Identity Crisis

"It's okay to define the kind of mom you are as you go along. And it might look different than everyone else's definition."

-Thank you Kelle Hampton. I have been trying to figure out how to even start my first post for this blog, and I think that phrase just about sums up everything I've been pondering and learning these past 7 weeks. 7 weeks. I can't believe it. In some ways it's hard to remember life before G came along, but in other ways I can not fathom that it's been almost 2 months already since we had him.

Mom. I'm a mom. 'Mom' is what I call the lovely lady who gave birth to me, not a way to describe me. It hasn't totally sunk in yet. You would think by now it would, I mean, 2 months of doing anything and you're usually pretty used to it right? Not this, at least not for me. We were out at Givens' bookstore the other day and I kept seeing moms with their kids and thinking how cute they were and how 'mom-like' they all seemed...then I looked down at the child in the car seat next to me and realized I'm included in that category. Me. Alisha Ann Meador-I have a son. So weird.

And that's just it - I see other women with kids and have this idea in my head of what being a 'mom' looks like, and I feel like I am so, so very far from that. I really have had a sort of identity crisis over the past couple of months, trying to figure out how I'm still me, but with this whole new little responsibility in the form of a child - our child - living and breathing and taking up the majority of what used to be time that I could use for what I wanted to do. How in the world am I still myself when I can't seem to find time to even take a shower some days, let alone do the things I usually enjoy?!

We tried so long to become pregnant (a year) and thought we were ready. We went through a lot in that year in our marriage, and I now see how God's timing is as perfect as always, because we weren't ready yet for a child. Throughout the pregnancy, I still didn't always feel 'ready' but trusted that we would be, as this time was ordained for us. I thought I knew life would change. I thought I was ready to be a mom, to care for this child's every waking need and put my own aside...but it is hard. Honestly, hard doesn't even begin to describe it for me. Part of it is hormones, I know. The first 2 weeks were a continual state of emotional upheaval...since then it varies by day; some days are great, others I want to run away, or hide under the covers and wake up with no baby that day. Maybe that sounds awful...? But it's reality. When people say you love your child more than you can express, I now understand that-it's indescribable. But when he's having a horrible day and I've had no sleep and feel like a hermit/slob who hasn't seen anyone in 3 days? Yes, those days, I would like to take him back, thank you. Not permanently, but for a while.

I think a big, no - HUGE - part of why I've had so much trouble adjusting is because of comparing myself to others. Up until this point in life, I've been a pretty secure person. I know who I am-what I like, what I don't, what I'm good at...even when I have times of insecurity, I can usually suck it up. People's opinions do affect me-I hate when I feel I've offended someone or they are upset with me, but ultimately, I'm OK with making decisions and doing my own thing-even if it's against the grain. Until now, that is. Now, as a mama, I all of a sudden feel at a loss-that I don't know what I'm doing, how to act, how to look; and I am constantly comparing myself to other mothers. "They were able to travel with their baby a month earlier than me!" or "She looks gorgeous and is carrying a newborn-I have a 6 week old and still feel tired and sloppy" or (this is big because I'm such a social, on-the-go type) "I'll never be able to go out to the grocery store or shopping for more than a short time span because I have to nurse and it's hard to do in public, maybe I should just bottle feed for convenience' sake, or stay home all the time". Super negative, self-defeating thoughts. Combine these with the lack of sleep and a baby who is having some seriously awful reflux issues, and it's a recipe for disaster.

I don't know what it is about motherhood that makes me so insecure all of a sudden. I'm so worried about doing it 'wrong' and messing up my child. What if he doesn't sleep through the night? Oh no...it's been exactly 3 hours and he's not awake...should I wake him up to eat?! (I act like he's not gaining weight-he's huge, literally, like he's gained 4-5 lbs I think) I'm also worried about not staying 'me'. Not getting out, not only wearing sweatpants, not being able to go back to work and get out the door on time, not being able to be 'normal' again.

And this is where that quote comes in, so applicable and perfect in timing: "It's okay to define the kind of mom you are as you go along. And it might look different than everyone else's definition."

It has taken me almost 2 months to realize this. And I'm still realizing it, and will still struggle probably daily with this. But it's true. I'm not any other mom-I'm me; Jim isn't just any husband-he's the man I married; our baby isn't someone else's baby and he's not a statistic either. We'll figure this out together, as a family, relying heavily on God's grace for guidance. And our way of doing things may not meet with someone else's criteria. Maybe they'll think we're doing it wrong; maybe I'll wonder the same thing. Maybe I won't be able to do everything I want to do. But I'm realizing...it's worth it. I don't want to wish away these days (as I've sadly done some days). Yes, G is difficult sometimes-this week especially, it's been rough. Just when I think some sense of a new normal is coming, things change. He has reflux, is stubborn and has had endless streaks of crying. I've been looking at this in a negative light. But this also tells me: he is independent, and strong and one hell of a fighter. And I love him for that-he is precious, a joy and such a gift.

And so...who am I? I'm still figuring it out, but I do know I still am an eco-friendly crunchy girl, I still love reading and politics and law and business and people with special needs and a clean house and being outdoors...and I'm a mama. I'm just adding to the list of things that make me, me. And, ultimately, my identity is not found in any of those, but in Christ. If I can remember that daily, I think we'll be just fine.






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