Last year, today was one day past my due date and I was anxiously awaiting to have a baby at any point in time. This year, said baby is fast asleep in his room and has just started taking his first steps. It's hard to fathom. The past year has been one of growth, of joy, of trials, of pain, of laughter, of tears, of more love than I have ever known and learning more about myself than I thought was humanly possible. I've posted periodically throughout the year, but have never really put down everything I've wanted to say, all that I wanted to document, all I wanted to remember. Because of that, I've decided to post every night through Graham's birthday next week. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to post each night, but I have some ideas. I have been meaning to post all night tonight to get started, but just couldn't get going, and now it's 10:30. Honestly, I think it's because I know if I do, it means that Graham is actually turning 1, and that he is no longer really a 'baby' baby, and now I'm going to cry, excuse me...
OK. Pulling it together. I have a feeling some of this will be some seriously deep stuff, but tonight, because it's late and because my husband is camping and I don't have someone to cry to if I wanted, we're going to keep it a bit lighter, thus my 'First Year Top 10: Myth or Fact'. I should probably make this into a TV game show. To play, I'm going to write down something I was told about the first year of parenthood. Then, I'm going to say if it was a myth or a fact. Mind blowing, I know. Note: this is in our case...I'm sure it can vary greatly for everyone. Nevertheless, let's get started shall we?
1. "You'll forget the pain of childbirth." Myth. Did I forget that? NO. Do I ever think I'll forget it? Nope. In fact, if I think about it too much, I get a little freaked out about giving birth again someday. I had a relatively quick labor, but very "intense" (nice word for: hurt.like.a.mother. No pun intended), so to think I'll forget that pain isn't really reasonable. I am able to distance myself from it, and also know now that when it was done, it was really done, and that I can do it. I think that may be what people mean by 'forget the pain'. Or if they really do forget the pain, well, I'm jealous.
2. "Just enjoy every moment. They go by so quickly and you'll miss them." Fact-mostly. I almost can't believe I'm saying that, because for a long time, I did not think that. When you have a baby screaming in pain for 4 hours straight every night for 2 months, your first thought is not "I'm going to miss this". Your first thought is "I miss my old life." And even now, I don't miss the screaming, for obvious reasons. But what I do miss is how little he was, and how even when he was screaming, he could fall asleep in my arms, or how he would just lay there and look at me. Because now, he's a 24 lb. squirming almost-toddler, and he's so much fun, but cuddle times are hard to come by some days. So I get it now. With experience comes wisdom, isn't that how the saying goes?
3. "You're in survival mode for the first few months, and you'll get through." Big.fat.fact. You do not feel like you'll get through some days. The alarm on my phone that woke me up every two hours to feed him? I hate that thing. Correction: I despise it. I heard someone's phone with that music as their ringer the other day and it was like instant anxiety/panic/dread. But we got through, and even looking on those days I can fondly remember (most) of them. I laughed the other morning because I complain sometimes when he's up at 6 am after sleeping all night...how in the world did I get through months of waking up every few hours, and staying up for an hour to feed/change/burp/repeat? Lots of episodes of Law and Order, reruns of America's Next Top Model and the grace of God. That's how.
4. "Breast is best - it will be hard, but do what you have to do to make it work." Myth-for us. Breastfeeding was sweet at times, and I'm glad we did it for a while, and want to try again with any future children. But, as I realized through a lot of pain and tears, it just wasn't to be. I think God used that to really show me how much I'm not in control. Between reflux, protein allergies, post-partum and lots of other things, I'm surprised we made it as long as we did (almost 5 months). I remember the first time we took Graham to the chiropractor after switching him to his lovely, God-sent but incredibly overpriced formula, our chiropractor couldn't believe he was the same baby! He kept going on and on about it, because it was the first time in 4 months he'd seen him smiling and not screaming...that's when I knew we were on to something.
5. "The hardest thing is just getting out the door." FACT. Graham is almost one, and still, every day I have to plan in my head how we're going to arrange everything and everyone to get out the door on time; it doesn't matter if 'on time' means 8 am or 4 pm...it's an art form. Even on the days when everything is perfectly in order - things for the sitter, clothes picked out for all of us, showered the night before...inevitably, 99.9% of the time we're still rushing at the end. Some days, it's because there has been a random blessing from heaven and Graham slept in, so we decide 'Eh. Who needs to get up yet?' But usually, it's more like Graham was up 3 times, or woke up with reflux or teething and literally is pulling my pajama pants to my ankles (well good morning neighbors! This is why our blinds stay closed in the morning) trying to climb on me to be held...whatever it is, while I am cherishing these times (see #2), I do greatly look forward to the day when that part of life will be a little more smooth.
I just edited the title of this to say 'Part 1'. A) because I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush and B) because this gives me something to write about tomorrow in case I'm not in my 'let's talk seriously deep life-altering things' mode yet. More to come...
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