So here I am, halfway through the Lenten season and haven't posted one blog post yet. So much for my theory that I'd be posting more often...
When I referred to this "season of dust", I had no idea. No idea what I would be going through, how truly difficult this period would be. I think it's significant that I'm at the halfway point; I feel as though when you're halfway is when you kind of hit the turning point...when you're on a road trip and it feels as though you've been driving forever, you hit that halfway mark and bam! new energy, new motivation...you know that from here on out the trip only gets shorter and you get closer and closer to your end goal.
OK, why the cryptic messages? Maybe because it's weird to say. Scary to say. Makes it a reality if you say it. Postpartum depression. Two words I think every new mom fears, but at the same time feels is a very distant possibility. Unless it's not. Unless it's very near, very real, and very much a part of you right now. Me - the one who always has it altogether, the one who makes things happen, gets things done, sucks it up, deals with it and moves on and is better for it. Except this, this new role, journey, whatever you call it...motherhood. For some reason, it's kicking my butt and I can't seem to get over that "new mommy slump".
There are so many things that are contributing to this, starting from day one in the hospital, I think. First, G had to be suctioned and I didn't even get to hold him for almost an hour, then he wasn't really breastfeeding well, and rather than be supportive, most of the nurses told me I was causing his blood sugar to be low and he would need formula asap. (I HEARD: I am being a bad mom. I am causing my baby harm.) Couple that with the sleep deprivation and adjustment of the first few weeks, and thus started the spiral.
We started getting used to things (kind of); the new life, the new semi-routines, figuring out how to do things like laundry and dinner again...then the three weeks from hell started. Incessant screaming, baby in pain, not knowing what to do. Finally we figured out his allergies and then started the elimination diet. It's not horrible, but constantly having to scrutinize what you're eating, or apologize to others for not being able to eat certain things when they offer to cook...it's wearing. And then every time G would have a really bad day, my first thought was "What did I eat?!" (READ: I just caused my baby more pain. Bad mom award, again).
Then we figured out he really did have GERD on top of the food allergies, and had to start him on medication. Not long after that, he started having more trouble nursing...screaming in pain and not wanting to eat, fussing and spitting up ALL.DAY.LONG. In the midst of all of this my maternity leave ended and after just getting kind of used to baby life, I had to readjust everything again. Then the growth spurt hit and the reflux was worse, he wasn't sleeping, I was a wreck.
Then my milk supply started to get low and we had to try supplementing, but he could only have very specific (expensive) formulas, and he hated it at first...as in wouldn't eat it. So I'm nervous about starving my child, and feeling bad about having to use formula at all, and causing him more pain and worse reflux...and at that point, I wanted to just say "F*** it!" (OK, I actually did say that, if we're being totally honest here) Then we found a formula that worked and said, OK, this is it. We're just going to switch! So then I'm stopping breastfeeding and my hormones are all screwed up again, and he's doing SO MUCH BETTER on the formula, but everything in me (and so many people around me) are screaming "But breastmilk is best! What are you doing? How is it possible this is better for him??" And the mind struggles wage on...
I realized it was time to seek help when my days at home just seemed to be so overwhelming I didn't know where to start. What do I do with a baby all day? Especially if he's having a bad reflux day and needs constant attention? How do I do this? I would just start crying all day and couldn't stop...there seem to be 500 things that need done and I can't figure out where to start, so I just don't do any of them and then feel even worse for it, and get mad at my son because he's so needy and demanding and I feel so overwhelmed. And I feel like I'm back at square one where we just had a newborn and everything is new and I don't know what the hell I'm doing and wondering why in the world people trust me with this kid.
So back to that halfway point...I'm there. I started seeing a counselor and while it's hard and weird and embarrassing and I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own, or just pray through it, or just talk myself out of it and suck it up, or just whatever...I can't. And I need help. And that's OK. And now that we're at the halfway point, it means we're just getting closer and closer to the end goal. And that's a good, good thing.
