Time

Time. It’s such an interesting little thing, that time; such a fluid concept. People always say it goes by more quickly the older you get, and it really does seem like that is true. But we haven’t lost any hours in the day, so what happens? 

We grow up. When I was a kid, I didn’t have to worry about whether I remembered to send this month’s electric bill, or take care of a budget, or provide food for my family, and cook it, and clean up after it, and go to work, and. and. and.  you get the point. Sure, I had school, and chores, but the majority of my time was spent doing what I wanted to do – like play Barbie’s and roller skate, you know, the important things. Even in college, while I had the added responsibility of part-time jobs, and more intense classwork, most of my time was still me-focused. I could choose when and where and how I wanted to spend it, and I’m realizing, that makes time seem so much longer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately because it hits me at random times. I see someone out running at 11:00 am on a weekday, and wonder “Why don’t I run then? That looks like a gorgeous time of day!” Then I realize, if I leave for a run at 11, my son will want to eat lunch within the next 20 minutes, and will then be ready for a nap shortly thereafter. And if I tried to say "Oh well, I want to run now, so that's what I'm going to do!" I would face the consequences. Consequences that equal the equivalent of Armageddon in baby-world. Oh. THAT’s why I don’t run then. All fo that to say...these random epiphanies have caused me to start thinking about my concept of time, and why it seems that time does indeed move much more swiftly than it used to. And this is my conclusion:

I no longer wake up generally planning out my day, fluidly moving through it as I choose, rather, I think in: breakfast time; play time; lunch time; nap time; snack time; dinner time; bed time.

While there is a lot that happens in between those times, as soon as one is done, I mentally calculate how long til the next one so we can plan accordingly. A morning out? That requires enough planning for at least 2 snack times, a possible early lunch, 2 possible diaper changes, a sippy cup, etc. etc. (my child is a bottomless pit, I tell you!) Evening plans out? That involves: can we do dinner early enough to be home in time for a usual bedtime? If not, how far are we willing to push back bedtime before a meltdown occurs? Do we have plans tomorrow? If so, late bedtime=possible crap night of sleep=possible looong day tomorrow. Is it worth it?

Marriage gives you a little glimmer into the world of 'my time is not my own', but nothing quite so much as parenthood. Your 'me' time is often very small, and can be a mental battle of doing the responsible thing like possibly cleaning that bathtub that you know hasn't been touched in months (we use soap to wash, it gets clean from that, right?), or just relaxing, reading a book, and having a little wine. Rarely are there totally 'carefree' moments anymore. And nothing hurries your time along like realizing you don't own it.

I was talking to a single friend the other day, who let me know of the crazy spontaneous New Years' Eve they were able to have, that involved a last-minute road trip and celebrating the New Year in another state with a bunch of friends. Time? It was all theirs. My New Year involved having 2 lovely couples over to our house (after bedtime), eating appetizers and mixing drinks, a baby that joined the party around 9 pm because, hey, it's rude to party without him, and us barely making it til midnight awake. The funny thing was, as we exchanged stories and laughed at how totally different they were, I realized something. I was completely, utterly content with the New Year we had, and wasn't jealous of theirs. At all. 

Maybe that means I'm old. Maybe it means I'm boring. Or maybe it just means that this new concept of time - this trying to slow down the ever-speeding train and just enjoy the every day - isn't such a bad thing after all.

The Art of Distraction

I'm sitting down to write a blog post on distraction, and so far I've checked two other blogs, Facebook, and am trying to find the right music on Pandora. Yep, pretty sure I've got this 'art' down to a science.

It's funny how we (or I, at least) like to call this 'multi-tasking'. I can do 10 things all at once, look at me go! But then I have this strange desire to live more simply - to slow down, enjoy each moment, be thankful for everything. It's hard to do that when 'everything' means not actually stopping to focus on any one thing for more than a few short seconds.

I'm not sure when life started to get like this; I definitely think the social-media age has a lot to do with it. We can tell the world what we're thinking, feeling, seeing, doing, at any hour of the day in an instant. And we can find out the same from others. Email provides us with a way to communicate quickly and efficiently from our computers, phones, tablets, etc. without having to actually talk to people, and - God forbid - engage in conversation. Don't get me wrong, these technological advances can be blessings, but goodness knows they are easily abused.

I like being able to be so connected. It's such a cool thing to be able to see what's happening in my friends' lives that live thousands of miles away, or to see that other people get how I'm feeling, via the validation of a 'liked' status - you don't feel alone.

But back to that craving of simplicity. I'm not the only one. It's everywhere. Look on Pinterest, (since we're all on there right now anyway): 'Stop the glorification of busy' and quotes by Mary Oliver: 'What are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?' are re-pinned countless times a day, I'd wager. Ironically, I'm pretty sure Ms. Oliver wouldn't have answered her question with: "I'm going to pin things!"

This has been on my mind a lot lately because I find myself consistently gravitating towards distraction. Graham is having a clingy day and finally goes down for a nap? Yes, quietness, and I'm just going to sit here and look online for a bit...an hour...oh crap, he's up. Or, I've had a long, busy day at work, made dinner, played with, bathed and put Graham to bed, I just want to relax. And by relax I mean drink a glass of wine and watch Downton Abbey. These things aren't bad, when done in moderation (as with most things in life) but when they start to become habit, well, I feel like I'm wasting parts of my 'one wild and precious life'.

We do it with our kids too - let's just put on this TV show so I can get 'x' done, or, during the lovely curious stage our son is in - 'Where is your...fill in the blank?" Again, sometimes needed (I would like to get dressed, you know) but what am I teaching him if this becomes a normal thing? I'm teaching things like 'If you're upset, it's best to just divert your attention than take time to deal with what you're feeling and learn how to deal with it". Deep, maybe, but he's smart, I promise you. He'll catch on quickly, and when he's 15 years old and not 15 months old, the habits I'm displaying and modeling now are going to show up on full display.

So how do I, how do we, as a culture, deal with this? I could just go offline, sure, and force myself to 'live simply' in that way, but that's like saying 'I'll avoid alcohol because I might drink too much'. It's putting rules up where, really, discipline is what's needed, not abstaining. And that's it, I think. Discipline. Training my mind, my habits, my actions to be intentional, purposeful, 'weighing down the moment' as Ann Voskamp so beautifully has said. Learning that, while some things are better left in the past (like acid-washed jeans...see this post), some things weren't so bad. Things like having to be at home if you wanted to use the phone to make plans, or physically see people to learn what happened in their day/week/month. Things like community.

And some things - like blogs, or forums, or groups, can be a way to purposefully act that out; I know I've met some wonderful people I wouldn't have met were it not for the online community! But, on the flip side of those wonderful things, if we were meant to know what a ton of people we kind of know, or used to know, or do actually hang out with, are doing, and thinking, and planning, etc. at any second of our day, I feel as though God would have created an avenue for that at the beginning. But He didn't. He created everything - He created US - with purpose. To have families, to take care of the world we live in, to work hard, to enjoy creation, to take care of our homes, to grow food, to live in community - real community. And I know when I take time to do those things - even if they seem tiresome, or take effort, or require actual focus - I feel more like a person, like the part of me that God created to be alive and to know Him and to reflect Him that was lost in the garden is back, and flourishing, and I'm energized!

I made a list tonight of things that I honestly love doing - things like like fire pits and gardening and antiquing and family Saturdays and dancing (and OK, wine made the list, it did.) Every single thing on that list was purposeful, focused, and involved personal interaction or purposeful solitude. What didn't make the list? Things like TV, spending time online, pinning. It helped to put into perspective that while those things are enjoyable to a certain degree, they don't even compare to what truly brings out the life God has intended for me to live. A life full, vibrant, tiring-yes, but in the best way possible. So what am I going to do with this one wild and precious life?? I'm kind of excited to find out!

Revelation

The title of this post sounds deep. In actuality, it has only to do with blogging. (so, in some way I guess it has to do with every post I write...ooo. That is deep) My revelation was that I don't have to wait until I have some deep revelation to actually write a blog post. I have this sneaking suspicion that some, possibly a lot, of bloggers actually start writing multiple posts whenever they have time/thoughts come to them, and save them to finish later. Genius! Genius, I tell you. I, in my always-make-things-10x harder-before-figuring-out-there's-a-better-way-to-do-it ways, have trouble keeping up with blogging because I think I have to wait until I have the time, energy and mental capacity to come up with some deep, thought-provoking post. I have ideas for posts all the time, but then fail to write them because I don't have an hour to just sit and blog at that moment. Well, I just figured out, I don't have to. I can take 5 minutes and get out what's in my head, then come back to it later. What?! Craziness. This may just change my life.

A perfect example of my former thinking ways is that I had planned to blog every day for a week leading up to Graham's birthday. Epic.Fail. I got 3 out. 3 out of 7...not even a 50%. Had I had my revelation prior to that week, it could have turned out a whole lot differently. What really happened was that I had about 10 zillion things going on, between my family coming to town, working a totally different schedule than normal, personal commitments and planning a birthday party that I was too tired to think at night and then writing became a chore. And frankly, my last post took a lot out of me and I needed some days to decompress.

But now, now the party is done, my baby is 1, my parents have left and I have a new-found approach to blogging. Turning over a new leaf, I dare say. It's kind of like the blogging New Year for me; maybe I'll don a little black hat and drink some champagne to celebrate. Except I don't have any...I'll have to work on that. But for now, I'm going to go jot down some ideas I have, then save them for later. See? Genius.

The Post I Really Don't Want to Write

But I need to. I know I need to. I know it will be good for me, and could be good for others. I've been avoiding it for months, for lots of reasons. I'm afraid of what people will think; it's like inviting feedback from random people when you write a blog, and feedback can be scary. I'm not sure I'll get it all out, or say it all right, say it the way I want to. Most of all, I know I still have days when I struggle with it, and it's so much harder to write about current struggles than things you've totally gotten over. I mean, who wants to share with the world your most personal struggles? Not many people that I know of, and I would include myself in that list.

 But, I do feel it's important. I know when I was in the thick of postpartum depression, I desperately wanted someone, anyone to understand how I felt; what I was going through. It's not something people just bring up in conversation: "Hey, I'm Alisha. I have a 4 month old and am seeing a counselor for postpartum depression. How are you? Want to get coffee?" I found some good resources and groups online that made me feel not quite so alone, but it's still not quite the same as 'real' people, you know? So, my prayer is that in writing this, it's not a foreboding or discouraging thing, but an encouragement to someone who may need to read about real life, and that it's OK to struggle, and there are people who get it. (re: 2 Corinthians 1:3-7)

And that is a good starting point for talking about this. The alone feeling. You are completely convinced that no one understands how you're feeling, and if they did, would think you were crazy. Logically, even at the time, I thought that sounded so self-centered/woe-is-me, but still, it seemed like reality. And if I were to get up the nerve to talk about it, to share what I was truly thinking and feeling, what in the world would people think of me? Things like I wanted to just run away some days, or that I would actually get angry at my baby, or that I woke up every morning with a feeling of fear, dread and anxiety - my shoulders would immediately tense before my feet even hit the floor. I was afraid that most moms would look at me like I was some kind of horrible person that needed to have my child taken away.

It started with that, that totally helpless, alone feeling. Then, the negative thoughts came in. 'Why is this so hard?' 'I seem to be having a harder time adjusting than most moms I know.' 'I don't feel like I'm enjoying this.' 'I must be doing something wrong.' 'Every time I leave him with someone they tell me how great he was. He's not great at home. Or maybe it's just me.' And on, and on, and on. It's cyclical. The more you hear these negative thoughts, the more you believe them, the more they seem like truth, and the more alone you feel, so you just shut others out and stay in your head with these thoughts. And it spirals, and you're all of a sudden to the point where you're so overwhelmed you don't know how to get out.

Things like just taking a shower, or going to Target, or making dinner or cleaning seem so overwhelming that you don't know where to start, so you just don't do them. Or, if you're incredibly blessed, your husband makes you do things like take a shower and holds the crying baby for a few minutes, and for a few minutes, you start to feel better...until you start thinking again. 'Why can't I do this?' 'Most moms don't have a lot of help from their husbands and they figure it out. Why can't I?' 'I should be able to do this.'

Shoulds. That's where it really was/is for me. I remember very vividly the day I called the counseling office. It was one of my 2 days/week at home...one of the 2 days/week I dreaded, if we're being honest. At work, I knew what to do, could get things done and was comfortable. At home, I was anything but. So, that Thursday, as I literally sat in our living room sobbing my eyes out at nothing in particular but everything all at once, I realized I needed help. I texted Jim and told him and he simply said 'OK.' That's really all he needed to say; it was enough to tell me I had his support.

Gosh, I was so nervous the first day I went to the counselor. I tried to act all cool and friendly and professional. At work, I have to market quite frequently, so I can do a good professional face when I need to. But it didn't last long. He asked me to tell him what I was feeling, specifically, about me, about motherhood, toward Graham. That last one got me. When I verbally said that sometimes, he annoyed me, or I was mad at him - a small, helpless baby - I just lost it. And you know what my counselor did? He handed me a Kleenex, said it was OK, and before I left, prayed for me. And I knew that, at that moment, God had definitely led me to the right person.

Without going into all the details of my counseling sessions, basically, I had to learn to re-train my thoughts. I would write down a thought I had, for example: "Everyone seems to handle motherhood better than me." Then, I would think of a few things that would negate that statement: 'Everyone' is overgeneralizing.' 'I only see parts of other people's lives; I don't know what they're thinking/feeling.' 'This is a huge life change, and huge life changes take time to get used to.' I would then go one further, and combat it with its exact opposite, with things that were undoubtedly true: 'God ordained me to be his mother.' 'I know his quirks, his needs, his cues better than anyone.' 'No one could be a better mother to Graham than I am; God sovereignly chose him to be part of our family, and not anyone else's'. I think you get the picture.

It was a long road, one that I'm still on, really. This week? This week's been rough. I'm not entirely sure why; hormones maybe. Jim's been working later a lot. Graham has had some reflux issues. But that tenseness, that anxiety in the mornings, that irritability, that sense of being so overwhelmed I'm not sure where to start...it's been there, much more often than I would like to admit. But, God does give enough grace, and daily I am sustained.

I can say I truly love being a mother now. I still find it incredibly hard, and you know what? I probably always will. But in that, I've been stretched, I've grown more than I ever thought I could grow, and it's making me into a better person. Sometimes I just go in and look at my little guy and swell with joy, or just rock him and cry, because I'm so thankful. So thankful for where we are, and where we've come from. This has been the single hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life, but also one of the best. It has made me less reliant on myself, more open with others, and more willing to understand. It has strengthened our marriage. It's helped me to truly understand, just a little, the depth of the love and mercy of God, and how much I am truly dependent on Him. And, I think, it's created an even deeper bond with Graham than I would have had. Once you've gone through hell and back with someone, you grow this sort of connection that binds you together on a level that you really can't even put into words, and that is a very precious thing.

It's done. It's not perfect; there's more I could have said, maybe some I could have left out, and my English teacher friends probably wouldn't appreciate this if it was in a paper, for the lack of tense agreement. But I'm glad I wrote it. I may piggy-back on this later and delve into why I think I had postpartum, and what I may do differently if, Lord willing, there is a next time. For now, I'm going to post this, then go to bed - but not before stopping in to just watch that precious little boy all curled up fast asleep, because moments like that are too good to pass up.

Birthday Week: First Year Top 10, Part 2

And...we're back! 2 days in a row is quite the accomplishment, so I think I'll just end here, close the computer, and go to bed.

Kidding. Kind of, except I really am having trouble of thinking of five more specific things people told me about the first year of parenting. I don't know why exactly, but I think they all kind of run together. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep going. It's time for another installment of "First Year Top 10: Myth or Fact". (In my mind, I hear that being said in the guy's voice from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on NPR)

6. "You will become more 'you' than you ever were before". Fact. This one is probably the most true, yet most difficult to grasp. I have struggled the most this past year in finding me again. In fact, my very first post on this blog was about identity, and I think that is a constant learning and growing process. It's funny, I have always been a confident person and known, for the most part, who I am and what I want out of life. Well, if you ever want your world rocked just have a baby; if you want it rocked even more, have a baby who has some serious health issues and well, who are you again? Because you'll start to wonder. But I know one thing: as I grow in this mothering journey, I'm discovering parts of myself I didn't know were there. Sometimes good, sometimes not, but have a much deeper understanding of myself and of others, and never was able to realize before that that was even missing.

7. "The first three months are hard, but after that, it all starts to click". Myth-ish. I think this is a true statement for a lot of babies, but for us, I think a lot of this not being true was attributed to his reflux. What was true came from a dear friend who has gone through a very similar reflux experience: after 6 months, it gets better. I doubted that for, oh...about 6 months. Then one day, I realized, she was right! Something with babies with severe reflux...once they can sit up independently, life becomes more happy for everyone involved. So, 6 months was our marker; not that there weren't some wonderfully memorable times before then, but there were a lot of hard days too (and by a lot, I mean the majority) and after 6 months, those hard days became fewer.

8. "Don't compare. Your family is your family, and you do what works for you". Fact. I laugh when I write this, because...oh, the irony. Daily I still struggle with this! Oh, she's spending more quality time with her kids, or doing more home projects, or cooking great meals, or..or.or..or what? As much as I struggle with this, I am so thankful for its truth. God gave Graham to us to raise, in the home we live in, with the lives we live, and that is going to look different than anyone else, and that's OK. So hard, but so very, very true.

9. "You won't be wearing those kinds of clothes much anymore". Fact. This is in reference to things like wool, cashmere, silk...things that I had a lot of in my wardrobe, thanks to a lovely little thing called the J. Crew outlet. However, once your cashmere sweater gets spit up on a couple of times,  and you realize just how hard that is to get out of said cashmere sweater, you start to think...hmm. Maybe, just maybe, this should be reserved for non-baby things. I remember when Graham was only a couple of months old going shopping because, as I told Jim, "I just need cute around-the-house things to wear". Things that are easy to wash, but also don't make you feel like you're that tired looking housewife that I think every mom dreads. I'm thankful I do get to wear my 'nicer' things still to work functions and date nights...and it kind of makes those pieces more special when I do wear them!

10. "The days are long, but the years are short". Fact. Times a billion. Oh, especially in those first days, there were times when I was just counting down until daddy came home. Or days like today, when little man skips his morning nap, so takes a weirdly-timed afternoon nap and wants to be in bed at 5:30 when it's daylight savings time. Not happening...but let me tell you, that hour and a half between 5:30 and 7 was looong. Like, I cracked open a beer while making dinner long. On days like that, it's easy to think that they're never going to be independent, never going to eat by themselves or entertain themselves for longer than 5.2 seconds. But then. Then, I start to get ready for his party and look through pictures of the last year. Of how little he was, and how he couldn't even sit, or swallow almost-liquid baby food the first time he tried it, or how his tiger 'lovey' was the same length as him. And now, now he is standing, taking steps, saying words (he says "I did it!" almost every time he flips off a light switch. Hysterical), discovering, learning, eating mostly finger foods and I just want to say "Stop! Just stop for a little bit!" Because this year has gone quickly. The really really hard days of those first months seem like a lifetime ago, but I just can't believe he's a year old already (almost. He's not yet. Let's make that clear.)

Woo! I did it. Top 10. There were so many others, and maybe this list is a bit lame, but that's OK. It got me blogging again, and we're going for a 3-peat tomorrow night. See you then! (or, if you really hate this, then maybe not. But that's OK too. Because I'm secure in my identity as a mom. Sometimes.)

Birthday Week: First Year Top 10, Part 1

Last year, today was one day past my due date and I was anxiously awaiting to have a baby at any point in time. This year, said baby is fast asleep in his room and has just started taking his first steps. It's hard to fathom. The past year has been one of growth, of joy, of trials, of pain, of laughter, of tears, of more love than I have ever known and learning more about myself than I thought was humanly possible. I've posted periodically throughout the year, but have never really put down everything I've wanted to say, all that I wanted to document, all I wanted to remember. Because of that, I've decided to post every night through Graham's birthday next week. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to post each night, but I have some ideas. I have been meaning to post all night tonight to get started, but just couldn't get going, and now it's 10:30. Honestly, I think it's because I know if I do, it means that Graham is actually turning 1, and that he is no longer really a 'baby' baby, and now I'm going to cry, excuse me...

OK. Pulling it together. I have a feeling some of this will be some seriously deep stuff, but tonight, because it's late and because my husband is camping and I don't have someone to cry to if I wanted, we're going to keep it a bit lighter, thus my 'First Year Top 10: Myth or Fact'. I should probably make this into a TV game show. To play, I'm going to write down something I was told about the first year of parenthood. Then, I'm going to say if it was a myth or a fact. Mind blowing, I know. Note: this is in our  case...I'm sure it can vary greatly for everyone. Nevertheless, let's get started shall we?

1. "You'll forget the pain of childbirth." Myth. Did I forget that? NO. Do I ever think I'll forget it? Nope. In fact, if I think about it too much, I get a little freaked out about giving birth again someday. I had a relatively quick labor, but very "intense" (nice word for: hurt.like.a.mother. No pun intended), so to think I'll forget that pain isn't really reasonable. I am able to distance myself from it, and also know now that when it was done, it was really done, and that I can do it. I think that may be what people mean by 'forget the pain'. Or if they really do forget the pain, well, I'm jealous.

2. "Just enjoy every moment. They go by so quickly and you'll miss them." Fact-mostly. I almost can't believe I'm saying that, because for a long time, I did not think that. When you have a baby screaming in pain for 4 hours straight every night for 2 months, your first thought is not "I'm going to miss this". Your first thought is "I miss my old life." And even now, I don't miss the screaming, for obvious reasons. But what I do miss is how little he was, and how even when he was screaming, he could fall asleep in my arms, or how he would just lay there and look at me. Because now, he's a 24 lb. squirming almost-toddler, and he's so much fun, but cuddle times are hard to come by some days. So I get it now. With experience comes wisdom, isn't that how the saying goes?

3. "You're in survival mode for the first few months, and you'll get through." Big.fat.fact. You do not feel like you'll get through some days. The alarm on my phone that woke me up every two hours to feed him? I hate that thing. Correction: I despise it. I heard someone's phone with that music as their ringer the other day and it was like instant anxiety/panic/dread. But we got through, and even looking on those days I can fondly remember (most) of them. I laughed the other morning because I complain sometimes when he's up at 6 am after sleeping all night...how in the world did I get through months of waking up every few hours, and staying up for an hour to feed/change/burp/repeat? Lots of episodes of Law and Order, reruns of America's Next Top Model and the grace of God. That's how.

4. "Breast is best - it will be hard, but do what you have to do to make it work." Myth-for us. Breastfeeding was sweet at times, and I'm glad we did it for a while, and want to try again with any future children. But, as I realized through a lot of pain and tears, it just wasn't to be. I think God used that to really show me how much I'm not in control. Between reflux, protein allergies, post-partum and lots of other things, I'm surprised we made it as long as we did (almost 5 months). I remember the first time we took Graham to the chiropractor after switching him to his lovely, God-sent but incredibly overpriced formula, our chiropractor couldn't believe he was the same baby! He kept going on and on about it, because it was the first time in 4 months he'd seen him smiling and not screaming...that's when I knew we were on to something.

5. "The hardest thing is just getting out the door." FACT. Graham is almost one, and still, every day I have to plan in my head how we're going to arrange everything and everyone to get out the door on time; it doesn't matter if 'on time' means 8 am or 4 pm...it's an art form. Even on the days when everything is perfectly in order - things for the sitter, clothes picked out for all of us, showered the night before...inevitably, 99.9% of the time we're still rushing at the end. Some days, it's because there has been a random blessing from heaven and Graham slept in, so we decide 'Eh. Who needs to get up yet?' But usually, it's more like Graham was up 3 times, or woke up with reflux or teething and literally is pulling my pajama pants to my ankles (well good morning neighbors! This is why our blinds stay closed in the morning) trying to climb on me to be held...whatever it is, while I am cherishing these times (see #2), I do greatly look forward to the day when that part of life will be a little more smooth.

I just edited the title of this to say 'Part 1'. A) because I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush and B) because this gives me something to write about tomorrow in case I'm not in my 'let's talk seriously deep life-altering things' mode yet. More to come...

Boycotting Mama?

I'm almost nervous to write this. Scratch that - I am nervous. A) because it's controversial and B) because it's not really the normal thing I write about on this blog. Oh well, here we go!

If you know me very well, you know I enjoy politics, and a good political debate/discussion. When I had the opportunity to go lobby on Capitol Hill a few weeks ago, I was possibly as excited as a kid going to Disney for the first time (I say possibly, because I've actually never been to Disney. I know, I know. Poor, deprived farm girl. Except I don't really care that much). Also, the normal Americanized Baptistic "Republican = Christian" mindset that tends to permeate much of our society and our churches annoys me to no end, so bring up a politician, gay marriage, and a chicken sandwich and you've got me hooked.

Let's start by getting this out of the way: I believe in marriage between a man and a woman, period. I don't think marriage is marriage if it's between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. If you'd like me to expound on why, feel free to ask me personally and I'll gladly discuss it with you! I also believe in a free market and free speech, so whether you and I agree or not, we both have every right to not only share our opinions, but build a business where we choose, how we choose, and use the profits from that business as we wish. And that, my friends, is why the fact that there is even a debate happening surrounding the Chick-Fil-A controversy seems utterly ridiculous.

First, the mayor of Boston and whoever else wanted to boycott CFA (I'm lazy, sorry) for what their owner said is not an idiot, and deserve respect for their position, but they did make a statement that was not well thought-out. It's ironic, really. They wanted to ban the restaurant from their city for the exact same thing they were doing - expressing their opinion. Apparently it's only OK for them to do that if they agree with you...I'll make a mental note of that. So, I get it. I get the free speech part of it and even posted a link to something Mike Huckabee had written regarding the fact that it's about free speech and the right to express your beliefs. At the time, I didn't really know much about the whole August 1st "Let's go Eat Chicken Day!" (my name for it). Honestly, if you're planning on going in support of free speech, I don't think that's a bad thing, as it's one of the major rights we possess.

Here's where my issue lies: why is this particular instance about free speech? And is it really about free speech? Because, all of a sudden, the Christian (or Republican...sometimes the labels are inaccurately interchangeable) community at large is all "I support Chick-Fil-A!" and "Free Speech for Americans!" But, if it were really about that, why aren't we all "I'm going to Starbucks because they support gay marriage!" and "Breast Cancer Awareness rocks because they expressed their opinion. Free speech all the way!"....? I think it's because it's an easy guise; a cover for saying what we really think: "They can't bash what we believe. They can't ban us for that. I can publicly boycott whatever company I want because they choose to do with their money things I don't agree with, but you want to do that to ME and MY beliefs?? Uh-uh. No.way." But we make it look all pretty like "I love free speech!" I have much more respect for you if you can be honest about your motives, (myself included because I do it too, all the time!) and be consistent. If it's really about free speech then I better see you at Chick-Fil-A with a Starbucks latte in hand. If it's not, then say it's not.

But, if it's not, and it really is because you're offended, then maybe stop and ask yourself a question: Is this the best way to get my point across? Is showing my support in this way the best way to show the love of Christ? Because if our reason for going is to stand up for our beliefs, joining in an already heated debate probably isn't going to win anyone over. I don't know about you, but if someone I disagree with joins a huge throng of people and angrily chomps a chicken sandwich, I'm not prone to want to listen to them. But, if said person that I disagree with bought a chicken sandwich for themselves, brought me one, and invited me to sit down and have an open heart-to-heart talk, I'd at the very least be up for talking. If nothing else, because, hey, I like chicken.

So, before we start boycotting things we disagree with, or very publicly supporting businesses because we agree with them, maybe we should take a different approach. Maybe we should consider, I don't know...actually talking to the people we don't agree with. Write the mayor of Boston a sincere. respectful letter. Better yet, befriend some people in your own community with whom you don't agree. Wasn't Jesus called a glutton and a drunkard? I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he was hanging out with other people who only shared His beliefs. He didn't participate in their behavior, and He openly, honestly and lovingly shared why it was wrong, but He didn't waltz into their house eating a delicious box of waffle fries in spite either.

Besides, if we're really going to be consistent about only supporting businesses that line up with our beliefs, well...stop shopping at Wal-Mart, don't buy American-made cars, don't buy almost any major brand of food/clothes/toiletries, and ask every farmer at the farmer's market where they spend their money, then go live in a commune and grow our own food (wait...that doesn't sound horrible...). But seriously, to borrow a political term, go grassroots and start with your neighbor, or the guy walking downtown, or the lady next to you in the grocery aisle. Because we're called to reach people. And people, my friends, are right next door.

OK, I'm done. And I'm posting it to Facebook. And I might get flack for it. But that's OK, because really, it's only about free speech, right? ;)