This is the bread.

When Graham was about 16 months old, he had a slight toast obsession. By slight, I mean toast morning, noon and night was just fine by his standards. But there was only one kind of bread he could eat, and Whole Foods was the only place that sold it, so we would stock up on 5 loaves at a time. Every time we put it in front of him, we would ask him to thank Jesus for his food, and he would look at it and calmly say 'This is the bread.' It cracked us up every time; he was so matter of fact about it, and so excited for bread every.single.time.

It's been quite the journey with his food intolerances/allergies/general craziness, and while it's become normal life by now, there are times it strikes us just how 'different' his life is from a lot of kids'. One of these times was this past weekend at his cousin's birthday party, where Jim took this picture:

Every other child there was happily eating pizza and cupcakes; Graham, however, had pasta, black beans and sweet potatoes. And he too, was eating happily, completely oblivious to what he was 'missing'. This is a kind of common grace, and by no means from anything we as parents have done. It's a blessing that he is so content. It's also humbling. And it makes me wonder...

When he used to say 'this is the bread', I wonder if it wasn't so much a statement of generality, but possibly of acceptance. Learning that this - this bread, this life, this lot - was given to him. And not only that, but he said it when we talked about praying and thanking God for his food. 'This is the bread' was not just a statement (although it was hilarious - I really wish we had it on video) - it was an offering of thanks, thanks for what was given to him. It wasn't just a passive acceptance either. It was conscious and willful. Sometimes I wonder if he had to say it to remind himself that this is what he was given, and what he was given was good for him.

I know, I know. Far too  existential and deep for a 16 month old. Regardless, it's a good lesson for me, for all of us, really. That our lives, our circumstances, hardships, outwardly 'good' things - all of them are our bread. They were given to us for our good. Maybe that's obvious, maybe it's not. But rather than just mundanely accepting 'this is my life for better or for worse', it really spurs me to be consciously thankful and aware that it's all a gift; it's all for my good - the mundane, the exceptional, the horrible, the sad, the happy, the exciting, the terrible, the sad - every moment is given.

This is the bread. Amen.

The Yellow Tree

Autumn in Virginia. There is nothing quite like it. The year I transferred to school here I was hooked. Jim and I started dating in the fall, we got engaged in the fall; I wanted to get married in the fall but we decided 8 months was plenty long for an engagement so August it was. When I got pregnant, I was so excited that our baby was going to be born in the fall. His due date was November 1st, but I was adamant he was going to come early, during October, THE best month of the year.

October came and went and no baby. November 1, 2, 3...all the way through the 6th passed and still no baby. He finally made his grand entrance early in the morning of the 8th. I remember sitting in the hospital room the day we brought him home, exhausted, elated, weepy, excited and scared. I looked out our window and it was a picture perfect Autumn day - blustery, an odd warmth, spats of rain and leaves fluttering everywhere. That gave me a sense of calm, of knowing that my whole world may have just changed, but THE world didn't change.

Fast forward to a week later. We had one ravenous little boy on our hands and breastfeeding was far from a walk in the park. I had the baby blues big time and was in a fog. My mom was here and did a fabulous job of making sure I got outside in the sunshine every day. I'm so glad she did. We have a silver maple in our backyard, and it's always one of the last trees to turn. 2 years ago, it's like it was waiting for Graham; On Graham's one week birthday,  (the 15th of November) our silver maple was in its full glory, brilliantly yellow and breathtaking.

We took a picture in front of that tree, and it's one of my favorites. You can see just how tired we are, and just how small Graham is. But you can also see hope. We had no idea how much harder the few months ahead would be, learning about a baby and severe allergies and reflux, about how a hair dryer running for 3 hours straight may be the only thing to get the screaming to stop, about how sometimes, we may need more help than we can give ourselves. What we also didn't know was the joy, the excitement and the complete and total new way of life that we would experience,;one full of firsts, of seeing the world through new eyes, of learning that fast isn't best and family is everything. Of learning to re-prioritize, to say yes to less so we could say yes to the things that really mattered. And of days full of giggles and smiles (sometimes tantrums and whining), of trains and books and tickle fights.

That yellow tree has waited for Graham's birth week the past two years; this week it's at its peak. I just stand in our dining room staring at it with a smile on my face some days. Knowing that we don't always know what lies ahead, but that our God is good, and He has plans for us we could never have dreamed if we tried. Plans that may include hard things, but plans that will bring so, so much joy.

Happy Birthday week Graham! You are treasured and loved. And now you're waking up, so I have to go. :)

Learning to Live

My last post was exactly one month ago. In my mind, I should have my 'new' routine/life down by now, but umm...yeah. Graham and I were gone for 2 weeks visiting family, so really I've only been 'home' for a couple of weeks. Still, my expectations for myself far exceed my reality (this tends to be a bit of a pattern).

I have a pile of clothes next to me falling out of suitcases still to be unpacked. Our living room, which was nice and tidy when we arrived home (thanks husband!), is now a chaos of toys, random shoes and other odds and ends. I have a list of projects (and a birthday party!) to work on but am not quite sure where to even start. And I chide myself for not having this all together.

Last night, all of this just overwhelmed me. Our weekend went far from planned; we all came down with the crud and missed a party we'd been looking forward to for months. So I think we were all in a bit of a downer mood, and tired to boot. I just couldn't see the point of the dailiness of this, of what I'm really 'accomplishing' in cleaning my kitchen 6 times a day, or reading the same Thomas book over and over and over until I hide it (and forget to return it to the library). And I'll be honest, I don't think it's good for a kid's social awareness to only see mommy all the time, or to always have mommy at their grasp. It's not good for mommy either.

I did a lot of praying and talking to Jim, who reminded me to 'get out of my head'. Being analytical has its benefits, but over-thinking isn't one of them. I don't have to have everyday figured out. It's OK. There is grace. --- these are going to be my repeated mantras for the time being; if you hear me saying them out loud, I'll understand a slight look of pity on your part, no offense taken.

I think (see...here I go again, analyzing.) one of the biggest things I'm learning is to just live. Life is made to have order, yes. Routines are good (the sun does rise and set everyday...God is a God of order), but being too caught up in doing prevents us from just being. I've written a little about this before, and there are blogs upon blogs upon books upon songs upon, well, you get it. I'm not sure when the term 'human race' came about, but I think we've taken it quite literally. I know I am easily caught up in that: if I'm not participating, creating, doing, ordering, cleaning, planning...then I'm not being very useful.

Ironically, it's Thomas the Tank Engine himself who has opened my eyes to this. They are constantly talking about being a 'really useful engine'. Which has it's merits, and it's cute, I get it. But isn't that the pressure we put on ourselves? Being a 'really useful mom' or a 'really useful wife' or a 'really useful worker'? Not to say we shouldn't be doing our very best at everything - we should. But being our very best at everything, or always doing, shouldn't be our focus, our drive, and what motivates us. I think I've been in that mode for so long it's a bit like culture shock to not always be doing something that is always visibly productive.

But I want Graham to understand that love is without conditions - the love that God gives. It's not based on merit, or how 'really useful' I am. I am chosen, period. No reasons, no qualifications. Living in this reality is what truly gives any season of my life meaning. Whether I'm raising children at home, working a hectic job, pursuing education, living on a farm and raising chickens, or any other number of things. If I find my value and worth in what I'm doing in that season of life, I'll always be disappointed and lost when it ends. Learning to live goes far beyond my daily surroundings, down to the very depths of who I am. Only then will I understand the joy that can be found anywhere, at any time.

I visited my old job today. It was great to see people that it feels like I haven't seen in much longer than a month, but it also felt like I was talking to an ex-boyfriend for the first time since we broke up. Slightly awkward, still some mushy feelings there (*wink wink*), but at the same time, realizing it's right. Hard, frustrating and strange at times, but right. While I miss that season of life, I'm wakening up to the fact that this new season - whether long or short - is going to have just as big an impact on my life, in ways that only remain to be seen.

One week in

This motherhood stuff is not for wimps.

I say that like I didn't know. I've been a mom for almost 2 years, and have already had some doozies thrown at us. But seriously. Almost-2-year olds all day long are exhausting. My house is less clean than it was when I was working. I want to go to bed at 8 pm every night. I had a beer for lunch this week. How's that for expectations being thrown out the window?

Thankfully, I have a very loving and understanding husband. While I was lamenting the other night over how much I did not have my act together, he let me know that he doesn't care. He doesn't care if the house is a mess or everything isn't done. He knows this season is short, and wants me to enjoy it. So if I play all day with our son and use nap time to just read or craft or whatever, that's what he wants. I have a keeper, just saying.

Speaking of crafts, let's talk about those for a minute. I am NOT a crafty person. I like decorating. I like making gifts look pretty that are semi-homemade. But let's face it: crafts are not my forte'. However, this week I found myself texting pictures to my husband of random crafts I was making. I'm pretty sure he thought there was another woman in his home. 3 weeks ago, my days were spent managing an office and talking policy. Now I'm chasing a toddler and making crafts. Not any less important - just using a side of my brain that did not get used much before. Talk about a transition! It's a good one, but definitely harder than I expected. In some ways, it's like going back to that whole 'I just had a baby' feeling. I'm having to figure out our days again, what kind of schedule, what is best for Graham, how much we go, how much we stay home.

Today, my gracious husband has the boy all day. I have happy Autumn music playing, it's gray and rainy out, a yummy smelling candle is burning and I think I'm going to read a book. My house is still a mess, but hey, I'm here a lot now, so I think it can wait for a while. We'll get into the swing of things eventually, but in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy today!

Ode to the Working Mom

I've been a SAHM (stay at home mom, for all you hip, cool, non-parents out there) for exactly 2 weekdays now. My last day at work was Thursday, but I usually had Fridays off, and they had a (fabulous and yummy and sad and wonderful) going away party for me on Saturday, so I really didn't consider it 'official' til Monday came around.

It hasn't fully sunk in yet, and I think the 'newness' will stick around for a bit. This week is a busy week, so it may be a little bit before we hit some really mundane days (or maybe not), but I can definitely tell a difference, even in just this little bit of time. And thus, I'd like to say a few words to moms who work outside the home, (or maybe inside the home but are paid from a source outside the home).

I'll preface by saying that the 'Mommy Wars' are just ridiculous, and this isn't something to pitch one 'side' against another. To each their own when it comes to mommyhood, and I can honestly say I wasn't ready to stay at home until now. Work played a huge part in keeping me sane, making me feel like my whole life wasn't crazy, and in helping me hold on to 'me' in the midst of a complete identity crisis (which will come in small or large form when a child enters your world).

That being said, here is my ode to the working mom:

- you balance a schedule like nobody's business. Somehow, you manage to make food, keep your house (relatively) clean, play with your kids, run all the errands you need to, and make time for family, after being gone literally all.day.

- in so doing, if you're anything like me, you constantly feel like you're not doing one (or two, or five) of those things well; like you're only doing everything about 70% max. And that's not the best of feelings, because who wants to half-ass anything? Especially anything relating to the most important people in your life, or a career you are invested in.

- You constantly are making choices between 'have to' and 'want to'. Everyone is, true. But I think the wide expanse between the two is heightened. Example: today, I planned to deep clean my kitchen. But, Graham's transitioning and needed some more mom time, and I wanted to just enjoy this amazingly beautiful fall-like day. So what we did instead included the Riverwalk, a few errands, Chik-Fil-A, reading a book under a tree (me, during nap time)  and playing at the park. My kitchen was a disaster when the day started, and was just that much worse by the time dinner was over. I spent a while cleaning it so as not to attract bugs, (it was really bad, let's be honest) but it was OK. When I was working, had I done that, it would have put me so far behind for the rest of the week I would constantly be playing catch up and would have stayed stressed and tense. But now? I have more freedom to choose, and let me tell you, I understand and deeply value that freedom.

- the problem is, if you don't  choose the 'fun' over the 'required' then you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your kid. Now, I don't feel quite so much of the tug between spending all of my free time with Graham, or being OK letting him play on his own. It's still there, it's just not as large of a battle in my mind.

- you have to be 'on' all the time. You have to get everyone up and out the door (looking presentable, at the very least; professional in many instances), go to work, do your job (which could involve possibly just as much whining as you may have gotten at home), get the kid(s), walk in the door, start dinner, do the evening routine, then worry about house stuff and silly things like bills, etc. Finally, you may get to read a book or watch TV, and fall asleep while doing so. Not working outside the home, I am still completely exhausted by the end of the day, but the bonus is, if it's just one of those days and  I choose to stay in my pajamas and not talk to anyone (other than my child, I should probably talk to him), then most days, I can. I probably shouldn't, but the point is, it's an option.

I'm only 2 days in, so I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be writing a post entitled something like "What Was I Thinking" and document all the perks of working outside the home, and how much I miss those. But for now, working mama, I salute you. You are doing what you need to for your family, or for your sanity, or just because you love it. And your kids seeing that will instill in them a whole world of values that don't need to be spoken.

What I've Learned

One week. I have one week left at my job. One week from today I will be a stay-at-home mom for the first time since Graham was 3 months old.

I know, I know. I seem to be making a huge deal of this. But really? It's a big life change. We've had a routine down for a year and a half, and in a week, that all changes. But more than that, I have been so very blessed. Blessed because I've been able to do something I truly love and believe in since just after college graduation. In the last seven years, I've realized that it's a rare thing to find people who are truly passionate about their jobs and love what they do. I was able to be one of those people, which is why it's so hard to leave. Sure, I'll get to stay home with my son, and I know that there are going to be so many new joys (and not-so-joyous occasions) that come along with that. But I think it's good to acknowledge endings, own your feelings, and 'grieve' in a way, when things end.

So, that's what I'm doing tonight. And I'm doing it by recounting some of the lessons I've learned along the way. I started as a job coach for our Deaf and hard of hearing clients, and ended directing our supported employment programs and serving on a state committee. Seven years is a long time, and I've learned a lot. Some things came easily, some came the hard way (almost everything with management). Here they are, in no particular order:

• patience, patience, patience!
• learning styles are so much more than just auditory, visual, and kinesthetic, and if you can pinpoint a learning style, you have the potential to have a great employee
• managing people is hard, and messy
• being a boss and also being perceived as 'nice' don't always go hand in hand, even when you want them to
• being a boss while being gracious and just should always go hand in hand, and will gain one more respect than 'niceness' ever could
• government programs and political affiliations aren't always so black and white - especially when you see the good and the bad directly affecting people
• there is still a lot of stigma about people with disabilities, even in the community that exists to serve this population
• sheltered workshops (as a whole), in their current model, are not in the best interests of the people 'working' there
• work may look like many different things, but the value placed on it should be the same
• every small act you do may have a huge impact on others' lives
• I really like policy making and being part of decisions on a larger scale
• I enjoy learning, and enjoy teaching those who want to learn
• you work best when you love what you do, and believe in it
• character matters. If you can do a job with your eyes closed but have no character, I'd prefer you work elsewhere
• people matter. Every person. Age, race, ethnicity, ability, sexual orientation. Maybe we disagree, maybe you make me uncomfortable. But you.matter. and I can learn a lot from you
• there is value in work; in accomplishing something and in contributing
• to paraphrase Proverbs: never made a decision without an abundance of wise counsel
• actually, reading Proverbs daily is the best way to manage people
• be pleasant even when it's hard - it's contagious
• people are people. Big-time CEOs, the person cleaning the toilets. Be kind and be a professional with everyone, and don't be afraid to talk to people. You may make some surprising friends
• always stand up for what is right. Do it respectfully, but don't give in
• be willing to admit when you are wrong, and learn from your mistakes - that's when growth happens
• know your limits. and be willing to ask for help
• helping someone may mean saying 'no' or 'I can't do that'
• never assume what someone is or isn't capable of - they may surprise you!
• humble confidence can get you through doors you never thought would open
• having a good team can make or break a business

I could go on and on and on. But I'll leave you with this, as I think it's one of the most important lessons I've learned:

• this world is imperfect, but God allows common graces every day for us to see glimpses of His beauty. Oftentimes, it's in the faces of those society deems as 'less than'  or not 'normal'. Be aware of this, and look for His handiwork in everyone - better yet, pray for the grace to be an example of this grace to everyone.

Meet Paul

When I was 5, there was a man at my church named Paul. There was something about Paul that I immediately noticed was different. The way he talked to people, how he helped the older ladies up and down the stairs, greeted all of the kids with a smile and a handshake or a high five, (and some of the ladies with a kiss on the hand). He was just...joyful - in the literal sense of the word: full of joy. And in my wise 5 year old brain (which I think can sometimes be much more wise than adults) I knew that Paul was the type of person I wanted to be around.

Paul also happened to have Down Syndrome. He couldn't talk very easily, had a significant stutter, and wasn't able to live on his own. I saw him struggle to say his name, and get frustrated when people were too impatient to stand and listen to him try to talk. Time and again people would finish his sentences for him, guessing at what he had to say, but never really listening.

It was then that I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help people like Paul. Not because he needed my pity, or to feel some sense of validation, or because he 'needed help.' No, in reality, I guess I wanted to help everyone else through helping people like Paul. I wanted to help everyone else see what I could see at the time: a man who, in spite of whatever was his destined lot in life, for better or for worse, chose joy. I wanted to help people see just how valuable Paul truly was, and how much he could teach others. I wanted to show people just how backward they had it, and just how right Paul had it.

And that's why I do what I do, and why I am going to miss it so very much. I know I'll come back to it eventually, in some way shape or form, as that is definitely the call God has placed on my life. But for now, I'll miss it. I'll miss the day in and day out, the annoying things and the frustrations, the little victories and the milestones. But I can't wait to teach Graham all I've learned through those I've worked with over the years - they have truly been my teachers, and I couldn't be more grateful.

This is Paul. He passed away 3 years ago, at the age of 69.