The mundane things. The things we don't put a lot of thought into and do on autopilot, rather than with intentionality.
I can see this so practically in my own life. Like I'm almost scared to only do the laundry, because I should be doing x, y AND z as well. I am afraid of - yet at the same time crave - simplicity. Like if I actually admit to myself that I enjoy domestic things, and don't want to be hurried, then something is terribly wrong. I feel lazy, I feel 'less than'. So, I make myself crazy trying to do it all, to not miss out on anything, any experience. But by doing so I end my day feeling as thought I've done a lot, but not done a lot well, and that's not a great feeling. Then I think it's because I'm missing something: I'm not organized enough or disciplined enough, so I keep trying, and keep coming up with the same fruitless feeling. That feeling makes it hard to then want to put the effort in at all, because I never seem to see the result of doing something well.
So, I'm learning. I'm learning that a day of household chores and playing and even resting and refreshing myself, can actually be more gratifying than a day filled with rushing and appointments and the appearance of 'importance', which we sadly have interchanged with the word 'busy'. Important things aren't busy - they take time. time to plan, time to do well. And the thing about importance is that not.everything.can.be.important. So I have to decide what is, and if only that is done, I can rest knowing that it's done well.
Ann Voskamp talks about 'weighing down the moments', and it's so true. Time goes more slowly when I'm focused. When I try to cram in 100 things, all of a sudden my day is done, I'm dizzy and don't know where the time went. I live life by the clock rather than by the moment. This is necessary at times, yes, but when it's not, I don't want that to be my driving force. I also have to guard myself from those feelings of 'not doing enough', if I see others seemingly accomplish the world, while I'm thankful to have put on some makeup. God has called me to a season of slowing down, of focusing, and of resting in Him - of not doing so much, and just being. That is, after all, what we are: beings.
It's a long lesson to learn for this 'do it all' woman, but a much needed one.
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