If you're a mom, then you are probably no stranger to the world of mommy blogs (which, let's face it - this is mostly that), mommy Instagram accounts, HuffPost articles that circulate Facebook, funny - and quite accurate - memes about your kids driving you to drink, etc. etc. You're also probably no stranger to the push for 'realness', for authenticity, for showing life as it truly is. I love that trend. But for as popular as it is, I can't tell you the number of time I have had people make the comment to me - be it in regards to this blog, something I shared on Instagram, or even just in conversation - 'I love how real you are'; they say it like it's something they don't see that often. It seems like there is a disconnect somewhere, which has had me thinking...
How real are we in real life? Not just in the pictures posted online or the blog post that went viral, but one on one, when we see each other on the street or at the playground, in the office or the gym? The more I've started paying attention, the more I've noticed: we're not. This was glaringly apparent to me the other day, as I sat talking with some first-time moms of little ones. When I first talked to some, it was the usual 'Hi! I'm so and so' with smiles and coos at the babies. But as we all actually talked about what was going on in our lives, I realized we all had that same new-baby glassy stare, the questions and confusion, the sheer exhaustion and the overwhelmed feelings that everyone else had. And thankfully, we were in a safe space to share those feelings. But what if we weren't? Or what if we were unaware such a place existed? Would we just go through our days with the smiles and the coos on the outside, but not let people know what was really going on? I think that happens far too often - and not just in motherhood, but in life.
Life is hard, people. It's also amazing, and wonderful and full of joy, but is sometimes just.plain.hard. And hard looks so different for everyone. What I may struggle with may be completely different than what you're going through, but at its core, it's the same. Or what I'm celebrating and what you're celebrating may be on opposite ends of the spectrum, but we're still celebrating. So why is that when we see each other the conversation goes something like this: 'Hey! How are you?' 'Oh, you know fine. How bout you?' 'Good, pretty good.' 'Good!' ...and that's where we leave it?
I get that we need some people - very close people - who we can share the deepest of the deep with, and that doesn't need to be shared with the general public. But in our fast-paced, busy lives, and especially if you're in the season of motherhood, we need community (reference my last post for that one). But we can't grow in community unless we're willing to really go there. To get real. And by community, I don't mean 'fellowship', as one may or may not have experienced if you grew up in a church background like me. Fellowship could be defined as: hanging out, a get together, sharing prayer requests about our random family member who lives 5 states away. Community could be defined as: we've all got some shit, so let's share it and walk through that together. Joys, trials, triumphs, failures. The whole bit.
So if I'm in a funk and having a bad day, then when you ask me how I'm doing, my answer may be more along the lines of 'Awful, actually.' or maybe I'll just look at you and start crying. Or if you have my sense of humor I'll text you something sarcastic so we can commiserate together. Likewise, if my day is great, I'm not going to say I'm just 'OK'. I'm going to tell you I'm GREAT! and tell you how God just provided something unexpectedly, or why my three year old is the most hilarious human alive. And if you ask for a prayer request, be prepared for things like 'I'm angry with God because we're dealing with this again' (that was a very real one up until last week or so). Because if we're all being honest, very rarely are we just 'fine' or 'good'. We're humans; we have too many emotions for that.
I've been trying to put this into practice, and I think that's maybe what surprises people. Because most of the blogs we read or Instagram feeds we see aren't people we actually know. They can be real and we can feel 'real' with them, but it's rare (while wonderful!) when we can actually connect with them. It's far more awkward when it's someone you are conversing with. Lately, when people ask how I am, my initial answer has been: 'It depends on the day. Sometimes good, sometimes awful.' or when talking about getting out of the house with little ones: 'I know. I was on the phone with my husband on the way here bawling about how hard this all is.' and when talking with a friend who is also going through a tough season: 'I just want to yell how I f***ing hate this!' It may not be pretty and have a hashtag and filter applied to it, but it's raw and it's real. And dare I say, refreshing?
So, let's get real. You with me, me with you. If you ask me how I'm doing, I promise an honest answer, and I'm hoping you'll do the same. That way we can walk this road of life not just together, but truly with each other.
