Lent

Growing up, we didn't really observe Lent. To be honest, I always thought it was something you did only if you went to a Catholic church. I also knew Mardi Gras had something to do with it as well and was just overall confused and thought it didn't apply to me.

Now, understanding more of the Christian calendar, I am learning to truly value the various seasons that come with that. Jim and I started observing Advent a couple of years ago, and it has added a whole new meaning to the Christmas season. I have always enjoyed the time leading up to Christmas; the lights, the calm, the wrapping of presents and watching of Christmas movies, the food (yum!), etc. But now, when Thanksgiving is over, I don't feel like there's a strange gap in between the 2 holidays...it's like one continual time of celebration and reflection. We move from being grateful into the season of anticipation, of reading of God's plan that has been from before the beginning of time, of waiting for that final point of celebrating the birth of the God-Man. Following this is the season of Epiphany (which we're just learning more about), celebrating the introduction of Christ as that God-Man.

So now, Lent is upon us and somehow, it managed to sneak up on me again this year. I don't know why; it happens at the same time every year - 40 days before Easter, yet still, I managed to realize only the day beforehand that it was again that season. I've wanted to observe the season for the last couple of years, but always realize it too late and then feel like I missed the boat somehow. This year, even though I am again a few days late, I really do want to take the time to observe the season. I think it's an important reminder of the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf, but more than that, it is a reminder that this life is not about me. My daily struggles, my issues with identity in being a mom, the tiredness I'm facing daily that makes me want to hide under the covers and not come out...they're all a result of a focus on me, and not upward, not on Christ. I think that tangibly observing the season of Lent, feeling the sting, so to speak, of missing something that I am used to, may be a good way to refocus myself and remember that my life - my work, my home, my identity, my worth and value, my mommyhood - all of it is not about me, but about using these parts of my life to point to God and His grace.

So...what to give up? Alcohol?-I could, except I am drinking it to help with milk production and don't think that would be the wisest choice since I kind of need to make milk. TV? I have considered that...it is such an easy thing to get sucked into, especially during this season of American Idol...:) but at the same time, I think it's a way Jim and I sometimes can relax yet connect at the same time, especially when we like a show and can watch together. (plus I really want to watch Downton Abbey and am trying to get him into that...if I wait 40 days, I think it will be a lost cause!)

Facebook? Ouch. Sadly, I think that's what it's going to be. Maybe that sounds petty and stupid...maybe it is. But what I do know is I keep coming back to that. Literally, since I check it about 20x/day. On my phone, on the computer...anytime I have a quick second, I feel like it's the easiest go-to distraction. But that's just it - it's a distraction. Why do I need to be distracted so often? I keep rationalizing with myself though, as it can be used for good things; keeping up with old friends, posting pictures of G so that family can see him, encouragement from others' shared experiences.

But also, (and more often) it is used to fuel things in me that aren't so lovely: jealousy in seeing other people's lives and what's going 'so much better' in their life; Facebook stalking (I admit it, I do it.) that causes me to possibly judge what others are doing in a way I have no business judging them; comparison with other moms-their baby is so much easier, they do more things, they travel, they get more sleep, they look amazing. I think that last one is the worst; I can be having a decent day - even a good day - and then I read how someone's baby did so amazing last night or I see them taking a trip to the beach with their 4 month old, or any other thing that just seems to be better than what I'm doing that day, and all of a sudden I feel like a failure as a mom. These thoughts aren't edifying, and they're not beneficial to me being a good parent to G. I think I need to give myself a break from being able to compare so often, and just focus on us - what our life is like, how we do things as a family, what works for us. I say that so often to friends; "There's no right or wrong way to do it, just figure out what works for you!" but I have such a difficult time listening to my own advice.

So...I'm posting this. Then I'm putting up a link on Facebook, and starting tomorrow (because I like the idea of starting a new week fresh), I am going to be AWOL from Facebook until Easter. If you want to talk to me, there are things like email (alisha.meador@gmail.com), or phone (not posting that on here), or the novel idea of just hanging out. :) I can send pictures via email, and I can still blog. In fact, I have a hypothesis that I'll actually blog more without the Facebook as a distraction. We'll see if that holds true...and I'm excited to see what else I learn through this time, this season of dust.

This probably means I'm going to check Facebook about 200x today as I'll go through a slight period of mourning, but hey, grief comes in all forms. So, to everyone who has a birthday coming up: Happy Birthday! Hope your day is awesome. To everyone posting pictures of your kids: they are adorable. Seriously, how do you live with the cuteness? To all my friends that I'll hang out with: pretend I just tagged you in my status, so you know how important you are to me, and how cool I think you are.

Here goes nothing!

Baby Steps

I realized I haven't blogged much lately and wanted to remedy that. But...I really couldn't think of anything specific to blog about. My mind's been a bit full the past couple weeks trying to get used to being back at work and getting re-used to being at home on the days I don't work, and then there was the whole thing with G spitting up blood, an almost trip to the ER, tests at the doctor's office...you know, the usual. Thankfully he seems to be doing better (mini version: seems he may have GERD and it was irritating his esophagus so much that it was causing small tears and bleeding. We're working to get it under control now).

Pause: baby is waking from a nap. We'll continue in a bit...

And....we're ack. Typing with one hand while nursing. Thus why I just wrote "ack". We're actually back; we may be ack too, I'm just not entirely sure what that is. Since I still don't have anything specific to write about, we'll just do a lovely list of randomness. I have no idea where this is going to go.

-I've noticed that my hardwood floor doesn't get cleaned nearly as much as it should. How do I know this, you may ask? By the lovely little white spots I find at random intervals throughout our house. While I would love to claim that I was feeling festive and just wanted to create the illusion of a snow shower in this very mild winter, it's actually milk. Breast milk to be exact. So don't judge me if you come over - and try not to be grossed out. In fact, just grab a baby wipe and clean it up for me if you would; you won't have to look at it anymore and my floor will be a bit more clean. It's a win-win for us both.

-What one considers a "good night's sleep" now is quite comical. G woke up the other night around 11:30 (which was a bit annoying as I went to bed at 10:30 - par-tay animal that I am), then didn't wake up again till close to 4 am. As I put him back in bed I prayed (literally, I was praying) "Lord, please please please just let him sleep til after 7. If I can sleep til 7 I will be thrilled." Lo and behold, the alarm goes off and he's still sound asleep. So I laid in bed until 7:20. *shock*awe*gasp* Jim told me as he left "Make sure you get some rest today!" My response? "Why? I had a GREAT night's sleep!" 

-This has been the strangest winter I think I have ever experienced. We might get snow tonight, and if we do, it will be the first actual accumulation all winter long. Honestly, I am so thankful; I thrive on being outdoors and have been able to get out with G a lot since he was born. When I was younger, I wondered if I had SAD, because I swear I need more vitamin D than the average human. Or maybe I just wanted one of these, because they're kind of awesome. Either way, I think this weather is God's way of making sure I didn't sink into a seriously deep postpartum depression (because I am quite sure the warm weather is just for that reason. Why wouldn't it revolve around me?)

Pause: baby is yet again waking from a nap.

-I have a random urge to run. Maybe it's from being home so much more than I used to be, or because I feel like my back is always sore from lifting/carrying/nursing a 13 lb. infant and the use of other muscles would feel good...I really don't know. But I do know I keep wanting to run. I actually did it the other night; only about a mile, but still...it's a start. Who knows, maybe I'll try it again one of these days. Or, more probable: I will sit on my sofa eating dairy/soy free chocolate chips and drinking a beer (it helps with milk production. and...it tastes good.) while watching shows like American Idol, The Voice and Smash, as I did this evening. At least I have yoga pants on.

-Speaking of singing...I sing random songs about poop. And bedtime, and spit up, and going to the doctor and Lord only knows what else. Basically anything that happens during the day, I quite possibly will turn into a song to entertain G. Not only is this sad because words like "You've got the poops like G does" should never be uttered to the tune of "Moves Like Jagger", but also because my singing voice is awful and will probably do more harm than good. I can just see G waking up with nightmares later in life of some crazy lady singing horrible songs to him as a form of torture. However, if that does happen, I will kindly remind him of the sleep deprivation he put me through, and blame the bad voice on the fact that my eardrums were damaged from his screaming. Then we'll call it even. That's a healthy parent-child relationship if I ever saw one.

-I am pretending this is one long fluid blog post, but in actuality, it's taken me about a week to write this. I had most of it done and then life happened and I never came back to it. I'm glad I don't do this for a living, because I'd  be broke. Except, I would kind of enjoy doing this for a living, so maybe I should work on my commitment level. It's not like I have anything else to do, right? But, because it has taken me so long to finish, you are the lucky winner of getting to read the next little paragraph below. I know, I know. You don't have to thank me.

-Pumping.is.awkward. Especially when you have to travel out of town for work, as I did last week. Watch this video; the last clip? That was me in the bathroom of the regional Workforce Center. C-l-a-s-s-y. But not so nearly as classy as having to pump in the parking lot of large employer partner that we work with. I was sitting out in the middle of nowhere, at the back of the parking lot, with my nursing cover on, the pump doing its thing while I perused Facebook on my phone, cows in the pasture next door...then I ever so discreetly put my milk in a cooler and walked in to a business meeting with one of their senior managers. All in a day's work.

-I'm out of things to write at the moment. Partly because I'm 'distracted' by Facebook (according to Jim, that is. In reality, I'm just taking a little break, as any time on Facebook is really just that. Silly boys, don't they know that? ) But mainly because it's after 10 pm and this equates to what would have been me staying out all night pre-baby. So, I bid you adieu. Let's hope I make it back here again before the end of February. Baby steps people, baby steps.