Inspired by a friend's post, and a discussion in our staff meeting today about diversity and what makes each of us unique, I thought I'd do a random list of 25 things about little ol' me. I'll try to make them as interesting as possible, but no promises.
1. I LOVE to dance. I took dance lessons, was on dance team in high school and college and coached/taught a dance team for 2 years. My favorite? Hip-hop/urban/whatever you want to call it. Don't hate. Sadly, I don't get to do it as often as I'd like, but Jim does get to witness my random dance moves around the house. His usual reaction is just shaking his head.
2. This list is a bit intimidating for me. 25 things? Really? That's hard to think of...sometimes I feel like I could tell you about me in about 5 sentences. But hey, we're doing it. Speaking of intimidating...I like to talk in front of people and am relatively good at it, but it seriously freaks me out. I try to hide it, because I have to do it all the time (i.e. today while leading parts of a staff meeting/training), but secretly, I'm convinced everyone is sitting there going "She.is.an.idiot." On to number 3.
3. I grew up in very small town, very rural MidWest America. When I was little, it was great. When I got to be a teenager, I wanted out. Now that I have my own kids, I kind of miss it. (Mom, don't get too many ideas!)
4. As a result of #3, I kind of love country music. And in relation to the now kind of missing the MidWest, the song "Fly Over States" by Jason Aldean makes me so homesick it's not even funny. Which is weird, because he kind of annoys me. Yet, still...seriously homesick. Also as a result of #3, I love outdoors-y things. Fishing,
hiking, gardening, walking...outside is like one huge playground.
5. Anne of Green Gables is possibly the best movie series ever made. Yes, it's based on the books, but this is one rare instance where I think the movie outshines the books every time. Megan Follows embodies Anne perfectly. Sick day growing up always equaled an Anne marathon. Lucky G - I'm so going to try and do this with him too. I have a feeling it may not quite be as fun for him as it was for me, but hey - if he's sick and I'm the mom, I vote I can pick the movie. That's fair, right?
6. I love thunderstorms. We're about ready to get a good one (or so it looks like), and I'm super excited. I want to sit, drink tea, and read.
7. Speaking of reading, I'm a total bookworm. I literally started reading my first books when I was 4 years old, and haven't stopped. Some of my favorites are Jane Austen novels (Pride and Prejudice is my favorite book), John Grisham books and any sort of law/politics/mystery type of book. Currently, I'm reading Emma.
8. I am a little obsessed with all things political. Even though politicians in general annoy me, I love to learn about it, be involved, and have a secret (OK, not anymore) ambition to lobby Congress. Strange, I know.
9. I've seriously considered going to law school. I'll probably continue seriously considering it until I finally do it. Maybe when the kid(s) are older.
10. Yes, I added an (s) to that one. For a while, I honestly considered that maybe we'd be done with just one. But, through the grace of God, a little counseling and some much better hormone levels, I think we'd like at least one more. Not sure if we'll go beyond 2, but I'm open to it.
11. Travel. Oh to just travel....I love it. Some of my favorite places thus far? Yellowstone, the Badlands, New York City (oh I love it...and I miss it), Cozumel, Wilmington, NC. Jim and I used to go to New York every year, at least once/year. It's been 2 years since we've been, and I am going through withdrawal. Once, we went 3 times in the span of 6 weeks...that's a good story.
12. I suck at crafty things. Every once in a while, I have a stroke of genius and do something I consider quite crafty. But overall, Jim wins hands-down on this one. I AM good at decorating. And organizing. And cleaning. Basically, I like
house-ish things. Although sometimes, the cleaning I could do without.
13. All of my favorite movies have to do with persons with disabilities. Rain Man, Radio, The Boys Next Door, The Other Sister. They inspire me. As does my job. I love my job. I've been in this 'field' for over 10 years now and don't think I'll probably ever leave.
14. Ironing is of the devil. Seriously. Who ever thought "It is only appropriate to wear clothes that are perfectly flat and not wrinkled". That's not life, people. I vote we all just wear things as they are, wrinkled or not, and be happy. I, for one, would be much happier if I wasn't staring at that basket of shirts (and can we note...they are not my shirts, excepting one.)
15. We're only on 15?! This is hard, dang it. Hmm...I am OK with cursing/cussing/whatever you call it. Maybe you think that's bad, that's OK. Personally, I don't think there's a clear line on that one and sometimes, there's just no other words that one would deem appropriate. And quite frankly we ALL think it from time to time, then try to disguise it with 'almost' cuss-words. In my book, just say it, get it out, and move on.
16. Continuing on my soapbox, political correctness annoys me. Now, some things that are considered 'politically correct' make sense, like calling someone a 'person with a disability' instead of a 'disabled person'. But not because of the PC of it, but because they are just that - a person first. But other things, like tip-toeing around issues or whatnot...just deal with it head on please. It saves us all time and we don't have to decipher what you're actually trying to say.
17. Sometimes, I'm afraid of what people will think of me when I write on here. My occasional cuss words, my discussion of struggles, my writing style in general...it's kind of just leaving things out there for you to do what you want with it. But that's good, I think. We need more of that in our lives.
18. I hate drama. But to the opposite end of that, I am sometimes too blunt, because of my strong hatred for drama. I think there's a balance somewhere...I just haven't found it yet. I blame it on my Northern roots. (that works here in the 'South'...sometimes)
19. I have high aspirations to one day live in both Ireland and in Italy. Maybe it's something with the 'I's, I don't know, but both of those countries intrigue me.
20. Jim and I are polar opposites in almost every way imaginable. I like to go out and meet new people, he likes to stay closer to home and with his close-knit group of friends. I am analytical, he is more emotional. He is crafty, I am not. You get the picture.
21. Partly because of #20, but mostly because I had a lot of growing and learning to do, I almost ruined our marriage. Twice. Maybe I'll blog more about that sometime. Maybe. Suffice it to say Jim is the most forgiving man I've ever known.
23. (Jim is helping me now) My 2nd toe is longer than my big toe. G has my feet.
24. I was valedictorian and homecoming queen my senior year. In a class of 6. Yes, 6.
25. I was homeschooled for 6 years, and skipped 4th grade entirely. Because of this, I graduated high school a month after my 17th birthday.
Yay! I did it. 25 things. I feel like I should do a dance. But really, I should do my budget. I'm going with dance though, definitely, definitely dance. (not-so-subtle Rain Man reference)
Good night.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
On Being a Turtle (or Daily Disciplines)
I think to myself, literally, every day: "I need to blog". Then, I start thinking of what to blog about and I get overwhelmed, because I feel like I need to post some big long thing about my postpartum progress (sounds like a really awful 80s cover band, right?) and if I don't then it just seems like I'm ignoring it, but if I do it will be way to involved and drawn out...and then I just don't blog. Thus continues the daily cycle, until today, darn it. I'm blogging. See. Here I am.
What I am not going to do, however, is write an entire blog about how I'm doing with the postpartum thing, or counseling, or what have you. Eventually, I probably will, but right now, I just don't feel like it, so why stress about it? (I say this to myself, in my inside voice. Wait...my inner voice. Inside voice would be like a quiet talking, and if I was talking out loud to myself, even quietly, we'd have more issues to address. Inner voice. Moving on...) Suffice it to say, God has used counseling, His Word, friends, circumstances, my husband, my baby, family...basically life in general to really help me through this time and I'm learning and growing a lot. There, done.
So what shall I blog about, do you ask? We'll see where the keyboard takes me. Can we first talk about how my son is all of a sudden a little mover? Like, within the last week he went from lying on his back and occasionally rolling over if he really felt like it, (but more often just making an "eh! eh! EH!" noise to be picked up), to now immediately rolling as soon as we lay him on the floor. He's on his side, he's on his tummy, he's on his back, he's turning, he's trying to sit up...baby proofing is in my near future. This should be interesting, considering our house is possibly the least baby-proofed place I know of. I love antiques, and we have an old house, so there are lots of random breakable things and nooks and crannies and old cabinets that don't shut properly; like I said, interesting. Or in other words, chaos. (Side note: I accidentally typed "don't shit properly" at first. I erased it, but laughed to myself at that sentence, because really, is there any cabinet that shits properly? I propose that there is not.)
Proof of his new mobility (he's obviously not quite sure what he thinks of it either:):
Hmm...what else? Phillip Phillips. He has nothing to do with my child except I'm pretty sure he'll make very pretty babies, and I think we (as in Jim and I) make pretty babies, so we have that in common.
See. Pretty babies. Gah. I could listen to his version of "We've Got Tonight" about 100x/day and still swoon. OK, I'm done. Jim's probably reading this and gagging. I love you honey. (and by honey, I do mean Jim, I thought I should clarify)
I've decided that I need - I CRAVE - order in my life, possibly even more so now that we have a child. I find that ironic, since a baby basically says "Order? What is that? Is that where there is crap all over the house and poop on the floor and laundry overflowing? Oh that! Sure, we have order."
But there's this little rebel inside me (that inner voice, remember?) that sees that craziness and says, 'I can meet your mess and raise you 2 organized closets, an organized pantry, a huge pile of things to donate and a big fat "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" Take that baby.' And then I collapse in a big heap when I actually think about doing all of those things. So, rather than take that approach, I'm doing the turtle-type of thing (Tortoise and the Hare reference in case you're not quite with me here) and taking it one day at a time, slow and steady, practicing daily disciplines. I'm trying to tackle one big project every week, such as re-organizing the pantry (done. Feels so good.) I've realized that the little things tend to pile up and then I just get completely overwhelmed, so every day am trying to practice putting things in their place right away (assuming they have a place...if they don't, guess what, they're getting one. Boo-yah.). This can be difficult sometimes with a baby, and it doesn't always happen, however, with practice things become habit, and when something is a habit, it's automatic. The best way to break bad habits to to replace them with good ones, so that's what I'm doing, or trying to do at least.
This daily discipline thing is becoming an over-arching theme, and I kind of like it. I'm trying to stick to my cleaning list that I printed out not long after G was born...it's easier said than done. (reference the "Clean All the Things" above.) I get into these modes where I feel like I should do everything, every. day. Yeah, um no, self. Just no. So, sticking to the cleaning list is helpful, as I have one responsibility/day, but it's not overwhelming. I'm also trying to pick one special thing/month to do every day. This month, because I need it desperately, I'm trying to read Romans 8 every day. Doesn't matter what time, just that it gets done. I'm thinking June will be something to do with running...we'll see about that one! ;) With all of this, I'm learning that a disciplined life, while it may not sound quite as exciting as a spontaneous life, actually leaves more room for spontaneity, and allows me to "go with the flow" a lot more, because I'm not always focused on what could (or in my mind, should. evil, evil shoulds.) be done.
Now, I leave you with this picture that our friend took while babysitting. He was supposed to be asleep, and also should have had a larger pacifier (which we have since bought extra of!). I kind of love it.
What I am not going to do, however, is write an entire blog about how I'm doing with the postpartum thing, or counseling, or what have you. Eventually, I probably will, but right now, I just don't feel like it, so why stress about it? (I say this to myself, in my inside voice. Wait...my inner voice. Inside voice would be like a quiet talking, and if I was talking out loud to myself, even quietly, we'd have more issues to address. Inner voice. Moving on...) Suffice it to say, God has used counseling, His Word, friends, circumstances, my husband, my baby, family...basically life in general to really help me through this time and I'm learning and growing a lot. There, done.
So what shall I blog about, do you ask? We'll see where the keyboard takes me. Can we first talk about how my son is all of a sudden a little mover? Like, within the last week he went from lying on his back and occasionally rolling over if he really felt like it, (but more often just making an "eh! eh! EH!" noise to be picked up), to now immediately rolling as soon as we lay him on the floor. He's on his side, he's on his tummy, he's on his back, he's turning, he's trying to sit up...baby proofing is in my near future. This should be interesting, considering our house is possibly the least baby-proofed place I know of. I love antiques, and we have an old house, so there are lots of random breakable things and nooks and crannies and old cabinets that don't shut properly; like I said, interesting. Or in other words, chaos. (Side note: I accidentally typed "don't shit properly" at first. I erased it, but laughed to myself at that sentence, because really, is there any cabinet that shits properly? I propose that there is not.)
Proof of his new mobility (he's obviously not quite sure what he thinks of it either:):
Photo taken by Sabrena Deal. She rocks. There's a link to her blog later. Or you can go to her website: www.scarterstudios.com
Hmm...what else? Phillip Phillips. He has nothing to do with my child except I'm pretty sure he'll make very pretty babies, and I think we (as in Jim and I) make pretty babies, so we have that in common.
I've decided that I need - I CRAVE - order in my life, possibly even more so now that we have a child. I find that ironic, since a baby basically says "Order? What is that? Is that where there is crap all over the house and poop on the floor and laundry overflowing? Oh that! Sure, we have order."
But there's this little rebel inside me (that inner voice, remember?) that sees that craziness and says, 'I can meet your mess and raise you 2 organized closets, an organized pantry, a huge pile of things to donate and a big fat "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" Take that baby.' And then I collapse in a big heap when I actually think about doing all of those things. So, rather than take that approach, I'm doing the turtle-type of thing (Tortoise and the Hare reference in case you're not quite with me here) and taking it one day at a time, slow and steady, practicing daily disciplines. I'm trying to tackle one big project every week, such as re-organizing the pantry (done. Feels so good.) I've realized that the little things tend to pile up and then I just get completely overwhelmed, so every day am trying to practice putting things in their place right away (assuming they have a place...if they don't, guess what, they're getting one. Boo-yah.). This can be difficult sometimes with a baby, and it doesn't always happen, however, with practice things become habit, and when something is a habit, it's automatic. The best way to break bad habits to to replace them with good ones, so that's what I'm doing, or trying to do at least.
This daily discipline thing is becoming an over-arching theme, and I kind of like it. I'm trying to stick to my cleaning list that I printed out not long after G was born...it's easier said than done. (reference the "Clean All the Things" above.) I get into these modes where I feel like I should do everything, every. day. Yeah, um no, self. Just no. So, sticking to the cleaning list is helpful, as I have one responsibility/day, but it's not overwhelming. I'm also trying to pick one special thing/month to do every day. This month, because I need it desperately, I'm trying to read Romans 8 every day. Doesn't matter what time, just that it gets done. I'm thinking June will be something to do with running...we'll see about that one! ;) With all of this, I'm learning that a disciplined life, while it may not sound quite as exciting as a spontaneous life, actually leaves more room for spontaneity, and allows me to "go with the flow" a lot more, because I'm not always focused on what could (or in my mind, should. evil, evil shoulds.) be done.
Now, I leave you with this picture that our friend took while babysitting. He was supposed to be asleep, and also should have had a larger pacifier (which we have since bought extra of!). I kind of love it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Lullaby
First of all, the word "lullaby" is a really odd word if you think about it. Just saying. Moving on...
I've found I sing random songs to Graham when he's fussy and needing to sleep but fighting it hardcore. The songs vary based on what comes to mind. Sometimes, it's what one would consider a "normal" lullaby, like "Rock-A-Bye Baby", other times it's something like Carrie Underwood's "Good Girl" because I may have just watched that video on CMT. Hey, whatever works. And honestly, if we're comparing the two songs, I think the latter wins. "Rock-A-Bye Baby" is actually quite scary and traumatic when you realize what it's saying.
The one song that always seems to calm Graham is also one that calms me.If I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, worn out...whatever the case may be, it brings a peace to my soul as much as it calms his little over-tired self. So, I shall share it with you...I don't think the words will ever get old, or ever stop refreshing my spirit.
I've found I sing random songs to Graham when he's fussy and needing to sleep but fighting it hardcore. The songs vary based on what comes to mind. Sometimes, it's what one would consider a "normal" lullaby, like "Rock-A-Bye Baby", other times it's something like Carrie Underwood's "Good Girl" because I may have just watched that video on CMT. Hey, whatever works. And honestly, if we're comparing the two songs, I think the latter wins. "Rock-A-Bye Baby" is actually quite scary and traumatic when you realize what it's saying.
The one song that always seems to calm Graham is also one that calms me.If I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, worn out...whatever the case may be, it brings a peace to my soul as much as it calms his little over-tired self. So, I shall share it with you...I don't think the words will ever get old, or ever stop refreshing my spirit.
Jesus Cast a Look on Me
- Jesus, cast a look on me;
Give me sweet simplicity;
Make me poor, and keep me low,
Seeking only Thee to know. - All that feeds my busy pride,
Cast it evermore aside;
Bid my will to Thine submit,
Lay me humbly at Thy feet. - Make me like a little child,
Of my strength and wisdom spoiled;
Seeing only in Thy light,
Walking only in Thy might; - Leaning on Thy loving breast,
Where a weary soul can rest;
Feeling well the peace of God
Flowing from Thy precious blood. - In this posture let me live,
And hosannas daily give;
In this temper let me die,
And hosannas ever cry.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Pinterest-ing
Well, Lent is over, I'm back on Facebook, all is right in the world. End of post.
Kidding...sort of. I am glad to be back in the online world of friends, but strangely miss being disconnected in some ways too. That temptation to compare with others is always there, which is the downside of it. In some ways I feel like Facebook is a way for us to display our triumphs and successes and the good things of life but hide the ugly, bad, not-so-fun things. Yet when we read other people's status updates or see their pictures, we immediately compare it to our own day that's going not so great, and think the world is ending and our life just sucks compared to everyone else. (note that silly little word again: compare)
In my absence from Facebook I of course had to develop a new little love affair (sorry Facebook, I couldn't stay away...another site was calling me. It was cute, funny and had good cologne. Or just pretty pictures. Either way, I cheated.) Pinterest...the new mom obsession. And while it can also serve to fuel some comparison, (read: she pinned that recipe and that adorable dress...does that mean she's wearing that adorable dress? how does she have time to be on Pinterest? Her baby must be an angel. Wait...how do I have time to be on Pinterest...? *sheepish look to self*) I've noticed there are a lot of more positive things about it too, like all of these random quotes that people pin. Jim gets annoyed with them..."why would I want to read quotes? I just want to find DIY projects."... but I rather like them. One of my favorites as of late is "Comparison is the thief of joy" (this is truth). And, "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
BAM. It was like Pinterest with its DIY wreaths made up of coffee filters and wine corks just took said wreath and smacked me upside the head. (although, if I was getting smacked upside the head with something, having it related to both coffee and wine would not be the worst thing in the world) This is exactly what I do. ALL.THE.TIME. I'm convinced that my crazy day of a not clean house and fussy baby and tired mom is in direct opposition to everyone else who is probably wearing high heels, cooking a gourmet meal looking like Betty Draper, answering emails and saving the world all while rocking their sweet little precious baby to sleep quietly. Then a bunch of other people started re-pinning my pin (the online version of validation) and I thought...hmm. If they think the same thing, then that would mean they're quite possibly still in their pajamas today too. So...my next thought is, let's all meet at Wal-Mart in our no-showered pajama mess and call it a successful day because we made it out of the house. And we'll choose Wal-Mart because, if we're honest, there's a good chance no one will notice. Score.
So, while I wouldn't usually advocate for cheating...sorry Facebook, this time, it was totally worth it. No regrets in the morning. In fact, I may just cook Pinterest some eggs and make them some coffee while I'm at it, and we'll probably continue this little affair. But I'll keep you on the side - you're good for a fun time every now and then, and I'm glad to have you back.
Kidding...sort of. I am glad to be back in the online world of friends, but strangely miss being disconnected in some ways too. That temptation to compare with others is always there, which is the downside of it. In some ways I feel like Facebook is a way for us to display our triumphs and successes and the good things of life but hide the ugly, bad, not-so-fun things. Yet when we read other people's status updates or see their pictures, we immediately compare it to our own day that's going not so great, and think the world is ending and our life just sucks compared to everyone else. (note that silly little word again: compare)
In my absence from Facebook I of course had to develop a new little love affair (sorry Facebook, I couldn't stay away...another site was calling me. It was cute, funny and had good cologne. Or just pretty pictures. Either way, I cheated.) Pinterest...the new mom obsession. And while it can also serve to fuel some comparison, (read: she pinned that recipe and that adorable dress...does that mean she's wearing that adorable dress? how does she have time to be on Pinterest? Her baby must be an angel. Wait...how do I have time to be on Pinterest...? *sheepish look to self*) I've noticed there are a lot of more positive things about it too, like all of these random quotes that people pin. Jim gets annoyed with them..."why would I want to read quotes? I just want to find DIY projects."... but I rather like them. One of my favorites as of late is "Comparison is the thief of joy" (this is truth). And, "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
BAM. It was like Pinterest with its DIY wreaths made up of coffee filters and wine corks just took said wreath and smacked me upside the head. (although, if I was getting smacked upside the head with something, having it related to both coffee and wine would not be the worst thing in the world) This is exactly what I do. ALL.THE.TIME. I'm convinced that my crazy day of a not clean house and fussy baby and tired mom is in direct opposition to everyone else who is probably wearing high heels, cooking a gourmet meal looking like Betty Draper, answering emails and saving the world all while rocking their sweet little precious baby to sleep quietly. Then a bunch of other people started re-pinning my pin (the online version of validation) and I thought...hmm. If they think the same thing, then that would mean they're quite possibly still in their pajamas today too. So...my next thought is, let's all meet at Wal-Mart in our no-showered pajama mess and call it a successful day because we made it out of the house. And we'll choose Wal-Mart because, if we're honest, there's a good chance no one will notice. Score.
So, while I wouldn't usually advocate for cheating...sorry Facebook, this time, it was totally worth it. No regrets in the morning. In fact, I may just cook Pinterest some eggs and make them some coffee while I'm at it, and we'll probably continue this little affair. But I'll keep you on the side - you're good for a fun time every now and then, and I'm glad to have you back.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Half Way Point
So here I am, halfway through the Lenten season and haven't posted one blog post yet. So much for my theory that I'd be posting more often...
When I referred to this "season of dust", I had no idea. No idea what I would be going through, how truly difficult this period would be. I think it's significant that I'm at the halfway point; I feel as though when you're halfway is when you kind of hit the turning point...when you're on a road trip and it feels as though you've been driving forever, you hit that halfway mark and bam! new energy, new motivation...you know that from here on out the trip only gets shorter and you get closer and closer to your end goal.
OK, why the cryptic messages? Maybe because it's weird to say. Scary to say. Makes it a reality if you say it. Postpartum depression. Two words I think every new mom fears, but at the same time feels is a very distant possibility. Unless it's not. Unless it's very near, very real, and very much a part of you right now. Me - the one who always has it altogether, the one who makes things happen, gets things done, sucks it up, deals with it and moves on and is better for it. Except this, this new role, journey, whatever you call it...motherhood. For some reason, it's kicking my butt and I can't seem to get over that "new mommy slump".
There are so many things that are contributing to this, starting from day one in the hospital, I think. First, G had to be suctioned and I didn't even get to hold him for almost an hour, then he wasn't really breastfeeding well, and rather than be supportive, most of the nurses told me I was causing his blood sugar to be low and he would need formula asap. (I HEARD: I am being a bad mom. I am causing my baby harm.) Couple that with the sleep deprivation and adjustment of the first few weeks, and thus started the spiral.
We started getting used to things (kind of); the new life, the new semi-routines, figuring out how to do things like laundry and dinner again...then the three weeks from hell started. Incessant screaming, baby in pain, not knowing what to do. Finally we figured out his allergies and then started the elimination diet. It's not horrible, but constantly having to scrutinize what you're eating, or apologize to others for not being able to eat certain things when they offer to cook...it's wearing. And then every time G would have a really bad day, my first thought was "What did I eat?!" (READ: I just caused my baby more pain. Bad mom award, again).
Then we figured out he really did have GERD on top of the food allergies, and had to start him on medication. Not long after that, he started having more trouble nursing...screaming in pain and not wanting to eat, fussing and spitting up ALL.DAY.LONG. In the midst of all of this my maternity leave ended and after just getting kind of used to baby life, I had to readjust everything again. Then the growth spurt hit and the reflux was worse, he wasn't sleeping, I was a wreck.
Then my milk supply started to get low and we had to try supplementing, but he could only have very specific (expensive) formulas, and he hated it at first...as in wouldn't eat it. So I'm nervous about starving my child, and feeling bad about having to use formula at all, and causing him more pain and worse reflux...and at that point, I wanted to just say "F*** it!" (OK, I actually did say that, if we're being totally honest here) Then we found a formula that worked and said, OK, this is it. We're just going to switch! So then I'm stopping breastfeeding and my hormones are all screwed up again, and he's doing SO MUCH BETTER on the formula, but everything in me (and so many people around me) are screaming "But breastmilk is best! What are you doing? How is it possible this is better for him??" And the mind struggles wage on...
I realized it was time to seek help when my days at home just seemed to be so overwhelming I didn't know where to start. What do I do with a baby all day? Especially if he's having a bad reflux day and needs constant attention? How do I do this? I would just start crying all day and couldn't stop...there seem to be 500 things that need done and I can't figure out where to start, so I just don't do any of them and then feel even worse for it, and get mad at my son because he's so needy and demanding and I feel so overwhelmed. And I feel like I'm back at square one where we just had a newborn and everything is new and I don't know what the hell I'm doing and wondering why in the world people trust me with this kid.
So back to that halfway point...I'm there. I started seeing a counselor and while it's hard and weird and embarrassing and I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own, or just pray through it, or just talk myself out of it and suck it up, or just whatever...I can't. And I need help. And that's OK. And now that we're at the halfway point, it means we're just getting closer and closer to the end goal. And that's a good, good thing.
When I referred to this "season of dust", I had no idea. No idea what I would be going through, how truly difficult this period would be. I think it's significant that I'm at the halfway point; I feel as though when you're halfway is when you kind of hit the turning point...when you're on a road trip and it feels as though you've been driving forever, you hit that halfway mark and bam! new energy, new motivation...you know that from here on out the trip only gets shorter and you get closer and closer to your end goal.
OK, why the cryptic messages? Maybe because it's weird to say. Scary to say. Makes it a reality if you say it. Postpartum depression. Two words I think every new mom fears, but at the same time feels is a very distant possibility. Unless it's not. Unless it's very near, very real, and very much a part of you right now. Me - the one who always has it altogether, the one who makes things happen, gets things done, sucks it up, deals with it and moves on and is better for it. Except this, this new role, journey, whatever you call it...motherhood. For some reason, it's kicking my butt and I can't seem to get over that "new mommy slump".
There are so many things that are contributing to this, starting from day one in the hospital, I think. First, G had to be suctioned and I didn't even get to hold him for almost an hour, then he wasn't really breastfeeding well, and rather than be supportive, most of the nurses told me I was causing his blood sugar to be low and he would need formula asap. (I HEARD: I am being a bad mom. I am causing my baby harm.) Couple that with the sleep deprivation and adjustment of the first few weeks, and thus started the spiral.
We started getting used to things (kind of); the new life, the new semi-routines, figuring out how to do things like laundry and dinner again...then the three weeks from hell started. Incessant screaming, baby in pain, not knowing what to do. Finally we figured out his allergies and then started the elimination diet. It's not horrible, but constantly having to scrutinize what you're eating, or apologize to others for not being able to eat certain things when they offer to cook...it's wearing. And then every time G would have a really bad day, my first thought was "What did I eat?!" (READ: I just caused my baby more pain. Bad mom award, again).
Then we figured out he really did have GERD on top of the food allergies, and had to start him on medication. Not long after that, he started having more trouble nursing...screaming in pain and not wanting to eat, fussing and spitting up ALL.DAY.LONG. In the midst of all of this my maternity leave ended and after just getting kind of used to baby life, I had to readjust everything again. Then the growth spurt hit and the reflux was worse, he wasn't sleeping, I was a wreck.
Then my milk supply started to get low and we had to try supplementing, but he could only have very specific (expensive) formulas, and he hated it at first...as in wouldn't eat it. So I'm nervous about starving my child, and feeling bad about having to use formula at all, and causing him more pain and worse reflux...and at that point, I wanted to just say "F*** it!" (OK, I actually did say that, if we're being totally honest here) Then we found a formula that worked and said, OK, this is it. We're just going to switch! So then I'm stopping breastfeeding and my hormones are all screwed up again, and he's doing SO MUCH BETTER on the formula, but everything in me (and so many people around me) are screaming "But breastmilk is best! What are you doing? How is it possible this is better for him??" And the mind struggles wage on...
I realized it was time to seek help when my days at home just seemed to be so overwhelming I didn't know where to start. What do I do with a baby all day? Especially if he's having a bad reflux day and needs constant attention? How do I do this? I would just start crying all day and couldn't stop...there seem to be 500 things that need done and I can't figure out where to start, so I just don't do any of them and then feel even worse for it, and get mad at my son because he's so needy and demanding and I feel so overwhelmed. And I feel like I'm back at square one where we just had a newborn and everything is new and I don't know what the hell I'm doing and wondering why in the world people trust me with this kid.
So back to that halfway point...I'm there. I started seeing a counselor and while it's hard and weird and embarrassing and I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own, or just pray through it, or just talk myself out of it and suck it up, or just whatever...I can't. And I need help. And that's OK. And now that we're at the halfway point, it means we're just getting closer and closer to the end goal. And that's a good, good thing.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Lent
Growing up, we didn't really observe Lent. To be honest, I always thought it was something you did only if you went to a Catholic church. I also knew Mardi Gras had something to do with it as well and was just overall confused and thought it didn't apply to me.
Now, understanding more of the Christian calendar, I am learning to truly value the various seasons that come with that. Jim and I started observing Advent a couple of years ago, and it has added a whole new meaning to the Christmas season. I have always enjoyed the time leading up to Christmas; the lights, the calm, the wrapping of presents and watching of Christmas movies, the food (yum!), etc. But now, when Thanksgiving is over, I don't feel like there's a strange gap in between the 2 holidays...it's like one continual time of celebration and reflection. We move from being grateful into the season of anticipation, of reading of God's plan that has been from before the beginning of time, of waiting for that final point of celebrating the birth of the God-Man. Following this is the season of Epiphany (which we're just learning more about), celebrating the introduction of Christ as that God-Man.
So now, Lent is upon us and somehow, it managed to sneak up on me again this year. I don't know why; it happens at the same time every year - 40 days before Easter, yet still, I managed to realize only the day beforehand that it was again that season. I've wanted to observe the season for the last couple of years, but always realize it too late and then feel like I missed the boat somehow. This year, even though I am again a few days late, I really do want to take the time to observe the season. I think it's an important reminder of the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf, but more than that, it is a reminder that this life is not about me. My daily struggles, my issues with identity in being a mom, the tiredness I'm facing daily that makes me want to hide under the covers and not come out...they're all a result of a focus on me, and not upward, not on Christ. I think that tangibly observing the season of Lent, feeling the sting, so to speak, of missing something that I am used to, may be a good way to refocus myself and remember that my life - my work, my home, my identity, my worth and value, my mommyhood - all of it is not about me, but about using these parts of my life to point to God and His grace.
So...what to give up? Alcohol?-I could, except I am drinking it to help with milk production and don't think that would be the wisest choice since I kind of need to make milk. TV? I have considered that...it is such an easy thing to get sucked into, especially during this season of American Idol...:) but at the same time, I think it's a way Jim and I sometimes can relax yet connect at the same time, especially when we like a show and can watch together. (plus I really want to watch Downton Abbey and am trying to get him into that...if I wait 40 days, I think it will be a lost cause!)
Facebook? Ouch. Sadly, I think that's what it's going to be. Maybe that sounds petty and stupid...maybe it is. But what I do know is I keep coming back to that. Literally, since I check it about 20x/day. On my phone, on the computer...anytime I have a quick second, I feel like it's the easiest go-to distraction. But that's just it - it's a distraction. Why do I need to be distracted so often? I keep rationalizing with myself though, as it can be used for good things; keeping up with old friends, posting pictures of G so that family can see him, encouragement from others' shared experiences.
But also, (and more often) it is used to fuel things in me that aren't so lovely: jealousy in seeing other people's lives and what's going 'so much better' in their life; Facebook stalking (I admit it, I do it.) that causes me to possibly judge what others are doing in a way I have no business judging them; comparison with other moms-their baby is so much easier, they do more things, they travel, they get more sleep, they look amazing. I think that last one is the worst; I can be having a decent day - even a good day - and then I read how someone's baby did so amazing last night or I see them taking a trip to the beach with their 4 month old, or any other thing that just seems to be better than what I'm doing that day, and all of a sudden I feel like a failure as a mom. These thoughts aren't edifying, and they're not beneficial to me being a good parent to G. I think I need to give myself a break from being able to compare so often, and just focus on us - what our life is like, how we do things as a family, what works for us. I say that so often to friends; "There's no right or wrong way to do it, just figure out what works for you!" but I have such a difficult time listening to my own advice.
So...I'm posting this. Then I'm putting up a link on Facebook, and starting tomorrow (because I like the idea of starting a new week fresh), I am going to be AWOL from Facebook until Easter. If you want to talk to me, there are things like email (alisha.meador@gmail.com), or phone (not posting that on here), or the novel idea of just hanging out. :) I can send pictures via email, and I can still blog. In fact, I have a hypothesis that I'll actually blog more without the Facebook as a distraction. We'll see if that holds true...and I'm excited to see what else I learn through this time, this season of dust.
This probably means I'm going to check Facebook about 200x today as I'll go through a slight period of mourning, but hey, grief comes in all forms. So, to everyone who has a birthday coming up: Happy Birthday! Hope your day is awesome. To everyone posting pictures of your kids: they are adorable. Seriously, how do you live with the cuteness? To all my friends that I'll hang out with: pretend I just tagged you in my status, so you know how important you are to me, and how cool I think you are.
Here goes nothing!
Now, understanding more of the Christian calendar, I am learning to truly value the various seasons that come with that. Jim and I started observing Advent a couple of years ago, and it has added a whole new meaning to the Christmas season. I have always enjoyed the time leading up to Christmas; the lights, the calm, the wrapping of presents and watching of Christmas movies, the food (yum!), etc. But now, when Thanksgiving is over, I don't feel like there's a strange gap in between the 2 holidays...it's like one continual time of celebration and reflection. We move from being grateful into the season of anticipation, of reading of God's plan that has been from before the beginning of time, of waiting for that final point of celebrating the birth of the God-Man. Following this is the season of Epiphany (which we're just learning more about), celebrating the introduction of Christ as that God-Man.
So now, Lent is upon us and somehow, it managed to sneak up on me again this year. I don't know why; it happens at the same time every year - 40 days before Easter, yet still, I managed to realize only the day beforehand that it was again that season. I've wanted to observe the season for the last couple of years, but always realize it too late and then feel like I missed the boat somehow. This year, even though I am again a few days late, I really do want to take the time to observe the season. I think it's an important reminder of the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf, but more than that, it is a reminder that this life is not about me. My daily struggles, my issues with identity in being a mom, the tiredness I'm facing daily that makes me want to hide under the covers and not come out...they're all a result of a focus on me, and not upward, not on Christ. I think that tangibly observing the season of Lent, feeling the sting, so to speak, of missing something that I am used to, may be a good way to refocus myself and remember that my life - my work, my home, my identity, my worth and value, my mommyhood - all of it is not about me, but about using these parts of my life to point to God and His grace.
So...what to give up? Alcohol?-I could, except I am drinking it to help with milk production and don't think that would be the wisest choice since I kind of need to make milk. TV? I have considered that...it is such an easy thing to get sucked into, especially during this season of American Idol...:) but at the same time, I think it's a way Jim and I sometimes can relax yet connect at the same time, especially when we like a show and can watch together. (plus I really want to watch Downton Abbey and am trying to get him into that...if I wait 40 days, I think it will be a lost cause!)
Facebook? Ouch. Sadly, I think that's what it's going to be. Maybe that sounds petty and stupid...maybe it is. But what I do know is I keep coming back to that. Literally, since I check it about 20x/day. On my phone, on the computer...anytime I have a quick second, I feel like it's the easiest go-to distraction. But that's just it - it's a distraction. Why do I need to be distracted so often? I keep rationalizing with myself though, as it can be used for good things; keeping up with old friends, posting pictures of G so that family can see him, encouragement from others' shared experiences.
But also, (and more often) it is used to fuel things in me that aren't so lovely: jealousy in seeing other people's lives and what's going 'so much better' in their life; Facebook stalking (I admit it, I do it.) that causes me to possibly judge what others are doing in a way I have no business judging them; comparison with other moms-their baby is so much easier, they do more things, they travel, they get more sleep, they look amazing. I think that last one is the worst; I can be having a decent day - even a good day - and then I read how someone's baby did so amazing last night or I see them taking a trip to the beach with their 4 month old, or any other thing that just seems to be better than what I'm doing that day, and all of a sudden I feel like a failure as a mom. These thoughts aren't edifying, and they're not beneficial to me being a good parent to G. I think I need to give myself a break from being able to compare so often, and just focus on us - what our life is like, how we do things as a family, what works for us. I say that so often to friends; "There's no right or wrong way to do it, just figure out what works for you!" but I have such a difficult time listening to my own advice.
So...I'm posting this. Then I'm putting up a link on Facebook, and starting tomorrow (because I like the idea of starting a new week fresh), I am going to be AWOL from Facebook until Easter. If you want to talk to me, there are things like email (alisha.meador@gmail.com), or phone (not posting that on here), or the novel idea of just hanging out. :) I can send pictures via email, and I can still blog. In fact, I have a hypothesis that I'll actually blog more without the Facebook as a distraction. We'll see if that holds true...and I'm excited to see what else I learn through this time, this season of dust.
This probably means I'm going to check Facebook about 200x today as I'll go through a slight period of mourning, but hey, grief comes in all forms. So, to everyone who has a birthday coming up: Happy Birthday! Hope your day is awesome. To everyone posting pictures of your kids: they are adorable. Seriously, how do you live with the cuteness? To all my friends that I'll hang out with: pretend I just tagged you in my status, so you know how important you are to me, and how cool I think you are.
Here goes nothing!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Baby Steps
I realized I haven't blogged much lately and wanted to remedy that. But...I really couldn't think of anything specific to blog about. My mind's been a bit full the past couple weeks trying to get used to being back at work and getting re-used to being at home on the days I don't work, and then there was the whole thing with G spitting up blood, an almost trip to the ER, tests at the doctor's office...you know, the usual. Thankfully he seems to be doing better (mini version: seems he may have GERD and it was irritating his esophagus so much that it was causing small tears and bleeding. We're working to get it under control now).
Pause: baby is waking from a nap. We'll continue in a bit...
And....we're ack. Typing with one hand while nursing. Thus why I just wrote "ack". We're actually back; we may be ack too, I'm just not entirely sure what that is. Since I still don't have anything specific to write about, we'll just do a lovely list of randomness. I have no idea where this is going to go.
-I've noticed that my hardwood floor doesn't get cleaned nearly as much as it should. How do I know this, you may ask? By the lovely little white spots I find at random intervals throughout our house. While I would love to claim that I was feeling festive and just wanted to create the illusion of a snow shower in this very mild winter, it's actually milk. Breast milk to be exact. So don't judge me if you come over - and try not to be grossed out. In fact, just grab a baby wipe and clean it up for me if you would; you won't have to look at it anymore and my floor will be a bit more clean. It's a win-win for us both.
-What one considers a "good night's sleep" now is quite comical. G woke up the other night around 11:30 (which was a bit annoying as I went to bed at 10:30 - par-tay animal that I am), then didn't wake up again till close to 4 am. As I put him back in bed I prayed (literally, I was praying) "Lord, please please please just let him sleep til after 7. If I can sleep til 7 I will be thrilled." Lo and behold, the alarm goes off and he's still sound asleep. So I laid in bed until 7:20. *shock*awe*gasp* Jim told me as he left "Make sure you get some rest today!" My response? "Why? I had a GREAT night's sleep!"
-This has been the strangest winter I think I have ever experienced. We might get snow tonight, and if we do, it will be the first actual accumulation all winter long. Honestly, I am so thankful; I thrive on being outdoors and have been able to get out with G a lot since he was born. When I was younger, I wondered if I had SAD, because I swear I need more vitamin D than the average human. Or maybe I just wanted one of these, because they're kind of awesome. Either way, I think this weather is God's way of making sure I didn't sink into a seriously deep postpartum depression (because I am quite sure the warm weather is just for that reason. Why wouldn't it revolve around me?)
Pause: baby is yet again waking from a nap.
-I have a random urge to run. Maybe it's from being home so much more than I used to be, or because I feel like my back is always sore from lifting/carrying/nursing a 13 lb. infant and the use of other muscles would feel good...I really don't know. But I do know I keep wanting to run. I actually did it the other night; only about a mile, but still...it's a start. Who knows, maybe I'll try it again one of these days. Or, more probable: I will sit on my sofa eating dairy/soy free chocolate chips and drinking a beer (it helps with milk production. and...it tastes good.) while watching shows like American Idol, The Voice and Smash, as I did this evening. At least I have yoga pants on.
-Speaking of singing...I sing random songs about poop. And bedtime, and spit up, and going to the doctor and Lord only knows what else. Basically anything that happens during the day, I quite possibly will turn into a song to entertain G. Not only is this sad because words like "You've got the poops like G does" should never be uttered to the tune of "Moves Like Jagger", but also because my singing voice is awful and will probably do more harm than good. I can just see G waking up with nightmares later in life of some crazy lady singing horrible songs to him as a form of torture. However, if that does happen, I will kindly remind him of the sleep deprivation he put me through, and blame the bad voice on the fact that my eardrums were damaged from his screaming. Then we'll call it even. That's a healthy parent-child relationship if I ever saw one.
-I am pretending this is one long fluid blog post, but in actuality, it's taken me about a week to write this. I had most of it done and then life happened and I never came back to it. I'm glad I don't do this for a living, because I'd be broke. Except, I would kind of enjoy doing this for a living, so maybe I should work on my commitment level. It's not like I have anything else to do, right? But, because it has taken me so long to finish, you are the lucky winner of getting to read the next little paragraph below. I know, I know. You don't have to thank me.
-Pumping.is.awkward. Especially when you have to travel out of town for work, as I did last week. Watch this video; the last clip? That was me in the bathroom of the regional Workforce Center. C-l-a-s-s-y. But not so nearly as classy as having to pump in the parking lot of large employer partner that we work with. I was sitting out in the middle of nowhere, at the back of the parking lot, with my nursing cover on, the pump doing its thing while I perused Facebook on my phone, cows in the pasture next door...then I ever so discreetly put my milk in a cooler and walked in to a business meeting with one of their senior managers. All in a day's work.
-I'm out of things to write at the moment. Partly because I'm 'distracted' by Facebook (according to Jim, that is. In reality, I'm just taking a little break, as any time on Facebook is really just that. Silly boys, don't they know that? ) But mainly because it's after 10 pm and this equates to what would have been me staying out all night pre-baby. So, I bid you adieu. Let's hope I make it back here again before the end of February. Baby steps people, baby steps.
Pause: baby is waking from a nap. We'll continue in a bit...
And....we're ack. Typing with one hand while nursing. Thus why I just wrote "ack". We're actually back; we may be ack too, I'm just not entirely sure what that is. Since I still don't have anything specific to write about, we'll just do a lovely list of randomness. I have no idea where this is going to go.
-I've noticed that my hardwood floor doesn't get cleaned nearly as much as it should. How do I know this, you may ask? By the lovely little white spots I find at random intervals throughout our house. While I would love to claim that I was feeling festive and just wanted to create the illusion of a snow shower in this very mild winter, it's actually milk. Breast milk to be exact. So don't judge me if you come over - and try not to be grossed out. In fact, just grab a baby wipe and clean it up for me if you would; you won't have to look at it anymore and my floor will be a bit more clean. It's a win-win for us both.
-What one considers a "good night's sleep" now is quite comical. G woke up the other night around 11:30 (which was a bit annoying as I went to bed at 10:30 - par-tay animal that I am), then didn't wake up again till close to 4 am. As I put him back in bed I prayed (literally, I was praying) "Lord, please please please just let him sleep til after 7. If I can sleep til 7 I will be thrilled." Lo and behold, the alarm goes off and he's still sound asleep. So I laid in bed until 7:20. *shock*awe*gasp* Jim told me as he left "Make sure you get some rest today!" My response? "Why? I had a GREAT night's sleep!"
-This has been the strangest winter I think I have ever experienced. We might get snow tonight, and if we do, it will be the first actual accumulation all winter long. Honestly, I am so thankful; I thrive on being outdoors and have been able to get out with G a lot since he was born. When I was younger, I wondered if I had SAD, because I swear I need more vitamin D than the average human. Or maybe I just wanted one of these, because they're kind of awesome. Either way, I think this weather is God's way of making sure I didn't sink into a seriously deep postpartum depression (because I am quite sure the warm weather is just for that reason. Why wouldn't it revolve around me?)
Pause: baby is yet again waking from a nap.
-I have a random urge to run. Maybe it's from being home so much more than I used to be, or because I feel like my back is always sore from lifting/carrying/nursing a 13 lb. infant and the use of other muscles would feel good...I really don't know. But I do know I keep wanting to run. I actually did it the other night; only about a mile, but still...it's a start. Who knows, maybe I'll try it again one of these days. Or, more probable: I will sit on my sofa eating dairy/soy free chocolate chips and drinking a beer (it helps with milk production. and...it tastes good.) while watching shows like American Idol, The Voice and Smash, as I did this evening. At least I have yoga pants on.
-Speaking of singing...I sing random songs about poop. And bedtime, and spit up, and going to the doctor and Lord only knows what else. Basically anything that happens during the day, I quite possibly will turn into a song to entertain G. Not only is this sad because words like "You've got the poops like G does" should never be uttered to the tune of "Moves Like Jagger", but also because my singing voice is awful and will probably do more harm than good. I can just see G waking up with nightmares later in life of some crazy lady singing horrible songs to him as a form of torture. However, if that does happen, I will kindly remind him of the sleep deprivation he put me through, and blame the bad voice on the fact that my eardrums were damaged from his screaming. Then we'll call it even. That's a healthy parent-child relationship if I ever saw one.
-I am pretending this is one long fluid blog post, but in actuality, it's taken me about a week to write this. I had most of it done and then life happened and I never came back to it. I'm glad I don't do this for a living, because I'd be broke. Except, I would kind of enjoy doing this for a living, so maybe I should work on my commitment level. It's not like I have anything else to do, right? But, because it has taken me so long to finish, you are the lucky winner of getting to read the next little paragraph below. I know, I know. You don't have to thank me.
-Pumping.is.awkward. Especially when you have to travel out of town for work, as I did last week. Watch this video; the last clip? That was me in the bathroom of the regional Workforce Center. C-l-a-s-s-y. But not so nearly as classy as having to pump in the parking lot of large employer partner that we work with. I was sitting out in the middle of nowhere, at the back of the parking lot, with my nursing cover on, the pump doing its thing while I perused Facebook on my phone, cows in the pasture next door...then I ever so discreetly put my milk in a cooler and walked in to a business meeting with one of their senior managers. All in a day's work.
-I'm out of things to write at the moment. Partly because I'm 'distracted' by Facebook (according to Jim, that is. In reality, I'm just taking a little break, as any time on Facebook is really just that. Silly boys, don't they know that? ) But mainly because it's after 10 pm and this equates to what would have been me staying out all night pre-baby. So, I bid you adieu. Let's hope I make it back here again before the end of February. Baby steps people, baby steps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)