Who's Teaching Whom?

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I was filled with such a mix of emotions: joy, fear, anxiety, excitement. (or was that the nausea?) I had the sense that something big was happening to me, and not just in the form of my expanding middle.

It was like a knowing, a knowing that motherhood - especially first time motherhood - changes one in ways that aren't even fathomable, until they've happened. You pause, look back, and think "Whoa. When did that happen?"

It's been over a year now, since I started on this mothering journey, and the person I am today is in many ways a very different person than the one who was expecting that little baby. In some ways, I am very much the same, but I think I've grown in those 'same' areas too. I was thinking today about the things I have learned thus far, how I've grown, what I've discovered, and I was amazed and humbled. I wanted to reflect on them, to dissect them, so that's what I'm doing here. I do love a good list!

1. I'm less judgmental. Ironically, before becoming a mother I was one of the least judgmental people I knew, or so I thought. But we all have our ideas of what is best, what is 'good', based on our personal lifestyle choices and preferences, and, I've realized, we all tend to judge people based on how they compare to our 'norm'. This is especially true in relation to mothering and parenting choices. I am a bit of an earthy/crunchy/organic nut, and was 100% on board with the 'Breast is Best!" campaign. Pre-baby (and even right after birth) it was all "no pacis!" and "exclusive breastfeeding!" and then we had a baby with reflux and food intolerances. And a mommy with depression. And I realized, there is so much more involved in 'health and well-being' - it includes mental and emotional health too, because that baby may not get sick as often, but if mommy is emotionally gone, well, that's probably a bit more harmful in the long-run. For the next time around (Lord-willing), I'm all "give that baby a plug!" and "breastfeeding? pumping? formula? Whatever works, works."

2. I'm more emotional - in a good way. I've always been someone who just sucks it up, gets it done, deals with it, and moves on. Not so anymore. I was a basket case for a while, then after some good counseling and hormones leveling out, I am only occasionally a basket case. :) What I am, permanently, is more in touch with not only feelings in general, but the reasons behind them. And ultimately, through God's grace, tracing those feelings, good, bad, ugly or in between, back to the Author of life, and dealing with them appropriately. It's a novel idea for me, not just pushing past things, but actually thinking through them, growing through them, and stopping to acknowledge that life isn't always picture-perfect, that it's actually really messy, but it's OK.

3. Possibly in relation to number 2, but I have turned into much more of an introvert. This will come as a shock, mostly to my parents. :) I was the girl in high school and college who was never home. I loved home, I loved my family, but hey, there were things to do, places to go, and people to see! And that part of me is still there, but I think it's taking a back seat for now. I'm strangely alright with that. I still love to travel, and have a running list (shocking - a list) of places I want to go in the near future (NYC again SOON please), and some long-term goals (Ireland: 10th anniversary??). There are days, days where I want to just run free and go explore. But right now, I'm pretty content most days with our small-ish life. I'm realizing that God can use a 'small' season of life to have big impact and invest more in specific people. 

4. My style. I was one that has always gravitated toward more classic things, but would try out the latest trends now and then. My closet was pretty full of random stuff, some that fit together, some that didn't. Lots of work wear. When I have precious little minutes to ready myself for the day, I want those minutes to be productive and end in a good result (read: comfortable, yet cute outfit), and not staring at my closet for those minutes then realizing, crap. It's ___time, so forget looking presentable today. I do enjoy getting dressed up, but I've realized that I no longer long to be 'dressed up' everyday. Spit up and poop will do that to you. It forces you to really analyze everything in your closet, and how it fits into your life, and kind of forces a style on you. I haven't totally figured out 'my style' but it's getting there (hair, you are another story...you will forever be my daily struggle of "What the hell is happening with this?!")

5. Career isn't everything. I think that's how we as a society tend to define ourselves: by what we do. We had a training at work yesterday, for assistive technology in the workplace, and the trainer was discussing this very thing. Usually, when you meet someone it's: Hi! Introduce yourself, then the question "And what do you do?"

For me personally, I love my career field, and was pretty excited about future endeavors. I get a little high from corporate meetings or serving on state budget subcommittees. I've been blessed to know a lot of great people working in this field, many of which are in higher-level positions. I was in the midst of getting my Master's (which I want to finish) and developing a pilot study for a state department, serving on a state committee, networking all the time...then I had a baby. And my priorities, my views, my world - they changed. Do I still enjoy those things? Yes. Do I still hope to be more involved, especially in the political world of disability rights and such? Yes. But not right now. Right now I want to focus on my family, doing my daily, regular job duties well, and if I miss a big meeting because I have a sick baby, well, good. Because corporate ladders and politics and whatnot can wait. And they may wait forever. My baby won't.

6. I'm learning (and this is a big L learning) how to truly find joy and thankfulness for even the most mundane things. Before having a baby, if I had a day off I would do things like deep-clean my house and turn on Pride and Prejudice, maybe go grab a coffee and then do some gardening. But that was also when I could go out whenever I wanted, hang out with friends, go see a movie any night of the week...so those home-y things were still a little like playing house.

Now, when most of my days are either spent working or taking care of a toddler, and my home life seems to revolve around things like cleaning, and laundry, and meals, all of a sudden those things weren't as 'fun' anymore, or as relaxing as they used to be. Now I struggle with contentment in those things, in remembering that they are indeed privileges. Those are things little 5-year-old me dreamed of when I would play house, take care of my dolls and say "I want to be a mommy when I grow up!" I think little 5 year old me had a better handle on what 'meaningful' really is than 27 year old me does some days. :)

7. Who AM I? One goes through stages in life: middle/high school awkward years of figuring yourself out (ish); college pressure of "which direction will you go?!", marriage and learning to live with and do life with another person. But then baby. Oh, baby. How you have forced me to take everything I've thought, everything I've known, and flip it around and upside down and inside out. I've realized how much of my identity has relied in others' opinions, in career, in 'natural' living, etc.

And even now, how much of it can get tied up in 'mommyhood': being a 'good' mom, playing with my child enough, or being friends with the 'cool' moms (they're there, you know they are - I always feel like the awkward kid with braces: Hey guysth! (with a lisp) Can I play with you too?). All of these contribute to who I am, sure, but all of these things, including Graham, could be stripped away from me. And if that were to happen, and those were all taken away, who would I be? Because that's really me. That's been a hard, scary thing to sort through, and I'm not even close to being there. But one thing I do know, is that unless I rest secure in Christ - that He has called me, He has given me grace undeserved and I am a great sinner undeserving of any of these good gifts - until I rest in daily gratefulness and joy in those good gifts - I'll never know the real me.

And I think I'll end there, because that's where I am right now, still figuring out 'me'. Goodness little one, you've barely been here a year and have already taught me so much! I can only imagine the growing yet to come.