Graham's birth was, in a word, traumatic. It's funny because most people who hear his story - or even that were actually there - comment on how 'good' of a birth it was. And I suppose in the sense that there were no complications, it was relatively fast and unmedicated, then yes, it was. But neither Jim nor I had a clue what was happening, and if you haven't experienced it firsthand let me just tell you - labor is excruciating. Like 'my body is tearing in two and it will never, in any way, be put back together' kind of pain. When that's going on and you're standing in your shower at your house with no doctor or midwife in sight, it's a little terrifying. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until I was getting ready to do it again, and fear really overtook me.
Sometime in October, I approached our dear friend Lauren about acting as my coach for our birth. It was a little strange on multiple accounts: 1) Lauren was someone we knew and were friends with, but weren't close (strange how helping birth someone's child can change that!) 2) we weren't planning on having a doula 3) it was getting a little late in the game to find someone, especially being due on Christmas Day, and 4) while she LOVES birth and has assisted at many, she's not technically a doula. (technicalities be damned!) But I just felt this strange urge to ask her, so I did. Randomly, one day after preschool pickup. After praying over it and working out the details of the holidays, she agreed, for which I am forever grateful! During one of our pre-birth sessions, she had me write out my top 10 'wishes' for this birth. Here is what I wrote:
1) Calm/not fearful
2) Informed/aware (we felt a lot of things last time were rushed)
3) Mostly at home
4) Supportive Staff
5) Able to endure pain
6) Confidence in medication decision if chosen
7) Control
8) Mom/baby time immediately
9) Relaxed about feeding
10) Good memories of experience
You'll note number 6 - I was VERY open to having an epidural this time. And by that I mean I was secretly really hoping we got to the hospital in plenty of time to get one. But we looked at this list and decided that overall, I wanted to be 'Present'. That was my goal for this go-around. No matter if we were at home, at the hospital, drugged up or au-naturale, I wanted to feel present and not chaotic. I was comfortable with this, but as the time drew closer, I became more and more fearful.
Side note: it's ironic to me how last time I prepped and prepped for birth and kind of failed to prep for life after baby. This time, I felt much more prepared for life once he was here, and far less prepared for the actual birthing process. I think I knew that ultimately, he would get here one way or another, and the after part - you know, the actual life part - was far more important for me to be ready for. Back to the story...
Graham's preschool Christmas program was December 17th. I remember hoping I would be going into labor as soon as he finished but ha! Not so much. Instead I was 39 weeks pregnant trying not to get knocked over by all of the sugar-filled children at 'Jesus' Birthday Party' afterward. Graham was roaming somewhere with Jim when I sat down at a table next to this sweet older woman, who introduced herself as Julia. I have since gotten to know Julia a little better, and let me tell you - that woman is in touch with God and sensitive to His leading like few people I have ever met. It's amazing to behold. That day, however, I just knew her as a grandma to a preschooler, who randomly asked if she could pray for me. I may have grown up a PK (pastor's kid for all you non-Baptist cool kids out there), but I was not used to someone I just met not only praying for me, but also doing so in a room crowded with people eating cake. Knowing, however, that I could use a little prayer, I said sure. And then she prayed basically this: "please allow this woman's labor to be as pain free as possible, to go quickly, for her to feel in control, to labor at home but make it to the hospital with enough time to deliver, and to have no complications." WHO ARE YOU? I could not get that moment out of my head.
For the next week as Christmas neared, I kept thinking about Julia's prayer, and started praying along the same lines. I realized that my faith when I prayed was more a 'oh I hope this happens' while hers was a faith like I hadn't seen before. And I started feeling a little like maybe it would be OK. Then Christmas came and went, and I still didn't have a baby, and the fear crept back in. I had contractions daily for at least 2 hours, and then they would stop. I was so frustrated...finally on Dec. 29th I had a mini breakdown (read: pregnancy. Hormones. overdue. HORMONES. Not pretty.) and laid it all out. F*** the birth process, and planning and whatever. I wanted to go in, have someone strap me up to an IV, and wait for them to tell me to push. Jim, quite lovingly, pointed out that I was running away, and that doing so would just be living in fear. And we do NOT live in fear. We're not made to. And Julia's prayer, and verses I'd been ruminating on and all the emotions tied up in this came to a head, and I realized, He's right. This is hard, and it will be painful, but God is good and Do I Trust Him? Lo and behold, the next day, we had a baby. In 6 hours, only 1 of which was at the hospital. Med-free. Totally present. Surreal.
This may seem like 'Whoa. Deep stuff for just having a baby. People do it every day Alisha.' And that's true. But this was just the beginning of what God has been leading us through these past few months, and I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt, I HAD to work through it before the birth, to understand some of these things then, to be able to work through more afterward. This Lenten season in my life has been one for the books, and I'm trying to put it all together in a way that I can actually convey in writing.
But, until then...I'll write the nitty gritty details of the birth next, for those of you who enjoy hearing about blood and poop and vaginas and such. It shall be titled 'The Day I Pooped on my Husband'.
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