This Time

Getting pregnant does not come easily for me, for whatever reason. It took over a year with our first, and right at a year with this pregnancy. After that amount of time and an early miscarriage, we decided I should go to the doctor to make sure things were all looking 'normal'. And that's where I found out I was pregnant again. Just sitting in the midwife's office, waiting to discuss things with her; she came in, and said 'So, we ran the urine test, and it was positive!' It took me a minute to fully digest what that meant. It was so surreal - usually those kinds of things only happen in the movies, not real life. But there I was, being told that I was, most definitely, pregnant!

This time has been different from the start. It's almost as though my body needed permission to hear those words from the midwife to allow itself to acknowledge the changes taking place. And boy, did it ever. Exhaustion, nausea, aches and pains...I was a walking pregnancy textbook. I loved being pregnant the first time; this time, while just as excited, I was not, shall we say, enjoying it as much.

This time I don't feel every kick and move. It may have something to do with chasing a very energetic boy all over, I don't know. Some days I get to the end of the day and realize I haven't felt the baby move at all, so I sit very still just to be sure. And I always feel something, eventually. Last time, our son was constantly moving and kicking me hard. This time, there are little rolls here and pushes there, and the occasional light kick. I'm taking this as a sign we have a relaxed baby (or at least praying it to be true!!)

This time I'm nervous about labor in different ways, now that I've been through it once. Last time, I didn't know what to expect, which was both good and terribly frightening. This time, I know it hurts. A lot. I also know I can do it. (And I may cave and get an epidural. And that's OK.) Although if it was quick and painless I wouldn't object in the least.

This time, I'm aware of what a new baby will mean. Last time, I was utterly clueless, even though I'd read and studied what seemed like everything possible. (ha!) It will mean staying home for a while, staying in pajamas a lot, sleeping very little, and somehow still managing to function. This time I know that that stage will also pass quickly, and we'll settle into a new routine in time.

This time we will have a 3 year old and a new baby. I, again, am completely clueless in that area, so we'll have to learn a lot of things together.

This time, I understand the difference between the baby blues and postpartum depression. Last time, I didn't know what was wrong, except things just weren't right. This time I'm preparing ahead of time, knowing that postpartum has an increased likelihood after having had it once. I'm aware of my body, my hormones, and what I need to be able to be healthy and whole, and am not hesitant anymore to ask for help if I need it.

This time, I know things may not go as planned. Last time, I expected a birth plan to be followed, never to use pacifiers, to exclusively breastfeed, make all of our baby food and be a 'little TV' mom. This time, I learned births happen how they're going to happen, pacifiers are a brilliant invention, sometimes breastfeeding isn't possible, when you're in Target with a fussy baby grabbing that squeeze pouch and ripping it open is OK, and TV is a God-send - for both of you.

This time, I know what signs to look for in food allergies. Last time, when my baby was crying constantly and spitting up everything including blood, all sorts of things ran through my head. But we learned. We grew. This time, I'm not stressing about it. We'll feed how we have to - breast, bottle, pump, whatever is going to work for mama AND baby. And this time, there will be no guilt.

This time, I know myself more. Last time, I went from a hectic busy job and social calendar to being home with a baby and not knowing how to even fit in a shower anymore, in less than a week's time.  This time, I know a new baby is overwhelming, so this time, I'm giving myself grace. Grace to not 'go', grace to not shower, grace to take things one day at a time.

This time, we are so, so blessed to be given charge over another life. Last time, we were so, so blessed to be given charge over another life. I'm reminded of that every day. Or night. When he doesn't sleep. Or in the bathroom when I need to pee. Or when I step on a toy car. Or find poop on his book. Or get the best kisses and snuggles in the whole world. Or read the same book for the 8th time in a row. Or wear my hair in a ponytail for day 33. Always, always reminded what a privilege this is.