Ebb and Flow

Well folks, this is it. The last day I'm strictly a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes the time seemed to go so slowly, other times much too quickly. It seems like a lifetime ago that I actually gave birth, and the fact that G is already 3 months old astounds me; now that the time is here though, it seems to have crept up on me rather suddenly-even though I've known it was coming.

I'm nervous. Nervous about getting back into "work" mode, having daily issues and problems to deal with that I would rather not have to worry about, about somehow functioning for an 8 hour work day even if I only have a few hours of precious sleep, about getting out the door on time, about G doing OK at daycare, about having enough milk for him (and about pumping at work-awkward  much?), about him taking a bottle and not wanting to nurse, about having the energy to care for him when I come home, about balancing work and family, about getting too focused on work and not leaving it at the office (as is my tendency)...there are so many, many things.

I'm excited too. Excited about being able to have adult conversations throughout the day, to talk business and policy and be involved with projects and new ideas, to be able to help teach our employees so they can in turn teach others, to see lives changed and get a big smile on my face when I hear of a client's success or a funny story. I am so incredibly blessed to have known what I wanted to do since I was a young child, and to be able to do that now. We have an awesome company and I wholeheartedly believe in what we do (if you don't know, I'm a director at a supported employment agency-we assist individuals with disabilities in work skills, finding a job and on the job training/long term supports). I'm also so very blessed to be able to keep the job I have, yet do it in a little less time...so I'm at home 2 full days/week with no work!

Really, I think I'm getting the best of both worlds-the working mom and the stay-at-home mom all rolled into one. I think it's just finding that right balance. Knowing that when I'm at work, I focus on work and give it my all, and when I'm at home, I don't think about work, and focus on my family and caring for them. It's another transition, but not a bad one, I'm realizing. The past three months have been continual transition, so, really, what's one more? Even while staying at home during this time, I've realized that it's kind of an ebb and flow, the mommy life. Some days we stay home, do house things, wear sweatpants and relax. Other days we're on the go, running errands, visiting friends, going for walks. Some days are a good combination of the two - and some days we're just plain exhausted and waiting for daddy to get home so mommy can take a nap.

At first, I hated the 'inconsistency'. I'm used to knowing how I want my day to go, having a list, getting it done, and being able to plan things and always get there when I need to. Motherhood was a big slap in the face for me and my type-A ways. You have plans at 10? Sure...but the baby just had a blowout diaper, is hungry for the 3rd time, you haven't showered, and it's already 9:30. Good luck with that one. (thankfully, as he gets older and I'm getting more used to his semi-routines, those times are much fewer! aka, mommy learned how to plan better and not try to squeeze in 20 things in a day) I falsely assumed I would be able to do all my normal day to day things and take care of the baby - because he'll be chill and just sit or sleep, right? Right? Oh...

But as time has gone on, with a lot of prayer and some lessons in "Hey you, you're not superwoman. Deal with it" I've learned (most of the time) to enjoy the different days. The great ones are such a joy; the bad ones make me appreciate the great ones all the more. Busy days with friends and errands make the days at home a welcome respite; a time to relax, catch our breath and just be (even if that 'being' involves screaming at times). G's food intolerance issues have been a blessing even, as now that we're getting mostly past those, with a few slip-ups here and there, we appreciate so much the baby we have. He's happy, he's social, he loves his mommy and daddy and even when he's screaming now, in comparison, it is so, SO much better. And he's caused us to slow down-most evenings are spent at home, and that is nice. Family time, just us. Not always running here, going there. There is a time for that, and I would say at least once a week we both get out with friends (usually individually), but having those nights at home together is wonderful.

So, I think work will just add to that ebb and flow, a wonderful mix of busy and slow, work and home, going and staying.  I'm so thankful that my job enables me to expose my son to a beautiful mix of people. I want him to know that everyone has different abilities, and that everyone can work in some capacity, using the abilities God has uniquely gifted them with. And if my work can play a part in teaching him that, then off to work I go!