My last post was exactly one month ago. In my mind, I should have my 'new' routine/life down by now, but umm...yeah. Graham and I were gone for 2 weeks visiting family, so really I've only been 'home' for a couple of weeks. Still, my expectations for myself far exceed my reality (this tends to be a bit of a pattern).
I have a pile of clothes next to me falling out of suitcases still to be unpacked. Our living room, which was nice and tidy when we arrived home (thanks husband!), is now a chaos of toys, random shoes and other odds and ends. I have a list of projects (and a birthday party!) to work on but am not quite sure where to even start. And I chide myself for not having this all together.
Last night, all of this just overwhelmed me. Our weekend went far from planned; we all came down with the crud and missed a party we'd been looking forward to for months. So I think we were all in a bit of a downer mood, and tired to boot. I just couldn't see the point of the dailiness of this, of what I'm really 'accomplishing' in cleaning my kitchen 6 times a day, or reading the same Thomas book over and over and over until I hide it (and forget to return it to the library). And I'll be honest, I don't think it's good for a kid's social awareness to only see mommy all the time, or to always have mommy at their grasp. It's not good for mommy either.
I did a lot of praying and talking to Jim, who reminded me to 'get out of my head'. Being analytical has its benefits, but over-thinking isn't one of them. I don't have to have everyday figured out. It's OK. There is grace. --- these are going to be my repeated mantras for the time being; if you hear me saying them out loud, I'll understand a slight look of pity on your part, no offense taken.
I think (see...here I go again, analyzing.) one of the biggest things I'm learning is to just live. Life is made to have order, yes. Routines are good (the sun does rise and set everyday...God is a God of order), but being too caught up in doing prevents us from just being. I've written a little about this before, and there are blogs upon blogs upon books upon songs upon, well, you get it. I'm not sure when the term 'human race' came about, but I think we've taken it quite literally. I know I am easily caught up in that: if I'm not participating, creating, doing, ordering, cleaning, planning...then I'm not being very useful.
Ironically, it's Thomas the Tank Engine himself who has opened my eyes to this. They are constantly talking about being a 'really useful engine'. Which has it's merits, and it's cute, I get it. But isn't that the pressure we put on ourselves? Being a 'really useful mom' or a 'really useful wife' or a 'really useful worker'? Not to say we shouldn't be doing our very best at everything - we should. But being our very best at everything, or always doing, shouldn't be our focus, our drive, and what motivates us. I think I've been in that mode for so long it's a bit like culture shock to not always be doing something that is always visibly productive.
But I want Graham to understand that love is without conditions - the love that God gives. It's not based on merit, or how 'really useful' I am. I am chosen, period. No reasons, no qualifications. Living in this reality is what truly gives any season of my life meaning. Whether I'm raising children at home, working a hectic job, pursuing education, living on a farm and raising chickens, or any other number of things. If I find my value and worth in what I'm doing in that season of life, I'll always be disappointed and lost when it ends. Learning to live goes far beyond my daily surroundings, down to the very depths of who I am. Only then will I understand the joy that can be found anywhere, at any time.
I visited my old job today. It was great to see people that it feels like I haven't seen in much longer than a month, but it also felt like I was talking to an ex-boyfriend for the first time since we broke up. Slightly awkward, still some mushy feelings there (*wink wink*), but at the same time, realizing it's right. Hard, frustrating and strange at times, but right. While I miss that season of life, I'm wakening up to the fact that this new season - whether long or short - is going to have just as big an impact on my life, in ways that only remain to be seen.
