I'm sitting here trying to write, but I just can't focus. Story of my life. Lately, at least. I feel spread thin, doing everything all at once, but nothing at the same time. I struggle to take ownership of my days. I let circumstances or distractions run my day and dictate my time. I have a hard time sitting and doing one thing through to completion. Anyone with me?
I've fallen prey to the 'constantly must be entertained/busy/productive' culture that I loathe so much. I envy my husband, because, while it at times frustrates me how one-track minded his male brain can be (love you honey!), it works to his advantage when doing a task. Example: clean the kitchen? OK. Done. That is all he is doing until it is done. Not stopping to throw in a load of laundry because he noticed the kitchen towel was dirty, or change the music because he doesn't like this song, or write down a reminder for something, or add to the grocery list, or water that plant sitting there. Nope. Just clean.the.kitchen. I could learn from this.
I think my problem partly stems from well-versed practice in the art of toddler-dom: what should take 5 minutes takes 25, with lots of interruptions. Somehow, I've let that become a life pattern and I'm really annoying myself with it, to be honest. I'll start this, then do this, then This, then oh! I forgot this. Then I'll take a quick break, read a blog...oh crap. What was I doing? I'm like a manic squirrel, seriously.
Honestly, I think it's a symptom of a deeper heart issue, one that is often thrown around but is harder to actually deal with when confronted with it - discontent. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my son is the most amazing little person alive (I'm not biased at all), I have a great job, a warm home. It's not 'big life change' kind of discontent. It's the small, the daily, the sometimes mundane. But in reality, I think that is 'big life change' material. We're studying a book by Paul Tripp in our small group, called "What Did You Expect??"; the book is in relation to marriage (and very good - I'd recommend it thus far) but has a lot of relation to life in general. One of the things he talks about is how a marriage is a day to day thing, that the big things are a result of, and built on, the little things. The mundane things. The things we don't put a lot of thought into and do on autopilot, rather than with intentionality.
I can see this so practically in my own life. Like I'm almost scared to only do the laundry, because I should be doing x, y AND z as well. I am afraid of - yet at the same time crave - simplicity. Like if I actually admit to myself that I enjoy domestic things, and don't want to be hurried, then something is terribly wrong. I feel lazy, I feel 'less than'. So, I make myself crazy trying to do it all, to not miss out on anything, any experience. But by doing so I end my day feeling as thought I've done a lot, but not done a lot well, and that's not a great feeling. Then I think it's because I'm missing something: I'm not organized enough or disciplined enough, so I keep trying, and keep coming up with the same fruitless feeling. That feeling makes it hard to then want to put the effort in at all, because I never seem to see the result of doing something well.
So, I'm learning. I'm learning that a day of household chores and playing and even resting and refreshing myself, can actually be more gratifying than a day filled with rushing and appointments and the appearance of 'importance', which we sadly have interchanged with the word 'busy'. Important things aren't busy - they take time. time to plan, time to do well. And the thing about importance is that not.everything.can.be.important. So I have to decide what is, and if only that is done, I can rest knowing that it's done well.
Ann Voskamp talks about 'weighing down the moments', and it's so true. Time goes more slowly when I'm focused. When I try to cram in 100 things, all of a sudden my day is done, I'm dizzy and don't know where the time went. I live life by the clock rather than by the moment. This is necessary at times, yes, but when it's not, I don't want that to be my driving force. I also have to guard myself from those feelings of 'not doing enough', if I see others seemingly accomplish the world, while I'm thankful to have put on some makeup. God has called me to a season of slowing down, of focusing, and of resting in Him - of not doing so much, and just being. That is, after all, what we are: beings.
It's a long lesson to learn for this 'do it all' woman, but a much needed one.
